Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Leno
The Kerry Campaign said that Kerry will show his "softer” side for the convention. We’ve already seen him and John Edwards fondling each other. How much softer than that can you get? What’s next? The two of them spooning now?
In "ESPN” magazine, John Kerry said he’s learned a lot about life from playing sports. He had to fight! Yeah like so many other kids in impoverished areas who turn to polo as a way out.
And Linda Rondstadt just signed to do a new movie. It’s called, "Leaving Las Vegas.” You don’t want to miss that.
More problems for the Aladdin Hotel. Did you hear about this today? Last night they threw a stripper out of one of its hotel rooms for dedicating a lap dance to Michael Moore.
Sandy Berger who was President Clinton’s National Security Advisor and also an advisor to Senator Kerry is now under criminal investigation for putting classified documents into his pants and sneaking them out of the national archives. Well, thank God his pants never fell into enemy hands.
Yesterday at the Atlanta Airport a guy walked through a security door and drove a baggage cart onto the runway wearing nothing but pajama bottoms. Here’s my favorite part of the story – they became suspicious after he was unable to produce I.D. Really? That’s the only thing that got them suspicious. A guy driving a baggage cart with just pajama bottoms, hello! Maybe he left them in his other pajama bottoms.
In New Jersey, an Amtrak train was delayed for 90 minutes yesterday after police found a note in a restroom that said, "You’re all sitting ducks”. Turns out it wasn’t a threat, it was just Amtrak’s new slogan.
More problems, it seems the Los Alamos national laboratory - where they research nuclear weapons - reported that they are missing two computer discs with sensitive weapons information. How does this happen? You can’t even steal a pair of underpants from T.J. Maxx without the alarm going off. Can’t we get that technology at the lab?
A woman in South Africa is suing her doctor after her buttock implants exploded...talk about a doctor doing a half-assed job.
That is the problem with getting expensive implants – she could have gotten the same effect naturally with some Krispy Kreme donuts.
Krispy Kreme announced they are coming out with a liquid version of their famous glazed donut. Did that used to be called "syrup”?
What’s next - a McDonald’s Big Mac in an I.V.? You just stick it right into your vein and pass out?
New photos from NASA’s Cassini spacecraft reveal that Saturn’s rings are pink and grey. Scientist say this could be the first all gay planet.
"Catwoman” opened today. It’s about … who cares what it’s about. You have Halle Berry in a leather outfit a whip. That’s what it’s about.
I don’t understand when Catwoman has time to fight crime? My cat sleeps 23 and half hours a day.
"USA Today” said that a lot of couples who get married are doing away with the phrase "till death do us part” and replacing it with phrases like, "for as long as we continue to love each other”, "for all the days to come”, and the least popular, "till one of us starts getting really, really, really fat.”
The Kerry Campaign said that Kerry will show his "softer” side for the convention. We’ve already seen him and John Edwards fondling each other. How much softer than that can you get? What’s next? The two of them spooning now?
In "ESPN” magazine, John Kerry said he’s learned a lot about life from playing sports. He had to fight! Yeah like so many other kids in impoverished areas who turn to polo as a way out.
And Linda Rondstadt just signed to do a new movie. It’s called, "Leaving Las Vegas.” You don’t want to miss that.
More problems for the Aladdin Hotel. Did you hear about this today? Last night they threw a stripper out of one of its hotel rooms for dedicating a lap dance to Michael Moore.
Sandy Berger who was President Clinton’s National Security Advisor and also an advisor to Senator Kerry is now under criminal investigation for putting classified documents into his pants and sneaking them out of the national archives. Well, thank God his pants never fell into enemy hands.
Yesterday at the Atlanta Airport a guy walked through a security door and drove a baggage cart onto the runway wearing nothing but pajama bottoms. Here’s my favorite part of the story – they became suspicious after he was unable to produce I.D. Really? That’s the only thing that got them suspicious. A guy driving a baggage cart with just pajama bottoms, hello! Maybe he left them in his other pajama bottoms.
In New Jersey, an Amtrak train was delayed for 90 minutes yesterday after police found a note in a restroom that said, "You’re all sitting ducks”. Turns out it wasn’t a threat, it was just Amtrak’s new slogan.
More problems, it seems the Los Alamos national laboratory - where they research nuclear weapons - reported that they are missing two computer discs with sensitive weapons information. How does this happen? You can’t even steal a pair of underpants from T.J. Maxx without the alarm going off. Can’t we get that technology at the lab?
A woman in South Africa is suing her doctor after her buttock implants exploded...talk about a doctor doing a half-assed job.
That is the problem with getting expensive implants – she could have gotten the same effect naturally with some Krispy Kreme donuts.
Krispy Kreme announced they are coming out with a liquid version of their famous glazed donut. Did that used to be called "syrup”?
What’s next - a McDonald’s Big Mac in an I.V.? You just stick it right into your vein and pass out?
New photos from NASA’s Cassini spacecraft reveal that Saturn’s rings are pink and grey. Scientist say this could be the first all gay planet.
"Catwoman” opened today. It’s about … who cares what it’s about. You have Halle Berry in a leather outfit a whip. That’s what it’s about.
I don’t understand when Catwoman has time to fight crime? My cat sleeps 23 and half hours a day.
"USA Today” said that a lot of couples who get married are doing away with the phrase "till death do us part” and replacing it with phrases like, "for as long as we continue to love each other”, "for all the days to come”, and the least popular, "till one of us starts getting really, really, really fat.”
