Saturday, October 23, 2004
Leno
John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.
It’s getting ugly and uglier out there - Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn’t know if Laura Bush has ever held a real job. Laura Bush fired back - she said she was busy raising three kids - Barbara, Jenna, and George W. that is a full time job.
Both candidates are trying to scare voters for votes in the last weeks of the campaign. And they’re doing a pretty good job. Voters are petrified that on November 2nd they’re actually going to have to pick one of these guys. What’s scarier than that?
The Kerry campaign announced today they will have "10,000 lawyers at the polls in battle ground states.” 10,000 lawyers. Well, let’s hope you don’t slip and fall on the sidewalk outside a polling place. You could be buried alive in business cards.
Neither Bush or Kerry have gotten a flu shot and both said today they won’t get one. Ralph Nader also said he wasn’t getting a flu shot. Though in his case he doesn’t need one, because he doesn’t come in contact with any large crowds.
Ralph Nader latest complaint, he says he's being held back by special interest groups working against him. I think they’re called the American people.
Did you watch "Lost” last night? But enough about the Yankees.
Congratulations to Boston Red Sox! The Red Sox murdered the Yankees. 10 to 3. It was so bad, I couldn’t tell when the game ended and "CSI: New York” began.
This is the most embarrassing thing this to happen in New York since the Mets!
Even Hillary said, "Does this mean I no longer have to pretend to be a Yankees fan?"
The Yankees looked stunned, didn’t they? Usually you only see this many depressed Dominicans after their raft springs a leak.
Steinbrenner is not taking this lying down. Today he signed the entire Red Sox team. They’re Yankees now.
Did you see the Red Sox partying in the locker room? All that champagne. Finally, the Red Sox had something on ice besides Ted Williams.
Health experts have 3 tips to avoid getting the flu; one, wash your hands often, avoid crowds, get elected to congress, and you’ll be guaranteed a flu shot. See, they get all the flu shots they want.
Well, congress also says seniors will get a social security increase in January. Assuming the flu doesn’t kill them first.
According to a poll by ABC’s "Primetime Live”, Republicans have wilder sex lives than Democrats. Apparently this survey was taken while Bill Clinton was still in the hospital. His absence drags the entire average down for Democrats.
Bill Clinton is scheduled to campaign for John Kerry next week. He’s still under doctors orders to take it easy, though - no girlfriends over 180 pounds.
Yesterday was one of the biggest events in world history. The fall of Castro. Take a look (drop-in video clip: Castro slips and falls.) The bad news, he got back up.
Castro said he’s okay, because he’s got the best healthcare in the world right there in Cuba. In fact, he was rushed to the hospital on their fastest donkey.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed a ballot measure that would spend up to $6 billion in state money on stem cell research. That shows you how clever Arnold is. He’s hoping by the next election, he’ll be able to clone more Republican voters.
And Turner Broadcasting is now casting for a new reality show called "The Real Giligan’s Island” where they’re looking for a real life Mr. and Mrs. Howell, Skipper, and Giligan. You know, don’t we have that on TV already. John and Teresa Kerry are perfect for Mr. and Mrs. Howell. Dick Cheney is the Skipper and Bush can be Giligan! What’s better than that?
Here’s something interesting. According to a new medical study, one out of every hundred people have had a near death experience. Do you know what you call those people? New York Yankees fans!
The ratings for Bill O’Reilly’s show have risen 34% since he was accused of sexually harassing a female producer...34%! This is the best news for Bill O’Reilly since the hands-free telephone. This is unbelievable.
And today, Chris Matthews asked a female executive on his show if she wanted to see his hard ball.
Letterman
In Ohio today John Kerry was duck hunting. This was all part of his pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them.
He came back with two ducks and four purple hearts.
This is all part of John Kerry’s plan to appeal to hunters. So what he did was got drunk and shot his buddy in the ass.
This just in – George Steinbrenner has just fired Babe Ruth!
It’s getting bad for the Yankees. No team has ever come from behind after four straight loses!
I think the Yankees are in denial. Like today they announced their starter for game eight.
After the Red Sox won the game last night the Red Sox fans were stunned and dazed. They had to get on the Internet to find out how to celebrate.
Things got crazy and insane down in Boston. A group of rowdy fans actually tipped over Ted Kennedy.
Conan
In Ohio today John Kerry went duck hunting. President Bush quickly said it was just a photo opt. The strange thing was that Bush said this while in a flight suit on an aircraft carrier.
In Florida there are already voting problems. The started early voting there. Many senior citizens are complaining about problems at the polls. Apparently they are pulling the lever and no quarters are coming out.
The big Yankees-Red Sox game was last night. The Red Sox won the American League Pennant over the Yankees after trailing in a three games to none deficit. In a related story George Steinbrenner is being treated for rabies.
Election Day is almost here. Yesterday Bill Clinton sent out an email to Democrats about how to handle the last days of the election. The bad thing was that he sent the message with his private email "studcraker89”.
