Sunday, September 26, 2004
Leno
John Kerry is still fighting a bad head cold. And with his head, that could last for years.
Yesterday President Bush gave a major speech about Iraq and today John Kerry gave a major speech about Iraq. Do you know what this means—the war in Vietnam may finally be over.
Fall started this week. The fall of Dan Rather!
More problems for the CBS Network. They’ve now been fined $550,000 by the FCC for airing Janet Jackson showing her breast during the super bowl game. Boy how ironic is that? All the trouble CBS is in over fake documents and the one thing they show that’s real.
Ralph Nader attacked the Democrats today calling them "Gutless, spineless, clueless and hapless”. The Democrats shot right back, they said, "At least we’re not voteless!!!”
President Bush attended the opening of the Smithsonian’s American Indian museum in Washington, D.C. President Bush said he was proud of the history of the Indians and proud that the white man could come to this country to liberate them and bring the democracy.
"Forbes” magazine has come out with their annual list of the 400 richest Americans. Bill Gates is once again number one with $48 billion. Plus with that high a balance, he gets free checking.
This year there are 50 women on the "Forbes” 400 richest list. Or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.
Here’s some good gossip, according to the world entertainment news network, Justin Timberlake had planned to marry Cameron Diaz this Christmas, but called it off because his mom thinks he’s too young to marry. I don’t know. You think he’s too young to marry? You know how you can tell if you’re too young to get married? If your mom won’t let you!
Britney Spears says "Yes she is married” she said the problem is the paperwork hasn’t come through so she’s not legal yet. Well there’s something you don’t see a lot of in L.A. huh? People are here, but not legal. I think that’s the first that’s ever happened, isn’t it?
Some good news: I think we can all sleep a little easier tonight knowing Cat Stevens is no longer a threat, can’t we? The bad news – Joni Mitchell is still out there, somewhere.
Cat Stevens says he is outraged by the USA’s refusal to allow him into the country...he says he now has no choice but to enter America the way most people do - in a van coming into San Diego.
Of course, the big legal question... does Cat Stevens still get the frequent flyer miles?
October 8th is the date for reporting to jail for Martha Stewart. Or, as the inmates like to call her, "The Bachelorette”!
Jessica Simpson has won the role of Daisy Duke in the upcoming "Dukes of Hazzard” movie. They say it’s a really smart script, but Jessica’s going to do it anyway.
The first baseball game has just been played in Iraq. I don’t think they quite get the concept. Like a guy stole second and they cut off his feet.
The big basketball rumor – former NBA star Jayson Williams may come out of retirement and play again. You know he’d be perfect for? The Lakers. They need a good outside shooter.
Letterman
John Kerry has been making changes to his campaign staff. Today he fired his wife and hired Heather Locklear.
Kerry has gotten rid of a bunch of people. He’s now brought in a bunch from the Clinton team. These Clinton guys are good! It’s amazing what they can do. The first thing they did for Kerry was get him a chubby intern.
Welcome to the show. I have a warning for everyone before we start. CBS can not vouch for the authenticity of these jokes.
I also have an announcement from Britney Spears. There will be no Sunday wedding this weekend. She has a bye week.
Martha Stewart wants to go to jail as soon as possible. Once she gets there she will be given a bar of soap which she will carve into a decorative bar of soap.
Conan
Happy Yom Kippur! Today is the day Jewish people ask for forgiveness for Barry Manilow.
CBS is getting bombarded with email asking to fire Dan Rather. Not surprisingly the only two people that want CBS to keep Dan Rather are Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings.
John Kerry is still fighting a bad head cold. And with his head, that could last for years.
Yesterday President Bush gave a major speech about Iraq and today John Kerry gave a major speech about Iraq. Do you know what this means—the war in Vietnam may finally be over.
Fall started this week. The fall of Dan Rather!
More problems for the CBS Network. They’ve now been fined $550,000 by the FCC for airing Janet Jackson showing her breast during the super bowl game. Boy how ironic is that? All the trouble CBS is in over fake documents and the one thing they show that’s real.
Ralph Nader attacked the Democrats today calling them "Gutless, spineless, clueless and hapless”. The Democrats shot right back, they said, "At least we’re not voteless!!!”
President Bush attended the opening of the Smithsonian’s American Indian museum in Washington, D.C. President Bush said he was proud of the history of the Indians and proud that the white man could come to this country to liberate them and bring the democracy.
"Forbes” magazine has come out with their annual list of the 400 richest Americans. Bill Gates is once again number one with $48 billion. Plus with that high a balance, he gets free checking.
This year there are 50 women on the "Forbes” 400 richest list. Or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.
Here’s some good gossip, according to the world entertainment news network, Justin Timberlake had planned to marry Cameron Diaz this Christmas, but called it off because his mom thinks he’s too young to marry. I don’t know. You think he’s too young to marry? You know how you can tell if you’re too young to get married? If your mom won’t let you!
Britney Spears says "Yes she is married” she said the problem is the paperwork hasn’t come through so she’s not legal yet. Well there’s something you don’t see a lot of in L.A. huh? People are here, but not legal. I think that’s the first that’s ever happened, isn’t it?
Some good news: I think we can all sleep a little easier tonight knowing Cat Stevens is no longer a threat, can’t we? The bad news – Joni Mitchell is still out there, somewhere.
Cat Stevens says he is outraged by the USA’s refusal to allow him into the country...he says he now has no choice but to enter America the way most people do - in a van coming into San Diego.
Of course, the big legal question... does Cat Stevens still get the frequent flyer miles?
October 8th is the date for reporting to jail for Martha Stewart. Or, as the inmates like to call her, "The Bachelorette”!
Jessica Simpson has won the role of Daisy Duke in the upcoming "Dukes of Hazzard” movie. They say it’s a really smart script, but Jessica’s going to do it anyway.
The first baseball game has just been played in Iraq. I don’t think they quite get the concept. Like a guy stole second and they cut off his feet.
The big basketball rumor – former NBA star Jayson Williams may come out of retirement and play again. You know he’d be perfect for? The Lakers. They need a good outside shooter.
Letterman
John Kerry has been making changes to his campaign staff. Today he fired his wife and hired Heather Locklear.
Kerry has gotten rid of a bunch of people. He’s now brought in a bunch from the Clinton team. These Clinton guys are good! It’s amazing what they can do. The first thing they did for Kerry was get him a chubby intern.
Welcome to the show. I have a warning for everyone before we start. CBS can not vouch for the authenticity of these jokes.
I also have an announcement from Britney Spears. There will be no Sunday wedding this weekend. She has a bye week.
Martha Stewart wants to go to jail as soon as possible. Once she gets there she will be given a bar of soap which she will carve into a decorative bar of soap.
Conan
Happy Yom Kippur! Today is the day Jewish people ask for forgiveness for Barry Manilow.
CBS is getting bombarded with email asking to fire Dan Rather. Not surprisingly the only two people that want CBS to keep Dan Rather are Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings.
