CBlountBlogs

2009-07-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

Limbaugh Blasts Obama's Reaction to Gates Arrest

Reacting to the escalating firestorm over President Barack Obama's comment that a much-decorated Massachusetts cop “acted stupidly” in arresting his friend Henry Louis Gates Jr., Rush Limbaugh blasted the president for mimicking the black supremacist thought of his longtime mentor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

Instead of dodging the question and staying above the fray, Obama provoked a firestorm when he criticized the police. In doing so, Limbaugh said, Obama fell back on the leftist teachers of Wright and early mentors during his years as a community organizer in Chicago.

“I think what we learned last night, ladies and gentlemen, is that President Obama did, after all, listen to Reverend Wright all those 20 years,” Limbaugh said on his show Thursday. “He says, ‘Yeah, I was a member of the church 20 years. I sat there and I didn't hear any of that.’ I think he heard it all. That question he got from Lynn Sweet of the Chicago Sun-Times, that's when he came alive. The rest of the press conference, he didn't even want to be there. He knew that they were in trouble, so he goes out there and tries to dazzle everybody with his professorial insight and capabilities and elegance and all that.

”But when that question about Henry Louis Gates and the arrest in his home came up, why, it was passion, excitement, animation, fire! He came alive. That question was, ‘Mr. President, recently professor Henry Louis Gates was arrested at his home in Cambridge. What does that incident say to you, and what does it say about race relations in America?’"

“A loaded question if I have heard one. This is a liberal idyllic panacea, Cambridge, Harvard. It's liberal everything. So now we've got racist cops profiling a distinguished Harvard professor — who to my eye, every time I see this guy on TV I see somebody enraged. I see somebody angry. He's a liberal, they all are.”

Limbaugh said the more likely scenario is that Gates had a "chip on his shoulder" and provoked the police officer.

“In the first place, what we now know is that Gates was not arrested sipping tea sitting on his sofa legally in his house. He followed the police out of the house screaming at them. How else would neighbors know he was belligerent? That's when he was arrested. He wasn't sitting in a couch sipping tea daintily. He was screaming at the cop there to help protect his property. I've also learned that Gates' house had a history of having been broken into. This is why the neighbor called. There are a lot of break-ins in this neighborhood recently. In fact, there was damage done to Gates' door.”

“So I've long thought that there's a chip on the shoulder here, and that there's a little anger out there at the country based on who his mentors, associates, all that were. Gates was not 'stopped.' This was not a profiling case. Let's review what happened. To the best of my knowledge, a neighbor sees Gates . . . A friend and driver of the car, in addition to Gates, tried to get in the house. Gates and one other person. And some neighbor said, ‘Whoa, what was that? That doesn't look right.’ They called the police. My first reaction would be to thank the neighbor for looking out for me. But I guarantee you the neighbor is also going to be, before this is all over, a racist. In Cambridge now. We're talking Harvard, Cambridge!”

Limbaugh found it implausible that police in the liberal community of Cambridge would treat a black elderly man with disrespect. He likened the escalating media uproar over the case to the one-sided coverage of the discredited rape of a stripper by members of the Duke lacrosse team.

“It may as well be Duke,” Limbaugh said. “May as well be the lacrosse team here. May as well be that dancer. Gates and a friend break in, and the cops show up, and apparently all hell breaks loose inside the house, handcuffs and so forth. Obama doesn't know what all happened — and we don't, either. There are five or six different versions of what went on in there. We still really don't know. Bill Cosby has come out today in Boston, and he can't believe the president would say what he said about this admitting he doesn't know all the facts. So Obama wasn't quite through. After taking this incident, where Gates was not stopped. He was not pulled over. The cops were called there by somebody in the neighborhood. This was not a profiling incident. “

Finally, Limbaugh pointed out that Obama, much like Gates, is hardly a victim. Both men are at the pinnacle of an elite establishment in the United States.

“He doesn't know the facts, he wasn't there, he pops off, just exactly as he would back in Chicago in the community organizing days. He goes off about racial profiling, all the rest,” Limbaugh said. “Based on what? A limited amount of information about a single incident where he's quick to condemn the cop, the whole police department, and white America. Mr. President, you are not a victim. You are, in fact, the president of the United States. You went to private school. You went to Ivy League schools. You are a millionaire. You have a charmed life. Congratulations. You're living the American dream. Stop pretending otherwise. If anybody behaved stupidly yesterday it was the president, in even taking the question.”

2009-07-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

Mass. Police Unions Ask Obama for Apology

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. -- A multiracial group of police officers on Friday stood with the white officer who arrested a prominent black Harvard scholar and asked President Barack Obama and Gov. Deval Patrick to apologize for comments the union leaders called insulting.

