Sunday, August 15, 2004
Leno
Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry "lacks deeply held convictions". Today Kerry shot back, he said, "That's not completely true."
The opening ceremony also featured these giant statues. Did you see them? I saw this one giant statue with an enormous 40 foot head, and then I realized it was the new John Kerry campaign commercial.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show" on NBC, home to the big fat Greek Olympics.
The big opening ceremony for the Olympics were earlier tonight. You folks didn't see it because you're here, but it was pretty spectacular. You know they always start out with that parade of nations. All the athletes walking into the stadium behind their country's flag. You know it takes like four hours to do that. Hey, aren't these people athletes? Can't they pick up the pace a little bit? Maybe jog in? Pole vault in?
The British Virgin Islands has one athlete. Not too much pressure on that guy, huh? He's in 1500 events.
Isn't that amazing? They've got one guy on the whole team! Just like the Lakers!
Some controversy already. Apparently the British Women's Swim Team is wearing new skin-tight lycra swimsuits that are see-thru in water. You can see right through when they are wet. If you are thinking of getting one of those high-definition TV sets, this is the time to do it.
Remeber those two taxi cops who arrested Mike Wallace? They said they felt "threatened" by him. Today I understand they were able to subdue an out of control Bob Barker.
Florida is hit by Hurricane Charley. Authorities were telling people to evacuate certain areas. You know when Florida should be evacuated? On Election Day. Just get everybody to leave.
Another hot day...what was it, 102? I was sweating like Scott Peterson trying to remember what city I was calling from.
In a taped phone call played for jurors, Scott Peterson told Amber Frey his favorite movie of all time was "The Shining". You know at this point, the judge should have just said, "Okay, guilty. I don't think we need to go any further.
Peterson's defense lawyer Mark Geragos has argued in court that just because a man cheats on his wife doesn't make him a killer. Which is true. In fact, it's just the opposite. It usually makes the wife a killer.
According to "Men's Health" magazine, Denver, Colorado is the drunkest city in America with the most alcohol problems. Well duh, it's a major airline hub. They've got thousands of drunken pilots landing there every day.
Letterman
Earlier this week the largest diamond ever discovered was found in South Africa. It's four times bigger than the Hope Diamond. It's now on its way to its new home on Mrs. Kobe Bryant's finger.
Conan
Tomorrow the first events of the Summer Olympics begin in Athens. That means at this moment Bob Costas is going over crap that no one else cares about.
The Olympics are airing right here on NBC. There will be 1,210 hours of coverage on the NBC networks. 1,210 hours of programming - which is four less than "Last Comic Standing".
Kilborn
The Democrats are spending $250 million to defeat President Bush. Wouldn't it be simpler to get a mountain bike and a pretzel?
Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry "lacks deeply held convictions". Today Kerry shot back, he said, "That's not completely true."
The opening ceremony also featured these giant statues. Did you see them? I saw this one giant statue with an enormous 40 foot head, and then I realized it was the new John Kerry campaign commercial.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show" on NBC, home to the big fat Greek Olympics.
The big opening ceremony for the Olympics were earlier tonight. You folks didn't see it because you're here, but it was pretty spectacular. You know they always start out with that parade of nations. All the athletes walking into the stadium behind their country's flag. You know it takes like four hours to do that. Hey, aren't these people athletes? Can't they pick up the pace a little bit? Maybe jog in? Pole vault in?
The British Virgin Islands has one athlete. Not too much pressure on that guy, huh? He's in 1500 events.
Isn't that amazing? They've got one guy on the whole team! Just like the Lakers!
Some controversy already. Apparently the British Women's Swim Team is wearing new skin-tight lycra swimsuits that are see-thru in water. You can see right through when they are wet. If you are thinking of getting one of those high-definition TV sets, this is the time to do it.
Remeber those two taxi cops who arrested Mike Wallace? They said they felt "threatened" by him. Today I understand they were able to subdue an out of control Bob Barker.
Florida is hit by Hurricane Charley. Authorities were telling people to evacuate certain areas. You know when Florida should be evacuated? On Election Day. Just get everybody to leave.
Another hot day...what was it, 102? I was sweating like Scott Peterson trying to remember what city I was calling from.
In a taped phone call played for jurors, Scott Peterson told Amber Frey his favorite movie of all time was "The Shining". You know at this point, the judge should have just said, "Okay, guilty. I don't think we need to go any further.
Peterson's defense lawyer Mark Geragos has argued in court that just because a man cheats on his wife doesn't make him a killer. Which is true. In fact, it's just the opposite. It usually makes the wife a killer.
According to "Men's Health" magazine, Denver, Colorado is the drunkest city in America with the most alcohol problems. Well duh, it's a major airline hub. They've got thousands of drunken pilots landing there every day.
Letterman
Earlier this week the largest diamond ever discovered was found in South Africa. It's four times bigger than the Hope Diamond. It's now on its way to its new home on Mrs. Kobe Bryant's finger.
Conan
Tomorrow the first events of the Summer Olympics begin in Athens. That means at this moment Bob Costas is going over crap that no one else cares about.
The Olympics are airing right here on NBC. There will be 1,210 hours of coverage on the NBC networks. 1,210 hours of programming - which is four less than "Last Comic Standing".
Kilborn
The Democrats are spending $250 million to defeat President Bush. Wouldn't it be simpler to get a mountain bike and a pretzel?
