Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Leno
In the latest issue of "GQ” magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. "GQ”? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in "Fortune” or "Money” magazine?
Al Gore was caught driving 75 miles an hour on the highway up in Oregon and cited for speeding. Well you know Al Gore, he’ll do anything to get his name on a ticket now….poor Al, he didn’t get paid because he didn’t get the pizza there on time. He lost out on that one too…bad day for Al.
Our USA team ended up winning 103 medals – although today, a group of Vietnam swift boat veterans came forward to say that our athletes really didn’t earn all their medals.
Good to see everybody. After watching the Olympics for two weeks, it’s nice to finally see some people in the stands….one guy out there.
As you know security was incredibly tight at the Olympics. And their biggest fear was that people might try to sneak in by impersonating the athletes. In fact, I think that’s what happened to our men’s basketball team.
Perhaps the biggest disappointment at the games – U.S. men’s basketball team won only a bronze medal. But to their credit, they played like pros – okay, like the Clippers, but still pros.
Iraq lost the soccer match and the Iraqi fans went nuts. The Iraqi fans threw beer bottles and cursed at the referees. Well it didn’t take them long to get the hang of the American way of life.
You know what country had a disappointing performance – Mexico. Well sure, all their fastest runners came here years ago.
You know who I feel sorry for? That Brazilian guy. That was really unfair. Did you see that crazy guy who disrupted the marathon? He ran out, grabbed the Brazilian runner, turns out he’s a defrocked priest. That’s true. And because he’s an ex-priest he didn’t get jail time, they just transferred him to another marathon.
It’s so strange seeing a priest grabbing someone over the age of 13. I was surprised to see that happened.
Tonight in New York City, the Republicans began their convention in the traditional way - with a prayer . . . for more money.
A lot of Republicans arrived at the convention in swift boats, or as they call them, yachts.
Here’s a big surprise in the latest polls – it now seems Ralph Nader is now in the double digits. There’s something like 12 people who say they’ll vote for him.
Today Ralph Nader was in Las Vegas where he denounced gambling. Later he’s coming to L.A. To criticize breast implants. Find your audience.
Good news today for Florida, they’ve just selected the observers who will work on Election Day to make sure the votes are counted fairly. The bad news, it’s the Olympic gymnastic judges.
Have you heard about this? There’s a new thing called alcohol without liquid. It’s a machine that combines booze with oxygen to create an alcohol mist that you just inhale. Well this is perfect for airline pilots, no more fumbling with those little bottles, now that mask can just fall down mid-flight.
Here’s a strange thing in the "Wall Street Journal” today, Toys ‘R Us has announced that they may sell their toy division. So what are they going to call the company now? "We Was Toys”.
Letterman
The U.S. Olympic team won over 100 medals in Athens. I believe the only person to get more gold this year was Kobe Bryant’s wife.
The Republican National Convention is in town. There’s a lot of protesters here. It feels just like the 60’s. The air is just full of that aroma of tear gas and weed.
If you’re a delegate and going to the convention you’re going to get frisked, patted down, groped – and that’s just by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
In the latest issue of "GQ” magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. "GQ”? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in "Fortune” or "Money” magazine?
Al Gore was caught driving 75 miles an hour on the highway up in Oregon and cited for speeding. Well you know Al Gore, he’ll do anything to get his name on a ticket now….poor Al, he didn’t get paid because he didn’t get the pizza there on time. He lost out on that one too…bad day for Al.
Our USA team ended up winning 103 medals – although today, a group of Vietnam swift boat veterans came forward to say that our athletes really didn’t earn all their medals.
Good to see everybody. After watching the Olympics for two weeks, it’s nice to finally see some people in the stands….one guy out there.
As you know security was incredibly tight at the Olympics. And their biggest fear was that people might try to sneak in by impersonating the athletes. In fact, I think that’s what happened to our men’s basketball team.
Perhaps the biggest disappointment at the games – U.S. men’s basketball team won only a bronze medal. But to their credit, they played like pros – okay, like the Clippers, but still pros.
Iraq lost the soccer match and the Iraqi fans went nuts. The Iraqi fans threw beer bottles and cursed at the referees. Well it didn’t take them long to get the hang of the American way of life.
You know what country had a disappointing performance – Mexico. Well sure, all their fastest runners came here years ago.
You know who I feel sorry for? That Brazilian guy. That was really unfair. Did you see that crazy guy who disrupted the marathon? He ran out, grabbed the Brazilian runner, turns out he’s a defrocked priest. That’s true. And because he’s an ex-priest he didn’t get jail time, they just transferred him to another marathon.
It’s so strange seeing a priest grabbing someone over the age of 13. I was surprised to see that happened.
Tonight in New York City, the Republicans began their convention in the traditional way - with a prayer . . . for more money.
A lot of Republicans arrived at the convention in swift boats, or as they call them, yachts.
Here’s a big surprise in the latest polls – it now seems Ralph Nader is now in the double digits. There’s something like 12 people who say they’ll vote for him.
Today Ralph Nader was in Las Vegas where he denounced gambling. Later he’s coming to L.A. To criticize breast implants. Find your audience.
Good news today for Florida, they’ve just selected the observers who will work on Election Day to make sure the votes are counted fairly. The bad news, it’s the Olympic gymnastic judges.
Have you heard about this? There’s a new thing called alcohol without liquid. It’s a machine that combines booze with oxygen to create an alcohol mist that you just inhale. Well this is perfect for airline pilots, no more fumbling with those little bottles, now that mask can just fall down mid-flight.
Here’s a strange thing in the "Wall Street Journal” today, Toys ‘R Us has announced that they may sell their toy division. So what are they going to call the company now? "We Was Toys”.
Letterman
The U.S. Olympic team won over 100 medals in Athens. I believe the only person to get more gold this year was Kobe Bryant’s wife.
The Republican National Convention is in town. There’s a lot of protesters here. It feels just like the 60’s. The air is just full of that aroma of tear gas and weed.
If you’re a delegate and going to the convention you’re going to get frisked, patted down, groped – and that’s just by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