Obama said Wednesday that Cambridge police "acted stupidly" during the disorderly conduct arrest of his friend, Henry Louis Gates Jr., in his own home near Harvard University. Gov. Deval Patrick said Gates' arrest was "every black man's nightmare."

Dennis O'Connor, president of the Cambridge Police Superior Officers Association, said Obama's remarks were "misdirected" and the Cambridge police "deeply resent the implication" that race was a factor in the arrest.

"President Obama said the actions of the CPD were stupid and linked the event to the history of racial profiling in America," O'Connor said. "The facts of the case suggested that the president used the right adjective but directed it to the wrong party."

Officers responded to Gates' home on July 16 after a woman called 911 and said she saw two black men with backpacks trying to force open the front door. The woman, Lucia Whalen, has not responded to repeated attempts for comment.

Gates has said he returned from an overseas trip, found the door jammed, and that he and his driver attempted to force it open. Gates went through the back door and was inside the house on the phone with the property's management company when police arrived.

Police said he flew into a verbal rage after Sgt. James Crowley, who is white, asked him to show identification to prove he should be in the home. Police say Gates accused Crowley of racial bias, refused to calm down and was arrested. The charge was dropped Tuesday, but Gates has demanded an apology, calling his arrest a case of racial profiling.

Gates, 58, maintains he turned over identification when asked to do so by the police. He said Crowley arrested him after the professor followed him to the porch, repeatedly demanding the sergeant's name and badge number because he was unhappy over his treatment.

Crowley has refused to apologize, saying he followed protocol.

2009-07-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

Cop Tells Obama: I Didn't Vote for You and Won't Apologize

The police officer at the center of a national racial firestorm triggered by President Barack Obama told an interviewer Thursday that he had nothing to apologize for in the arrest of a black Harvard scholar, and that the president he didn’t vote for should have considered his words more carefully.

“The apology won’t come from me,” Sgt. James Crowley told Carl Stevens of WBZ News Radio in Boston. "I’ve done nothing wrong."

A well-regarded officer who is an expert on racial profiling, Crowley responded to a call at the Cambridge home of Henry Louis Gates Jr. last week to investigate a report of a burglary. Confronting Gates and another man who appeared to have forced open the door of the home, Crowley asked Gates to show him identification.

Gates initially refused and accused Crowley of racism. The professor, a close friend of Harvard alumnus Barack Obama, was charged with disorderly conduct. The charge was dropped Tuesday, and Gates has since demanded an apology from Crowley.

In a four-minute interview outside his home, Crowley revealed that:

Gates escalated the situation by yelling and refusing to calm down, calling Crowley a racist, and referring to his mother.

He was the police officer who tried to save the life of former Boston Celtics player Reggie Lewis, a black man, who collapsed and died during an off-season workout at Brandeis University. Crowley said he still is very shaken because of that event.

Crowley said he didn’t vote for Obama but supports the president 110 percent. He also suggested that the president was siding with his friend Gates, and he probably would have done the same in a similar situation.

Though he said he would do everything exactly the same way again, Crowley did express regret at the media attention and pressure the event has brought on his friends and family.

“I acted appropriately. Mr. Gates was given plenty of opportunity to stop what he was doing,” Crowley said. “He didn’t. He acted very irrational, and he controlled the outcome of that event.”

“There was a lot of yelling. There was references to my mother,” Crowley said. “Something you wouldn’t expect from anybody who should be grateful you’re there investigating the report of a crime in progress, let alone a Harvard University professor.”

The reporter then referred to the death of Lewis, explaining that he worked the scene that night when Crowley tried to save the player’s life.

“I was a police officer at Brandeis University at the time and I was responding to a medical call and had the unfortunate experience of trying to revive somebody who was probably already gone,” Crowley said. “It was very tough emotionally dealing with that as well.”

The reporter than asked him to respond to those who allege that he is a racist.

“It almost doesn’t warrant a comment. My friends, my family my colleagues — those people whose opinions mean the most to me — they know who I am, they know what I am and what I am not. It’s an unfortunate thing that the professor and other people even mentioned that.”

Asked what he thought of the president’s comments, Crowley immediately replied, “I didn’t vote for him,” and then smiled.

“When he said the Cambridge police acted stupidly, he was talking about you,” the interviewer said. “What was your reaction to that?

“My only reaction, somebody had told me what he said. I didn’t hear the press conference but I did listen afterwards and I support the president of the United States 110 percent. I think he’s way off base wading into a local issue without knowing all the facts as he himself stated before making that comment so again, I don’t know what to say about that. I guess a friend of mine would support my position too.”

Asked whether he is able to do his job, Crowley responded: “Sure. I absolutely will. This will not distract me from doing what it is I do. And if a similar call came in tomorrow, I wouldn’t shy away from responding and I’d do what I have to do.”

Asked whether he should have done anything differently, Crowley responded bluntly: “No.”

