Friday, September 17, 2004
Leno
John Kerry campaigned in Wisconsin today. It was reported he had a huge cheese head on. Turns out that was his actual head.
As you know, we've been having some wild weather, and that could affect the vote on Election Day. For example: if there's a hurricane in Texas, Kerry could win. If there's a rainstorm in Massachusetts, Bush could win. And if it "snows in hell”, Ralph Nader will win.
A lot of new shows premiering this week. CBS has a new news magazine coming out….it’s called "Dan Rather’s Believe It or Not”.
You all know CBS, which stands for "Can't Believe Story”.
There seems to be more and more evidence that those documents about George Bush’s time in the National Guard that they showed on "60 Minutes” might be fake. In fact, on nightline, Ted Koppel said the Kerry campaign put this stuff out forgeries would be "unbelievably stupid.” You know what this means? Bush is the smart one.
President Bush addressed National Guard troops at the National Guard Association in Las Vegas. President Bush told the troops he’s proud of his time in the national guard, he said it was the best weekend of his life. He couldn’t believe it. Two days of partying.
He refused to answer any questions about his military service saying, "what happens in the National Guard, stays in the National Guard”.
Anybody going to the Anaheim Angels and Texas Rangers game this weekend? A lot of good seats are still available. If you can’t find a seat just yell into the ranger bullpen, they’ll through one up for you.
I guess you all know that story – Texas reliever Frank Francisco threw a chair into the stands, hit a guy in the head and broke a woman’s nose. Here’s my question – if a chair does go into the stands, is that like a foul ball? Do you get to keep it? Do you take it home? Have the guy sign it.
I guess you hear about what Oprah did during the taping of her show? She gave everybody in her studio audience a free car. I want to take this moment to thank Oprah Winfrey for making the rest of us look like cheap bastards!
Did you see what they did on the Jerry Springer show today? Everybody in his audience got a free mullet.
Governor Schwarzenegger has passed a new law - it is now illegal in California to have sex with a corpse. There goes tipper gore’s weekend.
I’m glad it’s now illegal to have sex with a corpse in California. I tell you that forest lawn was turning into a real meat market.
Conan
The big story today is Martha Stewart. She had a press conference saying that she wants to serve her jail term as soon as possible and that she wants to serve it in Florida. When the people of Florida heard this they said, "We’re tired of fleeing the area!”
The other night at a Texas Rangers game a pitcher threw a chair into the stands. He was convicted to six months of being a part of the Jerry Springer audience.
John Kerry campaigned in Wisconsin today. It was reported he had a huge cheese head on. Turns out that was his actual head.
As you know, we've been having some wild weather, and that could affect the vote on Election Day. For example: if there's a hurricane in Texas, Kerry could win. If there's a rainstorm in Massachusetts, Bush could win. And if it "snows in hell”, Ralph Nader will win.
A lot of new shows premiering this week. CBS has a new news magazine coming out….it’s called "Dan Rather’s Believe It or Not”.
You all know CBS, which stands for "Can't Believe Story”.
There seems to be more and more evidence that those documents about George Bush’s time in the National Guard that they showed on "60 Minutes” might be fake. In fact, on nightline, Ted Koppel said the Kerry campaign put this stuff out forgeries would be "unbelievably stupid.” You know what this means? Bush is the smart one.
President Bush addressed National Guard troops at the National Guard Association in Las Vegas. President Bush told the troops he’s proud of his time in the national guard, he said it was the best weekend of his life. He couldn’t believe it. Two days of partying.
He refused to answer any questions about his military service saying, "what happens in the National Guard, stays in the National Guard”.
Anybody going to the Anaheim Angels and Texas Rangers game this weekend? A lot of good seats are still available. If you can’t find a seat just yell into the ranger bullpen, they’ll through one up for you.
I guess you all know that story – Texas reliever Frank Francisco threw a chair into the stands, hit a guy in the head and broke a woman’s nose. Here’s my question – if a chair does go into the stands, is that like a foul ball? Do you get to keep it? Do you take it home? Have the guy sign it.
I guess you hear about what Oprah did during the taping of her show? She gave everybody in her studio audience a free car. I want to take this moment to thank Oprah Winfrey for making the rest of us look like cheap bastards!
Did you see what they did on the Jerry Springer show today? Everybody in his audience got a free mullet.
Governor Schwarzenegger has passed a new law - it is now illegal in California to have sex with a corpse. There goes tipper gore’s weekend.
I’m glad it’s now illegal to have sex with a corpse in California. I tell you that forest lawn was turning into a real meat market.
Conan
The big story today is Martha Stewart. She had a press conference saying that she wants to serve her jail term as soon as possible and that she wants to serve it in Florida. When the people of Florida heard this they said, "We’re tired of fleeing the area!”
The other night at a Texas Rangers game a pitcher threw a chair into the stands. He was convicted to six months of being a part of the Jerry Springer audience.
