Thursday, November 18, 2004
Leno
As I’m sure you know, Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he will stay on to help with the transition. So basically, he’s now just a semi-Colin.
Here’s the latest update on the Palestinian Authority – no one seems to know who’s really in charge, they can’t decide on a strategy, half the factions want to move to the center, the other half want to stay as extremists ... I’m sorry, that’s the Democratic Party. I’m sorry. I’m all confused.
I guess you all heard about this. The Secret Service has doubled guards around the White House. Not to keep people out – to keep any more of Bush’s Cabinet members from escaping.
Do you believe this? I haven't seen this many secretaries fleeing the Oval Office since Clinton was in there.
Contradicting earlier reports, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said reports that he’s stepping down are "news to him." News to him? Why are Homeland Security guys always the last to know?
Kind of ironic ... the only Cabinet member whose heart is still in it: Dick Cheney.
I guess you heard, today President Bush played the "Rice" card.
Today President Bush chose Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state. I think President Bush is a little confused. He said he's looking forward to seeing a lot more of her and Stedman.
Scott Peterson and his lawyer, Mark Geragos, are now preparing for his sentencing hearing. This will be followed by the most uncomfortable part of this trial – the moment when Geragos hands Scott the bill.
What’s the incentive for Scott to pay? They got him on first degree murder! Do you think Geragos gives discounts when their client is found guilty? "Tell you what, I’ll knock off 10 percent. If you get the electric chair, make it 15 ..."
I don’t know how the law works here in California. It’s very strange. Like today Scott Peterson’s boat went to Fred Goldman. The law is very different here.
Only in America - Hardee’s is now introducing their new Monster Thickburger, which is two third-of-a-pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. It has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat. It actually comes in a little cardboard box shaped like a coffin.
The latest thing in the fashion industry is "big-butt mannequins." Have you seen these? Department stores in New York have mannequins with extra-large rear ends. That’s embarrassing, isn’t it? When even the mannequins at Macy’s have to shop at Lane Bryant.
I woke up this morning and I had this stabbing pain in my back. That’s the last time I go to the Vibe Awards.
Letterman
Last night we had an audience that blows! It was an ugly, tough crowd. About 10 minutes into the show they handed in their resignations.
Down in Washington, D.C., today a man tried to climb the fence to the White House. Luckily, the man was knocked over by fleeing Bush Cabinet members.
A lot of people leaving the Bush administration. Are you like me? It’s hard to picture the Bush Cabinet without Spencer Abraham.
Colin Powell resigned. His replacement is Condoleezza Rice. It’s her job to continue to make sure the world hates us.
President Bush gave high praise to Condoleezza. He said she’s one of our greatest Condoleezzas!
Did you see the Vibe Awards last night? There was fighting, chair throwing, and stabbings. It was like Arafat’s funeral.
On Thursday down in Arkansas the Clinton Presidential Library opens. The library will have tours. There’s a replica of the Oval Office to tour, and then you can visit the Hall of Alibis.
The Clinton Library is state of the art. They have a nice gift shop. You can buy a tT-shirt. You can buy a coffee mug. You can also buy condoms with the presidential seal on them.
As I’m sure you know, Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he will stay on to help with the transition. So basically, he’s now just a semi-Colin.
Here’s the latest update on the Palestinian Authority – no one seems to know who’s really in charge, they can’t decide on a strategy, half the factions want to move to the center, the other half want to stay as extremists ... I’m sorry, that’s the Democratic Party. I’m sorry. I’m all confused.
I guess you all heard about this. The Secret Service has doubled guards around the White House. Not to keep people out – to keep any more of Bush’s Cabinet members from escaping.
Do you believe this? I haven't seen this many secretaries fleeing the Oval Office since Clinton was in there.
Contradicting earlier reports, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said reports that he’s stepping down are "news to him." News to him? Why are Homeland Security guys always the last to know?
Kind of ironic ... the only Cabinet member whose heart is still in it: Dick Cheney.
I guess you heard, today President Bush played the "Rice" card.
Today President Bush chose Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state. I think President Bush is a little confused. He said he's looking forward to seeing a lot more of her and Stedman.
Scott Peterson and his lawyer, Mark Geragos, are now preparing for his sentencing hearing. This will be followed by the most uncomfortable part of this trial – the moment when Geragos hands Scott the bill.
What’s the incentive for Scott to pay? They got him on first degree murder! Do you think Geragos gives discounts when their client is found guilty? "Tell you what, I’ll knock off 10 percent. If you get the electric chair, make it 15 ..."
I don’t know how the law works here in California. It’s very strange. Like today Scott Peterson’s boat went to Fred Goldman. The law is very different here.
Only in America - Hardee’s is now introducing their new Monster Thickburger, which is two third-of-a-pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. It has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat. It actually comes in a little cardboard box shaped like a coffin.
The latest thing in the fashion industry is "big-butt mannequins." Have you seen these? Department stores in New York have mannequins with extra-large rear ends. That’s embarrassing, isn’t it? When even the mannequins at Macy’s have to shop at Lane Bryant.
I woke up this morning and I had this stabbing pain in my back. That’s the last time I go to the Vibe Awards.
Letterman
Last night we had an audience that blows! It was an ugly, tough crowd. About 10 minutes into the show they handed in their resignations.
Down in Washington, D.C., today a man tried to climb the fence to the White House. Luckily, the man was knocked over by fleeing Bush Cabinet members.
A lot of people leaving the Bush administration. Are you like me? It’s hard to picture the Bush Cabinet without Spencer Abraham.
Colin Powell resigned. His replacement is Condoleezza Rice. It’s her job to continue to make sure the world hates us.
President Bush gave high praise to Condoleezza. He said she’s one of our greatest Condoleezzas!
Did you see the Vibe Awards last night? There was fighting, chair throwing, and stabbings. It was like Arafat’s funeral.
On Thursday down in Arkansas the Clinton Presidential Library opens. The library will have tours. There’s a replica of the Oval Office to tour, and then you can visit the Hall of Alibis.
The Clinton Library is state of the art. They have a nice gift shop. You can buy a tT-shirt. You can buy a coffee mug. You can also buy condoms with the presidential seal on them.