2009-07-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Obama Health Plan to Cover 12 Million Illegals

On Friday, Democrats moved one step closer to giving free health insurance to the nation’s estimated 12 million illegal aliens when they successfully defeated a Republican-backed amendment, offered by Rep. Dean Heller, R-Nev., that would have prevented illegal aliens from receiving government-subsidized health care under the proposed plan backed by House Democrats and President Barack Obama.

The House Ways and Means Committee nixed the Heller amendment by a 26-to-15 vote along straight party lines, and followed this action by passing the 1,018-page bill early Friday morning by a 23-to-18 margin, with three Democrats voting against the plan.

The Democratic plan will embrace Obama’s vision of bringing free government medical care to more than 45 million uninsured people in America – a significant portion of whom are illegal aliens.

According to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office, costs under the Obama plan being proposed by the House will saddle citizens with $1.04 trillion in new federal outlays over the next decade.

Congressional Democrats and Obama have argued that their health plan is necessary to contain rising health care costs.

But, last Thursday, CBO Director Douglas Elmendorf testified before the Senate Budget Committee and warned lawmakers that the proposed “legislation significantly expands the federal responsibility for health care costs."

A key factor increasing costs is that Democratic plan provides for blanket coverage to as much as 15 percent of the U.S. population not currently insured, including illegals.

Democrats had insisted throughout the health-care reform debate that illegals would be ineligible for the so-called public option plan that is to be subsidized by taxpayers.

"We're not going to cover undocumented aliens, undocumented workers," Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., the chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, told reporters in May. "That's too politically explosive."

Republicans, however, point out that the Democrats, by refusing to accept the Heller amendment, would deny health agencies from conducting simple database checks to verify citizenship. Many states give illegals driver licenses, which will be sufficient to get free health care under the plan.

Critics also contend that millions of illegals who already have counterfeit Social Security cards or other fraudulent documents. There is no enforcement mechanism in the legislation, experts say, to prevent illegals who use fake IDs to obtain jobs from also obtaining taxpayer-subsidized health insurance.

GOP representatives introduced the amendment to provide a way to weed out non-citizens from the program.

A description of the amendment on Heller's Web site state it would "better screen applicants for subsidized health care to ensure they are actually citizens or otherwise entitled to it."

The Web post added, "The underlying bill is insufficient for the purpose of preventing illegal aliens from accessing the bill’s proposed benefits, as it does not provide mechanisms allowing those administering the program to ensure illegal aliens cannot access taxpayer-funded subsidies and benefits."

The Heller amendment would have required that individuals applying for the public health care option would be subject to two systems used to verify immigration status already in use by the government: The Income and Eligibility Verification System (IEVS) and the Systematic Alien Verification for Entitlements (SAVE) program.

The two systems cross-reference Social Security numbers and employment information to establish whether an individual is a U.S. citizen.

Critics: Free Health Care Means More Illegals

A recent Rasmussen Reports poll found that an overwhelming 80 percent of Americans oppose covering illegals in any public health care bill.

Anti-immigration activists say the availability of low-cost benefits, including health insurance and in-state tuition, will only lure more immigrants to come to the United States.

Political analyst Dick Morris, in his recently released best-selling book “Catastrophe”, warns that giving illegal free health care will lead to a flood of new illegals who can take advantage of such a benefit not offered in their home countries.

William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration, agrees with that sentiment, writing, "Each state and federal elected official must know that illegal aliens should not be given licenses, in-state tuition, mortgages, bank accounts, welfare, or any other benefit short of emergency medical care and law enforcement accommodations before they are deported."

But a small fraction of illegals end up deported, as many make widespread use of fake IDs to easily gain access to government benefits programs.

"Experts suggest that approximately 75 percent of working-age illegal aliens use fraudulent Social Security cards to obtain employment," wrote Ronald W. Mortensen in a recent Center for Immigration Studies research paper. Mortensen says one of the big misconceptions about illegals is that they are undocumented.

James R. Edwards Jr., co-author of The Congressional Politics of Immigration Reform, recently wrote on National Review Online that "it's hard to envision how health reform can avoid tripping the immigration booby trap."

Edwards says none of the legislation under consideration actually requires any state, federal, or local agency to check the immigration status of those who apply for the program.

The assumption is that companies have vetted their employees to ensure they are eligibility for legal employment – a difficult task for employers given the active market in fraudulent documents. Thus Edwards maintains "some of the money distributed … inevitably would go to illegal aliens."

The estimates of illegal aliens in the United States without health insurance vary. The most commonly cited statistic, attributed to the Center for Immigration Statistics and the U.S. Census Bureau, holds that 15 percent to 22 percent of the nation's 46 million uninsured are illegal aliens. That would be between 6.9 million and 10.1 million people. During the 2008 presidential campaign, Obama claimed the nation United States has 12 million or more undocumented aliens.

