Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Leno
John Kerry embarked on an 1,800 mile train trip through several key battleground states. 1,800 miles on a train - that is the longest Kerry has even gone without changing direction.
You know the Kerrys and the Edwards went to Wendy's the other day for lunch - made a big deal about it. "We're regular people going to Wendy's..." But when they got back to their bus, they secretly had a gourmet meal delivered from a nearby yacht club. So I guess there really are two Americas...and they don't like the food of the poor one.
This weekend, John Kerry is going to meet with the leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe. They like Kerry because his head reminds them of a totem pole.
Governor Schwarzenengger is here tonight. So welcome ladies and girly-men!
You know in less than a year, Governor Schwarzenegger has learned a lot. He's learned tax structure, parliamentary procedure, negotiation strategy, all the ins and outs of state government...the only thing he hasn't learned is the correct way to say "California".
This Department of Homeland Security also announced today it's nearly 90% certain that Peter Parker is Spiderman.
The Labor Department reported only 32,000 jobs were created last month. 32,000! The Kerrys have more servants than that.
Stock market was down 160 points. Lowest it's been all year. You know why it's donw? All our best CEO's are in prison. What the hell are we thinking? Get those guys out of there! Put them back!
More bad news for Ralph Nader today. According to the latest poll - he's six points behind "The Manchurian Candidate".
You know that man accused of fondling a teenage girl at Disney World while wearing a Tigger costume has been found not guilty, after the guys lawyer put on the costume in court to show how difficult it would be to fondle someone with it on. In Colorado today, Kobe Bryant was spotted in court dressed like Winnie the Pooh.
A new study shows that too much homework can make kids obese. What, are they eating their school supplies now?
How is that? Homework makes your kids fat? Then how come so many of our kids are fat and dumb?
Letterman
Of course you're all in town during the big terror alert. Nice timing! Where are you all going next week...Fallujah?!
The bad thing about this teror alert is that all the shrinks and hookers have gone on vacation.
We're on a high alert. But I think things are starting to loosen up. I'll tell you why. Today no matter how hard I tried I could hardly get stripped searched.
Don't worry about New York - we have over 50,000 bomb sniffing rats!
The Republican Convention is coming to town. It's coming up at the end of the month. Everyone is getting ready for the convention. The crack dealers are switching to Viagra.
Here's some good news, the Statue of Liberty has reopened. It was closed two years for restoration. The project was paid for by corporate donors. So that explains why she is now holding a can of Red Bull instead of the torch.
John Kerry embarked on an 1,800 mile train trip through several key battleground states. 1,800 miles on a train - that is the longest Kerry has even gone without changing direction.
You know the Kerrys and the Edwards went to Wendy's the other day for lunch - made a big deal about it. "We're regular people going to Wendy's..." But when they got back to their bus, they secretly had a gourmet meal delivered from a nearby yacht club. So I guess there really are two Americas...and they don't like the food of the poor one.
This weekend, John Kerry is going to meet with the leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe. They like Kerry because his head reminds them of a totem pole.
Governor Schwarzenengger is here tonight. So welcome ladies and girly-men!
You know in less than a year, Governor Schwarzenegger has learned a lot. He's learned tax structure, parliamentary procedure, negotiation strategy, all the ins and outs of state government...the only thing he hasn't learned is the correct way to say "California".
This Department of Homeland Security also announced today it's nearly 90% certain that Peter Parker is Spiderman.
The Labor Department reported only 32,000 jobs were created last month. 32,000! The Kerrys have more servants than that.
Stock market was down 160 points. Lowest it's been all year. You know why it's donw? All our best CEO's are in prison. What the hell are we thinking? Get those guys out of there! Put them back!
More bad news for Ralph Nader today. According to the latest poll - he's six points behind "The Manchurian Candidate".
You know that man accused of fondling a teenage girl at Disney World while wearing a Tigger costume has been found not guilty, after the guys lawyer put on the costume in court to show how difficult it would be to fondle someone with it on. In Colorado today, Kobe Bryant was spotted in court dressed like Winnie the Pooh.
A new study shows that too much homework can make kids obese. What, are they eating their school supplies now?
How is that? Homework makes your kids fat? Then how come so many of our kids are fat and dumb?
Letterman
Of course you're all in town during the big terror alert. Nice timing! Where are you all going next week...Fallujah?!
The bad thing about this teror alert is that all the shrinks and hookers have gone on vacation.
We're on a high alert. But I think things are starting to loosen up. I'll tell you why. Today no matter how hard I tried I could hardly get stripped searched.
Don't worry about New York - we have over 50,000 bomb sniffing rats!
The Republican Convention is coming to town. It's coming up at the end of the month. Everyone is getting ready for the convention. The crack dealers are switching to Viagra.
Here's some good news, the Statue of Liberty has reopened. It was closed two years for restoration. The project was paid for by corporate donors. So that explains why she is now holding a can of Red Bull instead of the torch.