John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.
It’s getting ugly and uglier out there - Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn’t know if Laura Bush has ever held a real job. Laura Bush fired back - she said she was busy raising three kids - Barbara, Jenna, and George W. that is a full time job.
Both candidates are trying to scare voters for votes in the last weeks of the campaign. And they’re doing a pretty good job. Voters are petrified that on November 2nd they’re actually going to have to pick one of these guys. What’s scarier than that?
The Kerry campaign announced today they will have "10,000 lawyers at the polls in battle ground states.” 10,000 lawyers. Well, let’s hope you don’t slip and fall on the sidewalk outside a polling place. You could be buried alive in business cards.
Neither Bush or Kerry have gotten a flu shot and both said today they won’t get one. Ralph Nader also said he wasn’t getting a flu shot. Though in his case he doesn’t need one, because he doesn’t come in contact with any large crowds.
Ralph Nader latest complaint, he says he's being held back by special interest groups working against him. I think they’re called the American people.
Did you watch "Lost” last night? But enough about the Yankees.
Congratulations to Boston Red Sox! The Red Sox murdered the Yankees. 10 to 3. It was so bad, I couldn’t tell when the game ended and "CSI: New York” began.
This is the most embarrassing thing this to happen in New York since the Mets!
Even Hillary said, "Does this mean I no longer have to pretend to be a Yankees fan?"
The Yankees looked stunned, didn’t they? Usually you only see this many depressed Dominicans after their raft springs a leak.
Steinbrenner is not taking this lying down. Today he signed the entire Red Sox team. They’re Yankees now.
Did you see the Red Sox partying in the locker room? All that champagne. Finally, the Red Sox had something on ice besides Ted Williams.
Health experts have 3 tips to avoid getting the flu; one, wash your hands often, avoid crowds, get elected to congress, and you’ll be guaranteed a flu shot. See, they get all the flu shots they want.
Well, congress also says seniors will get a social security increase in January. Assuming the flu doesn’t kill them first.
According to a poll by ABC’s "Primetime Live”, Republicans have wilder sex lives than Democrats. Apparently this survey was taken while Bill Clinton was still in the hospital. His absence drags the entire average down for Democrats.
Bill Clinton is scheduled to campaign for John Kerry next week. He’s still under doctors orders to take it easy, though - no girlfriends over 180 pounds.
Yesterday was one of the biggest events in world history. The fall of Castro. Take a look (drop-in video clip: Castro slips and falls.) The bad news, he got back up.
Castro said he’s okay, because he’s got the best healthcare in the world right there in Cuba. In fact, he was rushed to the hospital on their fastest donkey.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed a ballot measure that would spend up to $6 billion in state money on stem cell research. That shows you how clever Arnold is. He’s hoping by the next election, he’ll be able to clone more Republican voters.
And Turner Broadcasting is now casting for a new reality show called "The Real Giligan’s Island” where they’re looking for a real life Mr. and Mrs. Howell, Skipper, and Giligan. You know, don’t we have that on TV already. John and Teresa Kerry are perfect for Mr. and Mrs. Howell. Dick Cheney is the Skipper and Bush can be Giligan! What’s better than that?
Here’s something interesting. According to a new medical study, one out of every hundred people have had a near death experience. Do you know what you call those people? New York Yankees fans!
The ratings for Bill O’Reilly’s show have risen 34% since he was accused of sexually harassing a female producer...34%! This is the best news for Bill O’Reilly since the hands-free telephone. This is unbelievable.
And today, Chris Matthews asked a female executive on his show if she wanted to see his hard ball.
Letterman
In Ohio today John Kerry was duck hunting. This was all part of his pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them.
He came back with two ducks and four purple hearts.
This is all part of John Kerry’s plan to appeal to hunters. So what he did was got drunk and shot his buddy in the ass.
This just in – George Steinbrenner has just fired Babe Ruth!
It’s getting bad for the Yankees. No team has ever come from behind after four straight loses!
I think the Yankees are in denial. Like today they announced their starter for game eight.
After the Red Sox won the game last night the Red Sox fans were stunned and dazed. They had to get on the Internet to find out how to celebrate.
Things got crazy and insane down in Boston. A group of rowdy fans actually tipped over Ted Kennedy.
Conan
In Ohio today John Kerry went duck hunting. President Bush quickly said it was just a photo opt. The strange thing was that Bush said this while in a flight suit on an aircraft carrier.
In Florida there are already voting problems. The started early voting there. Many senior citizens are complaining about problems at the polls. Apparently they are pulling the lever and no quarters are coming out.
The big Yankees-Red Sox game was last night. The Red Sox won the American League Pennant over the Yankees after trailing in a three games to none deficit. In a related story George Steinbrenner is being treated for rabies.
Election Day is almost here. Yesterday Bill Clinton sent out an email to Democrats about how to handle the last days of the election. The bad thing was that he sent the message with his private email "studcraker89”.