John Sheils of the Lewin Group, a health care consulting firm owned by UnitedHealth Group, recently told National Public Radio that about 6.1 million illegals – about half of all illegals in the United States – lack documentation and therefore would not be legally eligible for benefits under the current health care reforms.

Sheils says the other half of the nation's illegals – 5 million to 6 million – use false documents to obtain on-the-books employment. Many of them are already insured under their employers' plans, he added.

"A lot of those people are getting employer health benefits as part of their compensation," Sheils told NPR.

Certainly, some contend that undocumented workers who are gainfully employed and receiving benefits such as health insurance are contributing to society. But the fact remains that, once equipped with a fake ID, a person in the United States illegally can obtain both a job and the benefits that go with it.

Estimates of the cost of providing illegals with medical care vary. Most uninsured illegals who need medical attention obtain it from hospital emergency rooms. And several states are already straining under the huge burden of paying for the health costs of illegal aliens.

According to the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), in 2004 California's estimated cost of unreimbursed medical care was $1.4 billion. Texas estimated its cost at $850 million annually, and Arizona at $400 million.

Non-border states shoulder heavy burdens as well. Virginia's annual cost of providing health care for undocumented workers is approximately $100 million per year, FAIR reports, while Florida's health care cost is about $300 million annually.

One of the ironies of the proposed legislation is that it would fine American citizens who opt not to purchase insurance coverage, but would exempt illegals from such fines. This is presumably due to the fact that they are not supposed to participate in the program anyway.

Even if no illegals were likely to benefit from health care reform, Democrats have made it clear that amnesty is the next item on their ambitious legislative agenda.

"I've got to do health care, I've got to do energy, and then I'm looking very closely at doing immigration," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., declared in June.

Reid explained the urgent need for amnesty in terms very similar to those that Democrats have used to press for health care reform. "We have an immigration system that's broken and needs repair," Reid said.

Immigration expert Edwards, for one, says health-care reform may itself need serious medical attention before it is healthy enough pass through Congress.

"The American people may soon realize how much health reform will benefit immigrants and cost the native-born," he writes. "When that happens, the volatile politics of immigration could derail universal health care."

2009-07-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

Support for Obama on Healthcare Slips Under 50%: Poll

WASHINGTON -- Public support for President Barack Obama's handling of healthcare reform, the pillar of his legislative agenda, has fallen below 50 percent for the first time, a Washington Post-ABC News poll released on Monday said.

Obama and his Democratic allies in Congress have run into stiff opposition this month as they try to pass legislation to restructure the $2.5 trillion U.S. healthcare industry through the creation of a government-run health insurance program.

Republicans and some fiscally conservative Democrats argue the plan, with an estimated cost of more than $1 trillion, could hurt small businesses, add to budget deficits and reduce the quality of medical care for many Americans.

Those concerns may be having an impact on the public, according to the poll, which showed 49 percent of respondents approving of Obama's stand on the issue compared to 57 percent in April.

Those saying they disapproved rose to 44 percent from 29 percent during the same period.

Obama and the White House have gone on the offensive to drum up support for the plan, which would compete with private insurers, provide cover to many of the 46 million uninsured and try to stem runaway medical costs.

With time running out to pass a bill in Congress this year, the battle is shaping up as a major test of Obama's presidency.

Delaying legislation until 2010, a congressional election year, could give Republicans and critics in the healthcare sector more time to galvanize opposition to the plan.

But Obama remains more trusted than Republicans in Congress to do a better job on healthcare reform, the poll showed, with 54 percent of respondents putting their faith in the U.S. leader versus 34 percent in favor of Republican lawmakers.

His overall approval rating also remains high at 59 percent despite some slippage in approval ratings for his handling of the economy, the federal budget deficit and other leading domestic issues, according to the poll.

It surveyed 1,001 adults randomly by telephone between July 15-18, 2009. The results from the full survey have a margin of error of plus/minus three percentage points.

2009-07-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

Hillary Apologizes to India for Global Warming

MUMBAI, India -- U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton opened a three-day visit to India on Saturday by urging India not to repeat American mistakes in contributing to global pollution, and she passionately defended U.S. demands for help in fighting terrorism.

"We acknowledge now with President Obama that we have made mistakes in the United States, and we along with other developed countries have contributed most significantly to the problem that we face with climate change," she said. "We are hoping a great country like India will not make the same mistakes."

She was referring to Obama's statement in Italy earlier this month that the U.S. had "sometimes fallen short" of its responsibilities in controlling its carbon emissions.

Speaking at a news conference on the pool side patio of the Taj Mahal Palace & Hotel, which was strewn with bodies after terrorists attacked this coastal city last November, she cast India and the United States as allies in the fight against terrorism.

