Sunday, September 19, 2004
Leno
Happy "TGIF” everybody – or as Republicans call it "thank God it’s a forgery”.
That was the big head in the "New York Times” said the CBS memos are "fake but accurate.” Fake but accurate? They’re like breasts in California. "Fake but accurate.”
CBS has a new slogan, "truth, you can't handle the truth!"
Today Dan Rather got some bad news, he's being investigated by "60 Minutes”.
On "60 Minutes” the other night Dan Rather interviewed the 86 year old former Texas National Guard Secretary. And Mike Wallace was furious. In fact he complained to "60 Minutes” producers, "How come Rather always gets to interview the hot chicks?!”
Happy New Year! Rosh Hashanah! If you’re Jewish, happy New Year! The year is 5765. Today President Bush was asked again where he was when he was in the guard in May of 1973. And he said "How am I supposed to remember May of 1973. That was 3,732 years ago!”
Yesterday John Kerry was in Las Vegas, George Bush was there Tuesday, and Ralph Nader will be in Vegas tomorrow. He’s not addressing anyone, he’s just going to the star trek experience at the Vegas Hilton!
The word is Ralph Nader will be on the ballot in Florida. Yeah, lot of good it did al gore.
You know I saw a picture of John Edwards today. It was on the side of a carton of milk. What’s happened to this guy?
Anybody seen Edwards, he’s dropped out of sight. It's like he's already vice president. Where is this guy?
Yesterday Dick Cheney was campaigning in Reno, Nevada and actually did some gambling. He gambled! He had bacon and eggs and tried to walk up a whole flight of stairs.
Martha Stewart said that she wants to go to prison as soon as possible so she could be out in time to plant her spring garden. She also asked that the time she spent in K-Mart be counted as time served.
ABC and ESPN, which are both part of the Disney family, are combining forces on a new reality show. It’s called "extreme makeover at the ballpark”. You go to a baseball game and sit near the Texas Rangers’ bullpen and they’ll give you a nose job with a folding chair.
According to "Glamour” magazine breast size has gone up the last 4 years. The average breasts size has gone up one full cup size in 4 years. This is the platform Bush should be running on. Breasts have gotten bigger under his administration. So we are better off than we were 4 years ago. This could get democrats to vote for him. "Four more years….let’s go up, one more cup!”
Bobby Brown is coming out with a new reality show….it’s called "Being Bobby Brown”. Which is better than the original title: "Beating Whitney Houston”.
It’s kind of a shock - Barbara Walters is retiring from "20/20”. And even more surprising - the reason she’s retiring? She wants to go smoke pot with Ricky Williams.
Michael Jackson was in court, facing the mother of the boy he’s accused of molesting. I don't think he helped his case any when he said, "Which one was your kid?”
Happy "TGIF” everybody – or as Republicans call it "thank God it’s a forgery”.
That was the big head in the "New York Times” said the CBS memos are "fake but accurate.” Fake but accurate? They’re like breasts in California. "Fake but accurate.”
CBS has a new slogan, "truth, you can't handle the truth!"
Today Dan Rather got some bad news, he's being investigated by "60 Minutes”.
On "60 Minutes” the other night Dan Rather interviewed the 86 year old former Texas National Guard Secretary. And Mike Wallace was furious. In fact he complained to "60 Minutes” producers, "How come Rather always gets to interview the hot chicks?!”
Happy New Year! Rosh Hashanah! If you’re Jewish, happy New Year! The year is 5765. Today President Bush was asked again where he was when he was in the guard in May of 1973. And he said "How am I supposed to remember May of 1973. That was 3,732 years ago!”
Yesterday John Kerry was in Las Vegas, George Bush was there Tuesday, and Ralph Nader will be in Vegas tomorrow. He’s not addressing anyone, he’s just going to the star trek experience at the Vegas Hilton!
The word is Ralph Nader will be on the ballot in Florida. Yeah, lot of good it did al gore.
You know I saw a picture of John Edwards today. It was on the side of a carton of milk. What’s happened to this guy?
Anybody seen Edwards, he’s dropped out of sight. It's like he's already vice president. Where is this guy?
Yesterday Dick Cheney was campaigning in Reno, Nevada and actually did some gambling. He gambled! He had bacon and eggs and tried to walk up a whole flight of stairs.
Martha Stewart said that she wants to go to prison as soon as possible so she could be out in time to plant her spring garden. She also asked that the time she spent in K-Mart be counted as time served.
ABC and ESPN, which are both part of the Disney family, are combining forces on a new reality show. It’s called "extreme makeover at the ballpark”. You go to a baseball game and sit near the Texas Rangers’ bullpen and they’ll give you a nose job with a folding chair.
According to "Glamour” magazine breast size has gone up the last 4 years. The average breasts size has gone up one full cup size in 4 years. This is the platform Bush should be running on. Breasts have gotten bigger under his administration. So we are better off than we were 4 years ago. This could get democrats to vote for him. "Four more years….let’s go up, one more cup!”
Bobby Brown is coming out with a new reality show….it’s called "Being Bobby Brown”. Which is better than the original title: "Beating Whitney Houston”.
It’s kind of a shock - Barbara Walters is retiring from "20/20”. And even more surprising - the reason she’s retiring? She wants to go smoke pot with Ricky Williams.
Michael Jackson was in court, facing the mother of the boy he’s accused of molesting. I don't think he helped his case any when he said, "Which one was your kid?”
