Friday, October 22, 2004
Leno
In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn’t think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a "real job." Let me tell you something. If you’re a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on Earth.
Teresa Heinz Kerry’s defenders said, oh, she just says those things once in a while because she’s "eccentric." You know what eccentric means? It’s when someone is crazy but they're rich. Like you never see an eccentric homeless guy. The old guy urinating in the street? "Oh, he’s just eccentric." Just a funny, wacky guy.
Sparks were flying again today. Al Gore accused President Bush of using religion to support his presidency. And George Bush fired back that Al Gore’s just mad because "God made me president."
Al Gore also said in a speech yesterday that "President Bush governs from a love of power." You know, as opposed to Gore’s old boss, who governed from the "power of love."
Early voting began in Florida this week and guess what? There are already problems! After waiting two to three hours many Florida voters are shocked to get to the front of the line and find out - "What? No flu shot?"
You know why Florida has started voting this week? ,primitive places like Florida and Afghanistan need longer to count the votes. These primitive cultures ...
This election the candidates are using those recorded phone messages. Anybody gotten one? Last night I got a call from Ralph Nader. It was collect.
Here’s some good news. Federal officials say they found another 2.6 million doses of flu vaccine, which they will be able to distribute in January. That is, if Bush wins. If he doesn’t, they might accidentally "lose it."
That’s good news, huh? We’ll have more vaccine in January. So that means your grandmother will only have to be in line for another two months.
Did you hear about this? The town of Bloomfield, New Jersey, was holding a lottery to determine who would get a flu shot. It’s terrible. And the winner doesn’t even get the flu shot all at once. It’s injected very slowly, once a year for 25 years.
Well, game six was unbelievable. After umpires reversed two calls, riot police were called onto the field at Yankee Stadium after fans began throwing food. Let me tell you how angry they were - any time you get fat-ass Americans willing to part with their hot dogs, snow cones and popcorn, when an American takes something out of his mouth, he is mad!
Mary Kay Letourneau has announced she is engaged to her former sixth-grade student. They plan to get married in a castle. It’s not a real castle, you know, it’s one of those castles full of air you bounce around in.
This just in. ABC has dropped the Miss America Pageant; it will no longer be on TV. Now who’s going to solve world peace?
Now thousands of young women are just going to be wandering the streets waving and clog dancing! I always like "Well, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world ... and get my own apartment."
Did you see that show "The Biggest Loser"? It’s a new reality show where a group of fat people try to lose weight. Did we have that show already? Wasn’t it called "The Facts of Life"? I almost regret buying that big-screen TV now.
NBC is moving the show "LAX" from Monday to Wednesday night. It’s not doing too well. I don’t wanna say they’re panicking, but half of the cast already has applications in for jobs at the real airport!
Letterman
The campaign trail is getting rough. Just today John Kerry really shook things up by introducing his own lesbian daughter to the country.
There’s some good news for you folks visiting New York City. Some of the clubs and restaurants now have "no cell phones allowed" areas. Which is good. I always shut mine off. There’s nothing more I hate than when it starts to ring in the middle of a lap dance.
Election Day is right around the corner. I have some advice for my mom. All she needs to remember when she goes into the voting booth is "Yes on Indian casinos."
In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn’t think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a "real job." Let me tell you something. If you’re a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on Earth.
Teresa Heinz Kerry’s defenders said, oh, she just says those things once in a while because she’s "eccentric." You know what eccentric means? It’s when someone is crazy but they're rich. Like you never see an eccentric homeless guy. The old guy urinating in the street? "Oh, he’s just eccentric." Just a funny, wacky guy.
Sparks were flying again today. Al Gore accused President Bush of using religion to support his presidency. And George Bush fired back that Al Gore’s just mad because "God made me president."
Al Gore also said in a speech yesterday that "President Bush governs from a love of power." You know, as opposed to Gore’s old boss, who governed from the "power of love."
Early voting began in Florida this week and guess what? There are already problems! After waiting two to three hours many Florida voters are shocked to get to the front of the line and find out - "What? No flu shot?"
You know why Florida has started voting this week? ,primitive places like Florida and Afghanistan need longer to count the votes. These primitive cultures ...
This election the candidates are using those recorded phone messages. Anybody gotten one? Last night I got a call from Ralph Nader. It was collect.
Here’s some good news. Federal officials say they found another 2.6 million doses of flu vaccine, which they will be able to distribute in January. That is, if Bush wins. If he doesn’t, they might accidentally "lose it."
That’s good news, huh? We’ll have more vaccine in January. So that means your grandmother will only have to be in line for another two months.
Did you hear about this? The town of Bloomfield, New Jersey, was holding a lottery to determine who would get a flu shot. It’s terrible. And the winner doesn’t even get the flu shot all at once. It’s injected very slowly, once a year for 25 years.
Well, game six was unbelievable. After umpires reversed two calls, riot police were called onto the field at Yankee Stadium after fans began throwing food. Let me tell you how angry they were - any time you get fat-ass Americans willing to part with their hot dogs, snow cones and popcorn, when an American takes something out of his mouth, he is mad!
Mary Kay Letourneau has announced she is engaged to her former sixth-grade student. They plan to get married in a castle. It’s not a real castle, you know, it’s one of those castles full of air you bounce around in.
This just in. ABC has dropped the Miss America Pageant; it will no longer be on TV. Now who’s going to solve world peace?
Now thousands of young women are just going to be wandering the streets waving and clog dancing! I always like "Well, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world ... and get my own apartment."
Did you see that show "The Biggest Loser"? It’s a new reality show where a group of fat people try to lose weight. Did we have that show already? Wasn’t it called "The Facts of Life"? I almost regret buying that big-screen TV now.
NBC is moving the show "LAX" from Monday to Wednesday night. It’s not doing too well. I don’t wanna say they’re panicking, but half of the cast already has applications in for jobs at the real airport!
Letterman
The campaign trail is getting rough. Just today John Kerry really shook things up by introducing his own lesbian daughter to the country.
There’s some good news for you folks visiting New York City. Some of the clubs and restaurants now have "no cell phones allowed" areas. Which is good. I always shut mine off. There’s nothing more I hate than when it starts to ring in the middle of a lap dance.
Election Day is right around the corner. I have some advice for my mom. All she needs to remember when she goes into the voting booth is "Yes on Indian casinos."