"Yesterday's bombings in Jakarta, Indonesia, provide a painful reminder that the threat of such violent extremism is still very real. It is global. It is ruthless. It is nihilistic and it must be stopped," she said.

"We have a great sense of solidarity and sympathy, having gone through what we did on 9/11," she added.

Her voice rising, Clinton insisted that the U.S. demand for international action against terrorist should not be taken lightly.

"We know how important (it is). We are fighting wars to end the threat of terrorism against us, our friends and allies around the world." She said India can choose its own way of contributing but must be part of a broader effort to defeat the threat.

"We expect everyone" who shares the U.S. goal of a more stable world "to take strong action to prevent terrorism from taking root on their soil and making sure that terrorists are not trained and deployed" from their territory to carry out attacks elsewhere, she added.

Earlier, Clinton attended a ceremony commemorating the Mumbai attack, which killed 166 and raised tensions between nuclear rivals India and Pakistan. At the event were five staffers from the Oberoi Hotel and 10 from the Taj, including general manager Karambir Kang, who lost his wife and two children during the three-day siege.

The event was closed to reporters.

In a memorial book she wrote: "Americans share a solidarity with this city and nation. Both our people have experienced the senseless and searing effects of violent extremism. And both can be grateful and proud of the heroism of brave men and women whose courage saved lives and prevented greater harm on 26/11 and 9/11. Now it is up to all nations and people who seek peace and progress to work together. Let us rid the world of hatred and extremism that produces such nihilistic violence."

She also met with 10 Indian business leaders, including Mukesh Ambani, chairman of Reliance Industries, the largest privately held company in India.

Echoing remarks made by Ambani at the meeting, Clinton said that India should leapfrog the developed world to come up with its own innovative way to encourage environmentally friendly growth.

"Just as India went from a few years ago having very few mobile phones to now having more than 500 million mostly cell phones by leapfrogging over the infrastructure we built for telephone service, we believe India is innovative and entrepreneurial enough to figure out how to deal with climate change while continuing to lift people out of poverty and develop at a rapid rate," she said.

Seeking to assuage Indian concerns that the U.S. pressured India into making concessions to Pakistan despite that nation's failure to bring to justice the perpetrators of the Mumbai attack, Clinton emphasized that the U.S. respects India's sovereign right to make its own decisions.

"Discussion between India and Pakistan is between India and Pakistan," she said.

The visit marked a return to the world stage for Clinton, who has been slowed since mid-June by an arm injury that forced her to cancel plans to attend international meetings in Italy and Greece last month and to accompany President Barack Obama on his visit to Russia earlier this month.

Clinton is scheduled to hold talks Sunday and Monday in New Delhi with Indian government officials on a wide range of issues, including nuclear nonproliferation, strengthening trade ties and combatting climate change. She is to attend talks in Thailand later in the week with representatives of the Association of Southeast Asian Nations.

2009-07-18T01:34:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the moon landing considered by some to be mankind’s greatest achievement. Unless, of course, you count the time we put the cheese inside the pizza crust.

President Obama recently said that the best way to pay for his healthcare plan is to raise taxes on people like him. As a result, the government is raising taxes on all half-Kenyan presidents who were born in Hawaii.

Starbucks is reportedly adding alcohol to the menu at one of its stores. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people don’t pay eight bucks for a cup of coffee.”

Experts say the video game industry has been dramatically hurt by the economic downturn. Which explains the popularity of the new Nintendo game, “Wii Job Interview.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Dave's Mom Is Celebrating Her Birthday

10. Driving to area Denny's to get free birthday meals

9. Checking the Internet to see how much you spent on my gift

8. Helping my neighbor get a raccoon out of his attic

7. Online poker

6. Just read my Twitter page, it's all there

5. Relaxing outside with my pool boy, Ricky

4. Going to a "fire David Letterman" rally

3. Spend day fishing with Sarah Palin

2. I'm gonna watch the kid that replaced Leno

1. I wasted the entire day on this stupid Top Ten list

David Letterman

Disney Land is celebrating its opening in 1955. It’s going to be elegant. Rumors are that Donald Duck may actually be wearing pants.

Forty years ago, Apollo 11 left for the moon. I remember it — the whole thing was delayed because they had to go through Newark.

President Obama says he wants to put another man on the moon. He’s thinking about Joe Biden.

Craig Ferguson

The new Harry Potter movie is out. I checked — it’s made 1 gazillion dollars. Most of that’s from me.

The Harry Potter book are good — they get kids excited about reading instead of what I was doing as a kid: watching TV, robbing houses, stabbing people . . .

There’s only two more Harry Potter movies to go. They’re not going to stop there. There’ll be more. Harry Potter will have a TV show where he’s a middle-aged dude living on a boat, divorced, solving crime, and going to swingers clubs.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Newly elected Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been ratcheting up the anti-U.S. rhetoric lately. Yesterday he said, “Iran will strike you in the face so hard, you will lose your way home.” Which really sounds like a line from “The Bernie Mac Show.”

