Thursday, August 12, 2004
Leno
John Kerry was at the Grand Canyon yesterday. He said he wanted to go some place that made his head look smaller.
John Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe over the weekend. Kerry said the Indian people have been disrespected in the past, and, under his administration they will be treated with the dignity and reverence that they deserve. Then he got in his Jeep Cherokee and drove away.
Thank you for coming out on such a hot day. It was hot outside. I looked down (at the audience line outside) and drank more lemonade.
Another scorcher today...in fact it was so hot Tom Ridge raised the terror alert from "elevated" to "sticky".
It was so hot in the valley even people who aren't making porn movies are walking around the house naked.
I tell you, I was sweatin' like Don Johnson trying to pay his grocery bill.
Of course the Summer Olympics begin on Friday. This was in the paper today - Greek officials have announced that many Olympic security problems have been solved. "Many". That makes you feel good huh? When you're talking about security, I think a simple majority is all you need.
Greek officials say they are ready for the Olympics, but they'd be more ready if they had more of a head start. More of a head start?! Didn't Greece have the first Olympics like 2500 years ago? How much more time do these people need?
And today the terror threat in Vegas was raised from "who cares" to "not interested".
Here's something scary - the Justice Department revealed today that two years ago they had video surveillance which suggested that terrorists were targeting Las Vegas, but the public was not told about it because they thought it would hurt tourism. You think?! So even the terror alerts fall under "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."
Hey Kev, you know where the terrorists stayed? At the Aladdin and the Sahara.
Now there are reports that the older terrorists may target Branson, Missouri.
President Bush appointed a new CIA Director. Congressman Porter Goss of Florida. Porter Goss. Sounds like something Arnold Schwarzenegger would say at a filling station. "Yeah, pour-da gas, I must go! Pour-da gas!"
It happened again. In Kentucky another teacher was accused of having sex with her student. And the kid was home schooled!
The Lakers have traded Gary Payton and Rick Fox to the Boston Celtics. So many Lakers have left! Who's Kobe not going to pass to next season?
Conan
John Kerry recently went to the Grand Canyon. He said that he hasn't seen a crevess that big since he shaved.
It's being said that 50 athletes on the U.S. Olympic Team are supporting themselves by working at Home Depot. That's good because Athens is still only half done with the Olympic Village.
An astounding 65% of people in California approve of the way Arnold Schwarzenegger is running the state. The other 35% are girly men.
It's being reported that Donald Trump is going to release his own line of clothing. It's going to be made from the same wool-polyester blend that makes up his hair.
John Kerry was at the Grand Canyon yesterday. He said he wanted to go some place that made his head look smaller.
John Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe over the weekend. Kerry said the Indian people have been disrespected in the past, and, under his administration they will be treated with the dignity and reverence that they deserve. Then he got in his Jeep Cherokee and drove away.
Thank you for coming out on such a hot day. It was hot outside. I looked down (at the audience line outside) and drank more lemonade.
Another scorcher today...in fact it was so hot Tom Ridge raised the terror alert from "elevated" to "sticky".
It was so hot in the valley even people who aren't making porn movies are walking around the house naked.
I tell you, I was sweatin' like Don Johnson trying to pay his grocery bill.
Of course the Summer Olympics begin on Friday. This was in the paper today - Greek officials have announced that many Olympic security problems have been solved. "Many". That makes you feel good huh? When you're talking about security, I think a simple majority is all you need.
Greek officials say they are ready for the Olympics, but they'd be more ready if they had more of a head start. More of a head start?! Didn't Greece have the first Olympics like 2500 years ago? How much more time do these people need?
And today the terror threat in Vegas was raised from "who cares" to "not interested".
Here's something scary - the Justice Department revealed today that two years ago they had video surveillance which suggested that terrorists were targeting Las Vegas, but the public was not told about it because they thought it would hurt tourism. You think?! So even the terror alerts fall under "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."
Hey Kev, you know where the terrorists stayed? At the Aladdin and the Sahara.
Now there are reports that the older terrorists may target Branson, Missouri.
President Bush appointed a new CIA Director. Congressman Porter Goss of Florida. Porter Goss. Sounds like something Arnold Schwarzenegger would say at a filling station. "Yeah, pour-da gas, I must go! Pour-da gas!"
It happened again. In Kentucky another teacher was accused of having sex with her student. And the kid was home schooled!
The Lakers have traded Gary Payton and Rick Fox to the Boston Celtics. So many Lakers have left! Who's Kobe not going to pass to next season?
Conan
John Kerry recently went to the Grand Canyon. He said that he hasn't seen a crevess that big since he shaved.
It's being said that 50 athletes on the U.S. Olympic Team are supporting themselves by working at Home Depot. That's good because Athens is still only half done with the Olympic Village.
An astounding 65% of people in California approve of the way Arnold Schwarzenegger is running the state. The other 35% are girly men.
It's being reported that Donald Trump is going to release his own line of clothing. It's going to be made from the same wool-polyester blend that makes up his hair.
