Thursday, September 16, 2004
Leno
Boy there is nothing but disasters on the news – Hurricane Frances, Hurricane Ivan, the Kerry campaign.
According to the latest crime statistics, crime in the U.S. is at a 30 year low. It’s the lowest it’s been since 1972. Today John Kerry blamed this on President Bush. He said, "See even criminals are having a hard time finding jobs to pull off.”
Let’s start out with the big political news – all the bickering, the name calling, the endless lying back and forth. Isn’t it great having Hillary and Bill back in the news again.
As you know, President Clinton is out of the hospital. He returned home over the weekend. He must feel like that guy in the movie "misery”. Clinton’s stuck in bed, being taken care of by Hillary. She’s got that big hammer and she’s not going to be hitting him in the foot.
Let’s see what’s going on at CBS News.
I guess you’re familiar with these allegations that the bush National Guard records displayed on "60 Minutes” were fake. Hey, as long as we’re cracking down on fake stuff on "60 Minutes”, how about somebody looks into Mike Wallace’s hair? The guy is 86, it’s jet black! How did that happen?
Actually new documents surfaced proving that President Bush did not fulfill his National Guard service. CBS said they know they’re new because they were just printed over the weekend.
Dick Cheney says that the economic numbers do not take into consideration all the people who make money on Ebay. Cheney said 400,000 people make money on Ebay. Well sure, after they lose their jobs, they have to sell their cars, and their jewelry.
One million Cubans are trying to flee the island. Not from the hurricane. They try that every Tuesday. Tuesday…let’s get the hell out of here day.
Free chair night at the Oakland A’s game. At an Oakland A’s game, a Texas Rangers relief pitcher Frank "The Chair” Francisco, he got annoyed at the crowd and threw a chair into the stands. It hit one guy in the head and broke a woman’s nose. He was taken into custody and immediately booked on the "Jerry Springer Show”.
Hey, Kev, what do you call 276 very angry people? Oprah’s audience!
On Oprah’s show she gave her audience brand new cars as part of her "wildest dreams come true” theme. We have something similar here tonight. It’s called "keep dreaming!”
And of course the audience was thrilled they all get cars. Then someone asked, "Do we get a free tank of gas?” And then Oprah said, "Hey, I’m not made of money. Give me a break.”
Did you see what Maury Povich gave his audience? Free cinderblocks for the cars in their front yard.
The number one movie in the country is "Resident Evil: The Apocalypse.” Which I believe is Michael Moore’s second film on President Bush.
Playboy.com is planning a women of McDonald’s issue. Naked women and McDonald’s. This is like Bill Clinton’s dream come true, isn’t it?
Conan
In England a man dressed as Batman was arrested for climbing the wall to Buckingham Palace. Sadly the man was Val Kilmer.
The average age of a Viagra user is getting younger and younger. In fact Pfizer is now selling Viagra in Pez dispensers.
Boy there is nothing but disasters on the news – Hurricane Frances, Hurricane Ivan, the Kerry campaign.
According to the latest crime statistics, crime in the U.S. is at a 30 year low. It’s the lowest it’s been since 1972. Today John Kerry blamed this on President Bush. He said, "See even criminals are having a hard time finding jobs to pull off.”
Let’s start out with the big political news – all the bickering, the name calling, the endless lying back and forth. Isn’t it great having Hillary and Bill back in the news again.
As you know, President Clinton is out of the hospital. He returned home over the weekend. He must feel like that guy in the movie "misery”. Clinton’s stuck in bed, being taken care of by Hillary. She’s got that big hammer and she’s not going to be hitting him in the foot.
Let’s see what’s going on at CBS News.
I guess you’re familiar with these allegations that the bush National Guard records displayed on "60 Minutes” were fake. Hey, as long as we’re cracking down on fake stuff on "60 Minutes”, how about somebody looks into Mike Wallace’s hair? The guy is 86, it’s jet black! How did that happen?
Actually new documents surfaced proving that President Bush did not fulfill his National Guard service. CBS said they know they’re new because they were just printed over the weekend.
Dick Cheney says that the economic numbers do not take into consideration all the people who make money on Ebay. Cheney said 400,000 people make money on Ebay. Well sure, after they lose their jobs, they have to sell their cars, and their jewelry.
One million Cubans are trying to flee the island. Not from the hurricane. They try that every Tuesday. Tuesday…let’s get the hell out of here day.
Free chair night at the Oakland A’s game. At an Oakland A’s game, a Texas Rangers relief pitcher Frank "The Chair” Francisco, he got annoyed at the crowd and threw a chair into the stands. It hit one guy in the head and broke a woman’s nose. He was taken into custody and immediately booked on the "Jerry Springer Show”.
Hey, Kev, what do you call 276 very angry people? Oprah’s audience!
On Oprah’s show she gave her audience brand new cars as part of her "wildest dreams come true” theme. We have something similar here tonight. It’s called "keep dreaming!”
And of course the audience was thrilled they all get cars. Then someone asked, "Do we get a free tank of gas?” And then Oprah said, "Hey, I’m not made of money. Give me a break.”
Did you see what Maury Povich gave his audience? Free cinderblocks for the cars in their front yard.
The number one movie in the country is "Resident Evil: The Apocalypse.” Which I believe is Michael Moore’s second film on President Bush.
Playboy.com is planning a women of McDonald’s issue. Naked women and McDonald’s. This is like Bill Clinton’s dream come true, isn’t it?
Conan
In England a man dressed as Batman was arrested for climbing the wall to Buckingham Palace. Sadly the man was Val Kilmer.
The average age of a Viagra user is getting younger and younger. In fact Pfizer is now selling Viagra in Pez dispensers.