Bill Gates is busy trying to save the world. He’s working on a plan to fight and destroy hurricanes. Gates and some scientists have filed for a patent that would reduce the intensity of hurricanes. This is why you shouldn’t take on nerds in high school. One day you’re giving them wedgies, the next day they’re harnessing the power of hurricanes.

The plan includes a plane dropping the Windows operating system Vista into the eye of the hurricane, which would cause the hurricane to freeze and then crash unexpectedly.

Jimmy Fallon

A new study finds that children who play in the sand at the beach have an increased risk of getting sick, due to bird droppings, garbage, and sewage. So when you’re at the beach try to avoid the sand.

American Airlines at JFK airport has added a pet relief area where animals can relieve themselves before flying. It's called the Delta counter.

A new study from the National Center for Health finds that 86 percent of women get married by age 40. The other 14 percent get cats.

A GM dealership in Missouri is giving away AK-47s to customers who buy a pick-up truck in August. I guess they figure for that kind of money, you should get at least one reliable product.

2009-07-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Obama's Too Liberal, Unpopular

Rep. Dan Boren, D-Okla., became the first congressional Democrat on record to declare President Barack Obama a political liability, according to Politico.

One of the most conservative members of the Democratic Party, Boren gave what Politico described as a “scorching interview” with the Oklahoma Gazette this week -- saying the president isn't only "very unpopular" in his district but should be more centrist.

Like Bill Clinton.

“Barack Obama is very unpopular,” said Boren, who represents Oklahoma’s 2nd Congressional District. “He got 34 percent of the vote statewide, and less in our district. If he were to run for re-election today, I bet it would be even worse.”

Obama is simply too liberal, Boren said.

“It would be a lot nicer if we had someone who was in the middle,” he said. “Bill Clinton won our district. A lot of people don’t remember that, but he, in 1996, carried this district. I think if you have someone who governs from the middle, who’s pragmatic, who works with both parties. President Obama talks a lot about bipartisanship. If you look at some of the legislation, he may have one or two Republicans.”

2009-07-17T01:40:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Gov. Sanford is spending this week on vacation with his wife in order to improve their marriage. Apparently it’s not going well because Sanford keeps introducing his wife as “my wingman.”

CNN reports that Sen. John McCain has more than a million followers on Twitter. Apparently, every single one of McCain’s tweets says, “The nurse is stealing from me!”

The new Harry Potter film opened yesterday, and it earned a whopping $58 million in its first day. Producers are still marveling at the ability of Harry Potter fans to clear their social schedules on a Wednesday.

Earlier today at her confirmation hearings, Sonia Sotomayor said that judges gather information from everywhere — including Wikipedia. Which explains why she kept citing the landmark case Roe v. Wade Boggs.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Wizard Movie

10. Only potion he can make is instant coffee

9. It's set in the mystical fantasy land of Trenton

8. Uses his power to transform Times Square into pedestrian mall

7. "Capes" are actually Slankets — the blanket with sleeves!

6. His magic word is "meat"

5. He has the ability to render people queasy

4. Instead of broomsticks, they ride Dustbusters

3. They lose to the Knicks, 110-93 (oh, I'm sorry, that's a sign you're watching a bad Washington Wizards game)

2. Uses cloak of invisibility to sneak into "Bruno"

1. Five words: Harry Potter is Regis Philbin

David Letterman

Emmy nominations are out. I was nominated in an unusual category — Best Apology.

Bernie Madoff’s accountant got 105 years. When Bernie heard about the accountant getting less time than he did, he said, “Oh, that lucky stiff.”

But I thought this was sweet: Bernie called the guy and said, “Since you’re getting out ahead of me, can you look in on my wife Ruth when you get out?”

He’s in prison sweeping floors. And they get paid: 14 cents a day. Today, Bernie said to his cell mate, “I can double that for you.”

Craig Ferguson

Sad day for Amy Winehouse. She got divorced. She had problems settling the divorce. She and her husband had been fighting over the crack pipes.

Today is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon mission. Some people don’t believe there was a moon landing. There’s a technical name for these people — jerks.

The Russians actually sent a dog into space. They had to fire up a Frisbee first, but they did it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

California has no money. Our budget situation is a mess. So a state representative introduced a bill to legalize marijuana and he claims it will raise almost a billion and a half dollars a year in taxes. And another $3 billion in Cheetos sales.

They have a campaign: “Marijuana — the Weed That Works.”

Snoop Dogg alone could balance the budget.

Jimmy Fallon

Oprah Winfrey was No. 1 on the Forbes list of the Most Influential Women in Media. Oprah celebrated by buying Forbes.

