Leno

Some undecided voters are saying they wish they could mix Bush and Kerry together. Oh that would be the perfect candidate, a boring guy who trips over his words.

Both sides are using every angle. Like they just released x-rays that show shrapnel still lodged in John Kerry’s leg from Vietnam, so the white house is fighting back. They're releasing x-rays of bits of pretzel lodged in the back of President Bush's throat.

According to the latest poll Bush and Kerry are tied at 49% and Nader is at 1%, and the margin of error of 3%. You know what that means? Nader is trailing the margin of error. The margin of error is 2 points ahead of Nader.

Tonight was the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. The litigator vs. the defibrillator!

They're calling it "the battle for the undisclosed location"!

Did you see Edwards and Dick Cheney together? It was like Mr. Wilson yelling at Dennis the Menace. "Get off my lawn!"

My question is, if Cheney’s debating, who's running the country? You don't think?

Talk about embarrassing. President Bush called Dick Cheney and told he may not be able to watch the debate because it's on opposite baseball.

Well folks, now that the first vice presidential debate, the candidates are now dead even. That's what they said in the paper today. And you can see it in their faces. Kerry's expression looks like he's dead and Bush looks like he wants to get even.

According to "New York Times”, the army is now lowering recruitment standards. Their old slogan was "Be all you can be." Have you heard their new slogan? "You'll do...get in the Humvee."

The Supreme Court began its new session yesterday. Did you see the picture of them? How old are these guys?! They make the cast of "60 Minutes" look like a boy band.

Happy birthday to the Reverend Al Sharpton. Celebrated his 50th birthday over the weekend. They had a huge party for him. The gifts were divided into two piles. Medallions and hair care products.

Lots of excitement about this year's baseball playoffs. And a lot of questions. Can the Yankees beat the Twins? Can the Cardinals beat the Dodgers? When exactly will the Red Sox choke?

Another major eruption today - but enough about Elton John.

Elton John went crazy on Madonna today. An expletive laced tirade directed at Madonna. He's accused her of lip-syncing her live performances. Called her all kinds of names. This is a tough time for Elton with the hot flashes, the mood swings.

Next month, Anheuser-Busch is going to be selling a "fruity smelling" beer called "B to the E" - that also has herbs in it. They have a perfect slogan for it "tastes great, really gay".

Letterman

Mount St. Helen’s is about to erupt. John Kerry is saying that this is more proof that President Bush is losing the war on volcanoes.

The vice presidential debate was tonight. Dick Cheney did well – he only flat-lined twice.

There’s some good news for John Edwards. If he doesn’t become vice president there’s an offer for him to host "Family Feud”.

I was with mom all day – she built a homemade rocket ship in the backyard.

On Friday Martha Stewart will go to prison. We’ll be a lot safer with her off the streets.

Martha is trying to get into the prison mindset. Like today at a gourmet market she tried to pay for her food with cigarettes.

Conan

The vice presidential debate was tonight. Experts say that Dick Cheney is at a disadvantage because he’s short, fat and unhealthy. Even worse was when the moderator introduced him as the white Reuben Stoddard.

Elton John and Madonna are in a feud. Elton John accused Madonna of cheating fans by lip synching at her concerts. Madonna then released a statement denying it. Turns out they’re both cranky due to entering menopause.