Saturday, July 17, 2004
Leno
John Kerry spoke to NAACP today. And you know you could tell he was pandering, he said the first thing he would do as president was give a full pardon to Whoopie Goldberg.
John Kerry talked about how there were two Americas. He said he knew there were two Americas because every night he has to drive through one America on his way home every night to his America.
Senator John Edwards made his first solo campaign appearance since he was added to the ticket yesterday in Iowa. Apparently, it went so well that Edwards is now thinking of dropping Kerry from the ticket.
Today John Edwards said that Dick Cheney is out of touch with the lives of most Americans. Cheney immediately denied the charge, from his underground bunker in an undisclosed location.
Welcome for coming out on such a hot day. What was it, 102 today? This is like God’s reality show, "Are you hot?”
It was so hot today, John Edwards was using John Kerry’s head for shade.
I was sweatin’ like Jack Nicholson waiting to hear Kobe’s decision.
Did you hear Kobe is staying? Staying with the Lakers?! He decided to stay with the Lakers out of loyalty. You can understand why – the last time he wasn’t loyal to someone, it cost him $4 million bucks in jewelry.
I guess you know this, it’s officially a done deal. Shaquille O’Neal is officially a member of the Miami Heat. It’s going to be strange seeing him missing free throws for Miami instead of the Lakers.
Here’s the amazing thing - the Lakers haven’t yet broken the news about Shaq leaving to Karl Malone’s yet. They figure, at Malone’s age, hearing the news could kill him!
There’s talk that VP Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican ticket. There’s a good move. Lose the smart guy.
The Bush twin daughters have joined the Bush campaign. It was announced their Secret Service codenames are "Twinkle” and "Turquoise”. Who thought these up? Are those the best names for the president’s daughters? What are they strippers now? Those are awful names.
In an interview on "The Today Show”, our First Lady Laura Bush said she told her daughters when they’re out on the campaign trail to stand up straight and keep the hair out of their eyes. The same thing John Kerry told John Edwards.
Ralph Nader also made a solo campaign appearance today. Except in Ralph’s case it meant that he was there by himself.
It looks like Howard Dean will be speaking at the Democratic Convention on the first night. I guess they’re going to use him to test the sound system. If he doesn’t blow it out it’ll be okay.
Letterman
The keynote speakers for the Democratic Convention have been announced. There’s Al Gore, Dick Gephardt and Joe Lieberman. Side effects may include boredom, sleepiness and sexual dysfunction.
New York City at this time of the year is full of foreigners asking for directions. There is nothing more annoying…and most of them are cab drivers.
Here at the "Late Show” we have just been nominated for five Emmy Awards. (applause) Thank you very much. It’s quite an honor to be nominated since we quit trying five years ago.
We’re in an odd category. We’re up against the Reagan funeral and Saddam Hussein’s flea inspection.>
John Kerry spoke to NAACP today. And you know you could tell he was pandering, he said the first thing he would do as president was give a full pardon to Whoopie Goldberg.
John Kerry talked about how there were two Americas. He said he knew there were two Americas because every night he has to drive through one America on his way home every night to his America.
Senator John Edwards made his first solo campaign appearance since he was added to the ticket yesterday in Iowa. Apparently, it went so well that Edwards is now thinking of dropping Kerry from the ticket.
Today John Edwards said that Dick Cheney is out of touch with the lives of most Americans. Cheney immediately denied the charge, from his underground bunker in an undisclosed location.
Welcome for coming out on such a hot day. What was it, 102 today? This is like God’s reality show, "Are you hot?”
It was so hot today, John Edwards was using John Kerry’s head for shade.
I was sweatin’ like Jack Nicholson waiting to hear Kobe’s decision.
Did you hear Kobe is staying? Staying with the Lakers?! He decided to stay with the Lakers out of loyalty. You can understand why – the last time he wasn’t loyal to someone, it cost him $4 million bucks in jewelry.
I guess you know this, it’s officially a done deal. Shaquille O’Neal is officially a member of the Miami Heat. It’s going to be strange seeing him missing free throws for Miami instead of the Lakers.
Here’s the amazing thing - the Lakers haven’t yet broken the news about Shaq leaving to Karl Malone’s yet. They figure, at Malone’s age, hearing the news could kill him!
There’s talk that VP Dick Cheney may be dropped from the Republican ticket. There’s a good move. Lose the smart guy.
The Bush twin daughters have joined the Bush campaign. It was announced their Secret Service codenames are "Twinkle” and "Turquoise”. Who thought these up? Are those the best names for the president’s daughters? What are they strippers now? Those are awful names.
In an interview on "The Today Show”, our First Lady Laura Bush said she told her daughters when they’re out on the campaign trail to stand up straight and keep the hair out of their eyes. The same thing John Kerry told John Edwards.
Ralph Nader also made a solo campaign appearance today. Except in Ralph’s case it meant that he was there by himself.
It looks like Howard Dean will be speaking at the Democratic Convention on the first night. I guess they’re going to use him to test the sound system. If he doesn’t blow it out it’ll be okay.
Letterman
The keynote speakers for the Democratic Convention have been announced. There’s Al Gore, Dick Gephardt and Joe Lieberman. Side effects may include boredom, sleepiness and sexual dysfunction.
New York City at this time of the year is full of foreigners asking for directions. There is nothing more annoying…and most of them are cab drivers.
Here at the "Late Show” we have just been nominated for five Emmy Awards. (applause) Thank you very much. It’s quite an honor to be nominated since we quit trying five years ago.
We’re in an odd category. We’re up against the Reagan funeral and Saddam Hussein’s flea inspection.>