A judge dismissed Donald Trump’s court case against an author who questioned Trump’s claim whether he was worth $3 billion dollars. This has been going on for a while. It took the judge a few months to comb-over the evidence.

After two years of marriage, Amy Winehouse got divorced this morning from her husband. The romance has been over for a while; toward the end there, they were sleeping in separate gutters.

2009-07-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sen. Sessions 'Cracks' Up Hearing With Cocaine Remark

WASHINGTON -- It's pretty certain that Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., didn't mean what he said.

He was talking to Wade Henderson, president of the Leadership Conference on Civil Rights, about scheduling a Senate Judiciary hearing on the disparity of the penalties for crack cocaine versus powder cocaine

Sessions said he and Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., had been talking about it. "Senator Leahy and I were talking during these hearings, we're going to do that crack cocaine thing you and I have talked about before," Sessions said.

The hearing room cracked up.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., looked over at Sessions. "Please rephrase it, Senator. Please rephrase," he said.

Sessions laughed along with the crowd. "I misspoke," he clarified. "We're going to reduce the burden of penalties in some of the crack cocaine cases and make them fair."

2009-07-16T01:44:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Sonia Sotomayor was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee and said that she "felt out of place" attending Princeton. Sotomayor said there were so many white males in Princeton that she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. He has cleared his schedule this week to go on a personal trip with his wife. Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he’s going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first.

Yesterday Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it “Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.”

Speaking of Harry Potter — the new Harry Potter film opened nationwide last night. Star Trek fans were especially excited because it’s the one night out of the year they get to look down on someone.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Bruce Willis Is Spending His Summer

10. If I were doing anything, why would I be wasting my time here?

9. I'm hosting several "fire David Letterman" rallys

8. I believe the technical term is "chillaxing"

7. I'll be kicking ass at the county fair with my 250 pound tomato

6. I'll be traveling to Argentina with Gov. Mark Sanford

5. I dropped my resume off at the Dairy Queen in Secaucus, so we'll see what happens

4. I'll be losing those last five pounds for bikini season

3. I will be in the front row at every Jonas Brothers concert, baby!

2. Beginning work on my latest action movie, "Die Hard 5: Die Harderest"

1. Agreeing to do a lame Top Ten list just so I can meet Paul McCartney

David Letterman

Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings going on . . . good news: The FDA just announced a new nondrowsy Orrin Hatch. And boy do we need it.

Her confidence is growing day to day. In fact, today, she showed up wearing the yellow jersey.

President Obama threw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. Because they were playing in St. Louis, in a National League park, he also had to bat.

I thought it was fascinating how the New York papers covered the event. The New York Times said that Obama threw a perfect strike. The Daily News said he threw a ball. The New York Post said that he was making out with Kate Hudson.

Craig Ferguson

Today is a day I wait for all year — Cow Appreciation Day. So I had a burger for dinner.

The Ukraine has banned the movie “Bruno.” They say it’s filled with nudity and gay sex . . . but there are some things they don’t like too.

Oprah again has topped Forbes’ list of most influential women in the media. Second place? Ryan Seacrest.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The latest Harry Potter movie opened last night at midnight. This weekend it goes head to head with “Bruno,” so make sure your kids into the right theatre.

Michael Jackson is still the biggest thing in the news today. His brother Tito says that he tried to have an intervention with Michael, but Michael’s staff shut him out of the house and even set up roadblocks to keep him out. But seriously, if Tito was your brother you’d do the same thing. Tito-proofing his house is probably the sanest thing Michael ever did.

Michael’s father Joe is talking about turning Michael’s kids into an act and taking them on tour . . . which they say is the best thing to do for kids mourning the death of their father. Letting Joe Jackson train another Jackson family singing group is like letting Michael Vick train another dog.

Jimmy Fallon

Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency he also opposed his own marriage.

Last night, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” set a box office record for midnight showings, making over 22 million dollars. It also set a record for the most 40-year-old guys wearing capes. Even Pope Benedict gave his blessing to the Harry Potter movie. The Vatican officially approved it. He gave it four stars, three Hail Marys, and an Our Father.

The Obama administration is considering replacing the color-coded terror alert system. They're not sure what with, but anything where you don't spend 10 minutes at the airport going, "Wait, is orange bad, or is orange good?”

2009-07-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

Health Bill Taxes Small Business, Mandates Coverage

House Democrats on Tuesday rolled out a far-reaching $1.5 trillion plan that for the first time would make health care a right and a responsibility for all Americans, with medical providers, employers and the wealthiest picking up most of the tab.

The federal government would be responsible for ensuring that every person, regardless of income or the state of their health, has access to an affordable insurance plan. Individuals and employers would have new obligations to get coverage, or face hefty penalties.

