Thursday, October 21, 2004
Leno
John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a "January surprise” if he’s reelected. Hey if we know who’s going to be president by January that will be a surprise, don’t you think?
A man was arrested in Ohio after being paid in crack to register voters. They were paying people in crack to register voters. You know it’s scary enough that the election is going to be decided by the undecided…but to be decided by undecided crack heads. That’s really bad.
You sound like Bill O’Reilly with a free calling card.
Have you heard Florida’s new slogan? "Hey, let’s screw this one up early.”
Over the weekend, thousands in Florida suddenly felt sick to their stomach. Nothing to do with the flu. I guess they were just Miami Dolphins fans.
The Miami Dolphins lost again on Sunday. They’re 0 and 6. Even Ralph Nader is telling the Dolphins, "Give it up, why are you staying in this thing?”
Ralph Nader said he has no intention of leaving the presidential race. It’s not so much he wants to stay in the race it’s just that he has no where else to go.
Well it’s nice to see Marion Berry working again.
His slogan, "no vial left behind”.
Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That’s not true. Bush’s dad was the protection from the draft.
Former CIA Director George Tenet has now become a professor at Georgetown University. The good news, if you’re a student and you cut Tenet’s class, he won’t find out about it till after you graduate!
How many watched the Yankees-Red Sox game last night? Pretty amazing. The game lasted 5 hours and 48 minutes. The game lasted so long half the Yankees had their visas expired. They had to go back to the Dominican Republic before the game was even over.
We have an interesting guy on the show tonight. Tim Frisby – he’s a 39 year old guy playing college football. He’s the only college player in the country that when the team flies to road games he’s eligible for "pre-boarding.”
According to the "New Scientist” magazine, 1% of the population is asexual. They’ve never had any interest in sex. You know who they are? The one’s who read "new scientist magazine”.
TV news - you know the show "LA-X”? NBC is moving the show "LA-X” from Monday to Wednesday night. The show isn’t doing too well. In fact, to give you an idea how badly it’s doing, I heard the real airport is thinking of changing its name.
You can tell they’re getting desperate. Next week’s episode, the entire hour is female strip searches!
NBC said that, despite the ratings loss, they are still behind the show 100 %. (coughing) Last comic standing!!!
Letterman
Bill Clinton is recovering from his quadruple bypass surgery. He’s on a workout plan. He spends 10 minutes each day having sex at his desk.
Early voting has started down in Florida. So far there have been computer glitches, long lines and chaos. Today President Bush said, "Mission accomplished!”
John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a "January surprise” if he’s reelected. Hey if we know who’s going to be president by January that will be a surprise, don’t you think?
A man was arrested in Ohio after being paid in crack to register voters. They were paying people in crack to register voters. You know it’s scary enough that the election is going to be decided by the undecided…but to be decided by undecided crack heads. That’s really bad.
You sound like Bill O’Reilly with a free calling card.
Have you heard Florida’s new slogan? "Hey, let’s screw this one up early.”
Over the weekend, thousands in Florida suddenly felt sick to their stomach. Nothing to do with the flu. I guess they were just Miami Dolphins fans.
The Miami Dolphins lost again on Sunday. They’re 0 and 6. Even Ralph Nader is telling the Dolphins, "Give it up, why are you staying in this thing?”
Ralph Nader said he has no intention of leaving the presidential race. It’s not so much he wants to stay in the race it’s just that he has no where else to go.
Well it’s nice to see Marion Berry working again.
His slogan, "no vial left behind”.
Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That’s not true. Bush’s dad was the protection from the draft.
Former CIA Director George Tenet has now become a professor at Georgetown University. The good news, if you’re a student and you cut Tenet’s class, he won’t find out about it till after you graduate!
How many watched the Yankees-Red Sox game last night? Pretty amazing. The game lasted 5 hours and 48 minutes. The game lasted so long half the Yankees had their visas expired. They had to go back to the Dominican Republic before the game was even over.
We have an interesting guy on the show tonight. Tim Frisby – he’s a 39 year old guy playing college football. He’s the only college player in the country that when the team flies to road games he’s eligible for "pre-boarding.”
According to the "New Scientist” magazine, 1% of the population is asexual. They’ve never had any interest in sex. You know who they are? The one’s who read "new scientist magazine”.
TV news - you know the show "LA-X”? NBC is moving the show "LA-X” from Monday to Wednesday night. The show isn’t doing too well. In fact, to give you an idea how badly it’s doing, I heard the real airport is thinking of changing its name.
You can tell they’re getting desperate. Next week’s episode, the entire hour is female strip searches!
NBC said that, despite the ratings loss, they are still behind the show 100 %. (coughing) Last comic standing!!!
Letterman
Bill Clinton is recovering from his quadruple bypass surgery. He’s on a workout plan. He spends 10 minutes each day having sex at his desk.
Early voting has started down in Florida. So far there have been computer glitches, long lines and chaos. Today President Bush said, "Mission accomplished!”
