Friday, August 13, 2004
Leno
Let's see what's going on with the Democrats, John and Teresa - or as they're called now, Cash and Kerry...
According to the Drudge Report, John Kerry and his wife had a huge argument after the campaign rally in Arizona on Sunday night and had to sleep in separate hotel rooms. So apparently they're going after the Clinton vote.
Apparently what happened, while they were having an intimate moment Kerry accidentally yelled out the name "John Edwards".
According to the papers today, John Kerry said today as president he would remove a large number of our troops from Iraq within the first six months. Well that's smart, don't you think, in a war it's always a good idea to tell the other side when and what your plans are. Like in football, "We're going to fake a field goal."
What was it? 103 today? I tell you, I was sweating like Scott Peterson watching Amber Frey testify.
In fact it was so hot, Glorida Allred said she's suing the sun for harassment.
It was so hot, I was sweating like a Muslim limo driver.
Did you hear about this? Some good news - a major terror suspect has been arrested in New York City - Mike Wallace!
That's my favorite new story. "60 Minutes" legend Mike Wallace was handcuffed and taken to the police station after he got in a fight with a city inspector over where he parked his car. They arrested him! Give the guy a break - at Mike's age, he should get credit for remembering where his car is. Come on!
The city inspectors claim that Wallace lunged at them. He wasn't lunging. His hip gave out. He's 86!
They said that Wallace was so belligerent that cops thought he was Andy Rooney.
Some people think this is just a ploy to get the first jailhouse interview with Martha Stewart.
I guess you heard this story that terrorist threats were made against Las Vegas but city officials didn't want them made public. Now some people are accusing Vegas of putting money ahead of people. No!!! It's always the people you least expect. Mayberry maybe, but Las Vegas?
On the tapes these terrorists called Las Vegas "the city of Satan". Well you can't argue with them there.
Secretary of State Colin Powell announced yesterday that he will not be attending the Republican Convention. Uuhh ooh...so I guess they're going to have to find another black guy.
You know NBC paid $793 million for the rights to this year's games? It's amazing what we can do now that they don't have to pay the cast of "Friends" anymore.
Conan
What's in the news? More trouble for John Kerry. The other night in Arizona it was reported that John Kerry and his wife Teresa got into a fight and it was so bad they slept in separate rooms at the hotel. Actually experts are saying that the fight wasn't real and they are just going after the Clinton vote.
The Athens Olympic Committee has asked George Michael to write the theme song for the games. Then they said, "Sorry, we thought this was the 1984 games."
Plans by Al Qaeda to blow up casinos in Las Vegas were stopped last year. Does that make sense though? If you want to destroy a casino - just hire Donald Trump to run it.
Let's see what's going on with the Democrats, John and Teresa - or as they're called now, Cash and Kerry...
According to the Drudge Report, John Kerry and his wife had a huge argument after the campaign rally in Arizona on Sunday night and had to sleep in separate hotel rooms. So apparently they're going after the Clinton vote.
Apparently what happened, while they were having an intimate moment Kerry accidentally yelled out the name "John Edwards".
According to the papers today, John Kerry said today as president he would remove a large number of our troops from Iraq within the first six months. Well that's smart, don't you think, in a war it's always a good idea to tell the other side when and what your plans are. Like in football, "We're going to fake a field goal."
What was it? 103 today? I tell you, I was sweating like Scott Peterson watching Amber Frey testify.
In fact it was so hot, Glorida Allred said she's suing the sun for harassment.
It was so hot, I was sweating like a Muslim limo driver.
Did you hear about this? Some good news - a major terror suspect has been arrested in New York City - Mike Wallace!
That's my favorite new story. "60 Minutes" legend Mike Wallace was handcuffed and taken to the police station after he got in a fight with a city inspector over where he parked his car. They arrested him! Give the guy a break - at Mike's age, he should get credit for remembering where his car is. Come on!
The city inspectors claim that Wallace lunged at them. He wasn't lunging. His hip gave out. He's 86!
They said that Wallace was so belligerent that cops thought he was Andy Rooney.
Some people think this is just a ploy to get the first jailhouse interview with Martha Stewart.
I guess you heard this story that terrorist threats were made against Las Vegas but city officials didn't want them made public. Now some people are accusing Vegas of putting money ahead of people. No!!! It's always the people you least expect. Mayberry maybe, but Las Vegas?
On the tapes these terrorists called Las Vegas "the city of Satan". Well you can't argue with them there.
Secretary of State Colin Powell announced yesterday that he will not be attending the Republican Convention. Uuhh ooh...so I guess they're going to have to find another black guy.
You know NBC paid $793 million for the rights to this year's games? It's amazing what we can do now that they don't have to pay the cast of "Friends" anymore.
Conan
What's in the news? More trouble for John Kerry. The other night in Arizona it was reported that John Kerry and his wife Teresa got into a fight and it was so bad they slept in separate rooms at the hotel. Actually experts are saying that the fight wasn't real and they are just going after the Clinton vote.
The Athens Olympic Committee has asked George Michael to write the theme song for the games. Then they said, "Sorry, we thought this was the 1984 games."
Plans by Al Qaeda to blow up casinos in Las Vegas were stopped last year. Does that make sense though? If you want to destroy a casino - just hire Donald Trump to run it.
