Thursday, September 30, 2004
Leno
Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn’t get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message.
First he gets the Botox. Now he’s got the rich tan. Apparently the senator’s confused. The Miss America Pageant was last week. This is the presidential debates. In fact it was reported today Kerry got a bikini wax.
Let me tell you something, the only time Bush’s face turns color is when he’s choking on a pretzel.
Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It’s kinda like "The Apprentice”, except we get to fire somebody.
A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry, on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”
And the big question is if the Iraqi election will take place as scheduled or not. That’s what all the pundits and experts are arguing. What are they talking about? How are we going to figure that out? We can’t even figure out if Britney Spears is married.
Did you hear about this - big surprise at CBS News – Dan Rather is still there.
Oil has hit an all time high of $50 a barrel. You know what I do? I get it for $48 bucks a barrel on Ebay! I refine it at the house….
A man is suing Southwest Airlines claiming they humiliated him by forcing him to buy two seats for a flight because he’s so fat. Here’s how fat he is - those seats weren’t even on the same flight.
British entrepreneur Richard Branson plans to launch the world’s first passenger service into outer space in the year 2007. Fly into outer space. Isn’t that unbelievable? They say the flight will be available to everyone except Cat Stevens.
There was a 6.0 earthquake in Central California. You know the two best places to be during an earthquake… either under a doorway or at Hooters.
Some sad news - the people who make hostess Twinkies are filing for bankruptcy. The makers of Twinkies are so desperate, they’re even considering adding some nutrition.
In the literary word - a previously unknown story by Ernest Hemmingway has surfaced. The source is still unknown, but Dan Rather says it proves Bush was awol.
Letterman
Not getting "The Tonight Show” again.
I was talking earlier to the audience about the rain. It’s rained all day today and will tonight. It’s rained so much that Oprah is giving away boats.
Martha Stewart is going away to prison a week from Sunday. Today they assigned her number. So now you can look for her 55170-054 collection at K-Mart.
How many folks are voting for Ralph Nader? (little applause) Thanks Ralph! Anyway Ralph couldn’t get in the debates down in Florida. He will however be making a guest appearance on "CSI: Miami” as a guest cadaver.
Conan
The presidential debates are coming up. Everyone is excited to watch these. This Thursday is the first presidential debate. Have you heard the ground rules? Listen to this, John Kerry wants the podium to be tall enough to hide his hands and George Bush wants his to be wide enough to hide Dick Cheney.
Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn’t get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message.
First he gets the Botox. Now he’s got the rich tan. Apparently the senator’s confused. The Miss America Pageant was last week. This is the presidential debates. In fact it was reported today Kerry got a bikini wax.
Let me tell you something, the only time Bush’s face turns color is when he’s choking on a pretzel.
Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It’s kinda like "The Apprentice”, except we get to fire somebody.
A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry, on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”
And the big question is if the Iraqi election will take place as scheduled or not. That’s what all the pundits and experts are arguing. What are they talking about? How are we going to figure that out? We can’t even figure out if Britney Spears is married.
Did you hear about this - big surprise at CBS News – Dan Rather is still there.
Oil has hit an all time high of $50 a barrel. You know what I do? I get it for $48 bucks a barrel on Ebay! I refine it at the house….
A man is suing Southwest Airlines claiming they humiliated him by forcing him to buy two seats for a flight because he’s so fat. Here’s how fat he is - those seats weren’t even on the same flight.
British entrepreneur Richard Branson plans to launch the world’s first passenger service into outer space in the year 2007. Fly into outer space. Isn’t that unbelievable? They say the flight will be available to everyone except Cat Stevens.
There was a 6.0 earthquake in Central California. You know the two best places to be during an earthquake… either under a doorway or at Hooters.
Some sad news - the people who make hostess Twinkies are filing for bankruptcy. The makers of Twinkies are so desperate, they’re even considering adding some nutrition.
In the literary word - a previously unknown story by Ernest Hemmingway has surfaced. The source is still unknown, but Dan Rather says it proves Bush was awol.
Letterman
Not getting "The Tonight Show” again.
I was talking earlier to the audience about the rain. It’s rained all day today and will tonight. It’s rained so much that Oprah is giving away boats.
Martha Stewart is going away to prison a week from Sunday. Today they assigned her number. So now you can look for her 55170-054 collection at K-Mart.
How many folks are voting for Ralph Nader? (little applause) Thanks Ralph! Anyway Ralph couldn’t get in the debates down in Florida. He will however be making a guest appearance on "CSI: Miami” as a guest cadaver.
Conan
The presidential debates are coming up. Everyone is excited to watch these. This Thursday is the first presidential debate. Have you heard the ground rules? Listen to this, John Kerry wants the podium to be tall enough to hide his hands and George Bush wants his to be wide enough to hide Dick Cheney.
