Saturday, July 24, 2004
Leno
Sandy Berger has stepped down as John Kerry’s foreign policy advisor. I guess the Kerry people started to notice office supplies missing.
Sandy Berger is now under investigation for making notes on highly classified anti terror documents and sneaking them out of the national archives and taking them out by stuffing them down his pants. What is it about these Clinton people always being investigated for something in their pants? Why is that?
Well there are the two big stories are about celebrities — Arnold Schwarzenegger and Martha Stewart. One is having problems in Sacramento with girly men, the other is going to prison with manly girls.
Martha Stewart said she’s writing the book about her trial to help others who find themselves in the same situation. She said it will have guidelines to help them through the process. Excuse me, but wasn’t she found guilty? Who’s going to buy a book on getting through the court system by someone who was convicted? You know who should be writing this book? O.J.! O.J. should be writing this book.
You know Martha Stewart’s empire is said to be worth a billion dollars. Or as John Kerry calls her, "The one that got away”.
In an interview with ESPN magazine, John Kerry says he learned about life from playing sports...Of course, the most frustrating thing about playing sports for John Kerry - finding a helmet that fits.
Four inmates at a prison in Rogersville, Tennessee are being accused of sneaking out of the prison buying beer and then coming back in. They didn’t escape; they snuck out, bought beer and then snuck back in. You know that’s not a prison, okay, that’s a dormitory.
Krispy Kreme has announced they are coming out with a drinkable version of their famous glazed donut. And you wonder why Americans are fat!
Who is this for — people who want the health benefits of donuts without having to waste all that energy chewing.
A toddler in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia has been found with two hearts. Two hearts. This is what happens when you get a good deal on a house near Chernobyl!
It’s now being reporter that Michael Jackson is about to become the father of quadruplets. That’s four babies. You thought it was bad when Michael was on the hotel balcony dangling a baby, now he’s going to be juggling them.
Letterman
It’s hot outside. Days like this I’m glad that I have an icy disposition.
It’s so hot today that Martha Stewart is actually looking forward to the cooler.
The summer blockbusters are coming out. "Catwoman” is coming out. Here’s the plot of "Catwoman”, the villain tries to lure Catwoman into a trap with the sound of an electric can opener.
The United States is trying to block research on marijuana for medicinal purposes. This is according to scientists – if you consider Willie Nelson a scientist.
Conan
Michael Jackson is in the news again. "Us Weekly” reports that Michael Jackson and a surrogate mother are having quadruplets. They think Michael is having quadruplets because he’s adding four new balconies to his house.
Sandy Berger has stepped down as John Kerry’s foreign policy advisor. I guess the Kerry people started to notice office supplies missing.
Sandy Berger is now under investigation for making notes on highly classified anti terror documents and sneaking them out of the national archives and taking them out by stuffing them down his pants. What is it about these Clinton people always being investigated for something in their pants? Why is that?
Well there are the two big stories are about celebrities — Arnold Schwarzenegger and Martha Stewart. One is having problems in Sacramento with girly men, the other is going to prison with manly girls.
Martha Stewart said she’s writing the book about her trial to help others who find themselves in the same situation. She said it will have guidelines to help them through the process. Excuse me, but wasn’t she found guilty? Who’s going to buy a book on getting through the court system by someone who was convicted? You know who should be writing this book? O.J.! O.J. should be writing this book.
You know Martha Stewart’s empire is said to be worth a billion dollars. Or as John Kerry calls her, "The one that got away”.
In an interview with ESPN magazine, John Kerry says he learned about life from playing sports...Of course, the most frustrating thing about playing sports for John Kerry - finding a helmet that fits.
Four inmates at a prison in Rogersville, Tennessee are being accused of sneaking out of the prison buying beer and then coming back in. They didn’t escape; they snuck out, bought beer and then snuck back in. You know that’s not a prison, okay, that’s a dormitory.
Krispy Kreme has announced they are coming out with a drinkable version of their famous glazed donut. And you wonder why Americans are fat!
Who is this for — people who want the health benefits of donuts without having to waste all that energy chewing.
A toddler in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia has been found with two hearts. Two hearts. This is what happens when you get a good deal on a house near Chernobyl!
It’s now being reporter that Michael Jackson is about to become the father of quadruplets. That’s four babies. You thought it was bad when Michael was on the hotel balcony dangling a baby, now he’s going to be juggling them.
Letterman
It’s hot outside. Days like this I’m glad that I have an icy disposition.
It’s so hot today that Martha Stewart is actually looking forward to the cooler.
The summer blockbusters are coming out. "Catwoman” is coming out. Here’s the plot of "Catwoman”, the villain tries to lure Catwoman into a trap with the sound of an electric can opener.
The United States is trying to block research on marijuana for medicinal purposes. This is according to scientists – if you consider Willie Nelson a scientist.
Conan
Michael Jackson is in the news again. "Us Weekly” reports that Michael Jackson and a surrogate mother are having quadruplets. They think Michael is having quadruplets because he’s adding four new balconies to his house.
