Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Leno
And the rumor is that it’ll be like the last time. Kerry will win the popular vote and Bush will win the electoral votes. And they say Americans could spend weeks not knowing who’s really president, Bush or Kerry. Hey, is that so bad? We spent the last 4 years not really knowing who is president, Bush or Cheney.
Candidates are using a lot of boxing metaphors. President Bush kept quoting boxer Joe Louis "You can run but you can’t hide”. John Kerry quoted Mohammed Ali "Is that all you got?” And today Ralph Nader quoted Mike Tyson "I’m broke.”
Well I saw something really sad today coming to work - on Hollywood Boulevard. Two guys sharing a flu shot needle.
Did you all get your flu shots today? Oh — that’s right — you’re not celebrities. I got four today. Paris Hilton’s dog got one today. Have you gotten one Kev? I haven’t either. They use one needle for all of NBC.
Now they say the campaigns are gonna get even more negative. Is that possible? One side is calling the president "a complete idiot.” The other side is calling a war hero with a chest full of medals from Vietnam a "coward.” How do you get more negative than that?
Scare in Cleveland. John Edward’s plane takeoff was aborted because of an indicator light. Apparently there just wasn’t enough electricity for both the indicator light and John Edwards’ hair blower. So one of them had to go.
Here’s an embarrassing incident - on two Bush/Cheney billboards in New Jersey Dick Cheney’s’ last name is spelled with an "a” instead of an "e.” So apparently Bush really is in charge of his own campaign!
Today they began "early voting" in Florida. And once again, Al Gore lost.
The "early voting" was followed by "early screw-ups", "early intimidation" and "early lost ballots"
Halloween is around the corner and I saw my first guy in a John Kerry mask. Then I realized it was John Kerry. His face never moves. How can you tell?
Today Martha Stewart got her first phone call, the bad news, it was from Bill O’Reilly.
Bill O’Reilly accused of sexual harassment from a producer from his show. She claims he had phone sex with her. He says he’s a victim of a "vast right hand conspiracy.”
You know what’s fascinating about this, you’ve got Bill Bennett gambling, Rush Limbaugh on drugs, and Bill O’Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Apparently being conservative is a lot more fun than it used to be.
It’s now week 6 of the NFL season and there’s still no professional football in L.A. God, it’s like we’re in Miami, what happened?
The Miami Dolphins are now 0 and 6. It’s so bad now Flipper the mascot now wants to be called a porpoise.
Here’s a strange story. According to a court judge in Italy, having sex in a bar bathroom does not breech public decency laws as long as the door to the stall is shut. Forget the legal thing. What kind of sleezball takes a woman into the men’s bathroom to have sex? Yeah, it’s lovely in here.
In Australia, a doctor has discovered a female patient whose sleep - walking causes her to go out and have sex with total strangers while she’s asleep...They could have diagnosed this years ago, but no guys ever complained.
And the rumor is that it’ll be like the last time. Kerry will win the popular vote and Bush will win the electoral votes. And they say Americans could spend weeks not knowing who’s really president, Bush or Kerry. Hey, is that so bad? We spent the last 4 years not really knowing who is president, Bush or Cheney.
Candidates are using a lot of boxing metaphors. President Bush kept quoting boxer Joe Louis "You can run but you can’t hide”. John Kerry quoted Mohammed Ali "Is that all you got?” And today Ralph Nader quoted Mike Tyson "I’m broke.”
Well I saw something really sad today coming to work - on Hollywood Boulevard. Two guys sharing a flu shot needle.
Did you all get your flu shots today? Oh — that’s right — you’re not celebrities. I got four today. Paris Hilton’s dog got one today. Have you gotten one Kev? I haven’t either. They use one needle for all of NBC.
Now they say the campaigns are gonna get even more negative. Is that possible? One side is calling the president "a complete idiot.” The other side is calling a war hero with a chest full of medals from Vietnam a "coward.” How do you get more negative than that?
Scare in Cleveland. John Edward’s plane takeoff was aborted because of an indicator light. Apparently there just wasn’t enough electricity for both the indicator light and John Edwards’ hair blower. So one of them had to go.
Here’s an embarrassing incident - on two Bush/Cheney billboards in New Jersey Dick Cheney’s’ last name is spelled with an "a” instead of an "e.” So apparently Bush really is in charge of his own campaign!
Today they began "early voting" in Florida. And once again, Al Gore lost.
The "early voting" was followed by "early screw-ups", "early intimidation" and "early lost ballots"
Halloween is around the corner and I saw my first guy in a John Kerry mask. Then I realized it was John Kerry. His face never moves. How can you tell?
Today Martha Stewart got her first phone call, the bad news, it was from Bill O’Reilly.
Bill O’Reilly accused of sexual harassment from a producer from his show. She claims he had phone sex with her. He says he’s a victim of a "vast right hand conspiracy.”
You know what’s fascinating about this, you’ve got Bill Bennett gambling, Rush Limbaugh on drugs, and Bill O’Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Apparently being conservative is a lot more fun than it used to be.
It’s now week 6 of the NFL season and there’s still no professional football in L.A. God, it’s like we’re in Miami, what happened?
The Miami Dolphins are now 0 and 6. It’s so bad now Flipper the mascot now wants to be called a porpoise.
Here’s a strange story. According to a court judge in Italy, having sex in a bar bathroom does not breech public decency laws as long as the door to the stall is shut. Forget the legal thing. What kind of sleezball takes a woman into the men’s bathroom to have sex? Yeah, it’s lovely in here.
In Australia, a doctor has discovered a female patient whose sleep - walking causes her to go out and have sex with total strangers while she’s asleep...They could have diagnosed this years ago, but no guys ever complained.
