Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Leno
John Kerry threw out the first ball before last night’s Yankees-Red Sox game in Boston. You probably saw that. In fact, Kerry asked "Where do you want me on the field? I can take any position.”
The Democrats opened their convention in Boston. I can’t wait to find out who they’re going to nominate. It’s so exciting!
John Kerry decided on the new party slogan, "The Democratic Party - love it or shove it”.
Teresa Heinz Kerry, Kerry’s wife, got mad at a reporter, told a reporter to "shove it”. It’s a shame how the one America talks to the other America. I wish these two Americas could just get together and iron out their differences.
This has not been a good year for political quotes. When I was a kid, I remember John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” And those were great quotes. What do we have this year? We had "Shove it”, "girlie men”, and Dick Cheney saying "go f yourself.”
Congratulations to Lance Armstrong! Won his 6th Tour de France! President Bush phoned lance immediately after his win. Which was a surprise. Not that Bush called him. That he was able to get past the French operator without hanging up on him. "This is President Bush. Click. Hello, hello…it’s President Bush.”
I guess Bush asked lance if he would be back next year. Lance didn’t know. Bush said "I know how you feel.”
Actually both Bush and Kerry said they were very impressed by Lance’s accomplishments. Well sure, neither one of them have been able to stay on a bike all year. They go 50 feet, bonk! "Hey how does he do it?”
Here’s something I couldn’t believe. You know who’s in Boston to cover the convention. Al Jazeera, the Arab news network. Al Jazeera is being allowed in to cover the convention. Boy, how’d you like to be the guy in line behind the Al Jazeera crew when they go through security. "You gonna be much longer?!”
Actually, Boston is the perfect city for the Democrats. The Democrats are just like the Red Sox. They’re optimistic in the spring, concerned in the summer and ready to choke in the fall.
CNN announced that Bush’s missing National Guard records have been found! Here’s the amazing thing - you know where they found ‘em? Inside former National Security Adviser Sandy Berger’s pants!
As you know the 9/11 commission report came out yesterday. It’s 575 pages. President Bush said today he was surprised to find out it was a true story.
In beer news, Molson of Canada and Coors have announced they’re going to merge. And next week Schlitz is buying both companies to form a new beer company, "Schmoors.”
Letterman
It’s a bad time to be in New York City. All the hookers are up in Boston.
Remember when Saddam was found in a monkey hole a few months ago? He’s now being held in custody. Here’s how he spends his time. He writes poetry, he eats muffins, he water colors, and he does gardening – I think he’s had a queer makeover.
They say Saddam is demoralized and dejected…hey try a decade at CBS!
John Kerry threw out the first ball before last night’s Yankees-Red Sox game in Boston. You probably saw that. In fact, Kerry asked "Where do you want me on the field? I can take any position.”
The Democrats opened their convention in Boston. I can’t wait to find out who they’re going to nominate. It’s so exciting!
John Kerry decided on the new party slogan, "The Democratic Party - love it or shove it”.
Teresa Heinz Kerry, Kerry’s wife, got mad at a reporter, told a reporter to "shove it”. It’s a shame how the one America talks to the other America. I wish these two Americas could just get together and iron out their differences.
This has not been a good year for political quotes. When I was a kid, I remember John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” And those were great quotes. What do we have this year? We had "Shove it”, "girlie men”, and Dick Cheney saying "go f yourself.”
Congratulations to Lance Armstrong! Won his 6th Tour de France! President Bush phoned lance immediately after his win. Which was a surprise. Not that Bush called him. That he was able to get past the French operator without hanging up on him. "This is President Bush. Click. Hello, hello…it’s President Bush.”
I guess Bush asked lance if he would be back next year. Lance didn’t know. Bush said "I know how you feel.”
Actually both Bush and Kerry said they were very impressed by Lance’s accomplishments. Well sure, neither one of them have been able to stay on a bike all year. They go 50 feet, bonk! "Hey how does he do it?”
Here’s something I couldn’t believe. You know who’s in Boston to cover the convention. Al Jazeera, the Arab news network. Al Jazeera is being allowed in to cover the convention. Boy, how’d you like to be the guy in line behind the Al Jazeera crew when they go through security. "You gonna be much longer?!”
Actually, Boston is the perfect city for the Democrats. The Democrats are just like the Red Sox. They’re optimistic in the spring, concerned in the summer and ready to choke in the fall.
CNN announced that Bush’s missing National Guard records have been found! Here’s the amazing thing - you know where they found ‘em? Inside former National Security Adviser Sandy Berger’s pants!
As you know the 9/11 commission report came out yesterday. It’s 575 pages. President Bush said today he was surprised to find out it was a true story.
In beer news, Molson of Canada and Coors have announced they’re going to merge. And next week Schlitz is buying both companies to form a new beer company, "Schmoors.”
Letterman
It’s a bad time to be in New York City. All the hookers are up in Boston.
Remember when Saddam was found in a monkey hole a few months ago? He’s now being held in custody. Here’s how he spends his time. He writes poetry, he eats muffins, he water colors, and he does gardening – I think he’s had a queer makeover.
They say Saddam is demoralized and dejected…hey try a decade at CBS!