Health care overhaul is President Barack Obama's top domestic priority, and his goal is to slow rising costs and provide coverage to nearly 50 million uninsured Americans.

Democratic leaders said they would push the measure through committee and toward a vote in the full House by month's end, while the pace of activity quickened on the other side of the Capitol.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he wanted floor debate to begin a week from Monday. Other officials said that timetable was likely to slip. Even so, it underscored a renewed sense of urgency.

The House legislation unveiled by Speaker Nancy Pelosi and other Democrats would slow the growth of Medicare and Medicaid payments to medical providers. From big hospitals to solo physician practices, providers also would be held to account for quality care, not just ordering up tests and procedures. Insurance companies would be prohibited from denying coverage to the sick. The industry also would face stiff competition from a new government plan designed along the lines of Medicare.

The liberal-leaning plan lacked figures on total costs, but a House Democratic aide said the total bill would add up to about $1.5 trillion over 10 years. The aide spoke on condition of anonymity to discuss the private calculations. Most of the bill's costs come in the last five years after the 2012 presidential election.

The legislation calls for a 5.4 percent tax increase on individuals making more than $1 million a year, with a gradual tax beginning at $280,000 for individuals. Employers who don't provide coverage would be hit with a penalty equal to 8 percent of workers' wages with an exemption for small businesses. Individuals who decline an offer of affordable coverage would pay 2.5 percent of their incomes as a penalty, up to the average cost of a health insurance plan.

With Obama pressing Congress to act on health care this summer, House leaders want to move their bill quickly through three committees and to a floor vote before the August congressional recess. But a group of moderate and conservative Democrats has withheld support, and no Republican votes are expected.

The House bill seemed unlikely to win broad backing in the Senate, where the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee was expected to finish its version of the legislation Wednesday in what was looking to be a party-line vote. Another panel, the Senate Finance Committee, was striving to unveil a bill by the end of the week.

Standing before a banner that read "Quality Affordable Care for the Middle Class," Pelosi, D-Calif., called the moment "historic and transformative." The bill would provide "stability and peace of mind" by braking costs and guaranteeing coverage, she said.

"We are going to accomplish what many people felt wouldn't happen in our lifetime," said House Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Henry Waxman, D-Calif., one of the main sponsors. Obama, who issued a statement hailing the measure, plans to keep up the pressure on Congress by delivering remarks in the Rose Garden on Wednesday.

Speaking in Warren, Mich., where he was promoting new spending for community colleges, Obama anticipated a congressional confrontation over health care.

"There's going to be a major debate over the next three weeks," he said, deviating from his prepared text. "And don't be fooled by folks trying to scare you saying we can't change the health care system.We have no choice but to change the health care system because right now it's broken for too many Americans."

Separately, Obama spoke by telephone with Sen. Charles Grassley, the Iowa Republican viewed as critical to the fate of bipartisan negotiations in the Senate.

House Democrats said the income tax increase in their bill would apply only to the top 1.2 percent of households, those who earn about one-quarter of all income. The wealthiest 4 percent of small business owners would be among them. The tax would start at 1 percent for couples making $350,000 and individuals earning $280,000, ramp up to 1.5 percent above $500,000 of income, and jump to 5.4 percent for those earning above $1 million.

The tax would raise an estimated $544 billion over 10 years.

Business groups and the insurance industry immediately assailed the legislation. In a letter to lawmakers, major business organizations branded the 1,000-page bill a job-killer. Its coverage mandate would automatically raise the cost of hiring a new worker, they said.

"Exempting some micro-businesses will not prevent this provision from killing many jobs," the letter said. "Congress should allow market forces and employer autonomy to determine what benefits employers provide, rather than deciding by fiat."

The business groups also warned that the U.S. health care system could be damaged by adding a government-run insurance plan and a federal council that would make some decisions on benefits, as called for in the legislation. Thirty-one organizations signed the letter, including the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Business Roundtable representing top corporate CEOs and the National Retail Federation.

The House bill would change the way individuals and many employers get health insurance. It would set up a new national purchasing pool, called an exchange. The exchange would offer a menu of plans, with different levels of coverage. A government plan would be among the options, and the exchange would eventually be open to most employers. Insurers say that combination would drive many of them out of business since the public plan would be able to offer lower premiums to virtually all Americans.

But backers of a public plan — including Obama — say it would provide healthy competition for the insurance industry.

Under the House bill, the government would provide subsidies to make coverage more affordable for households with incomes up to four times the federal poverty level, or $88,000 for a family of four and $43,000 for an individual. Medicaid — the federal-state health program for the poor — would be expanded to individuals and families up to 133 percent of the poverty line. About 17 million people would remain uninsured — about 6 percent of the population — and half of them would be illegal immigrants.

The legislation also would improve the Medicare prescription drug benefit by gradually reducing a coverage gap known as the 'doughnut hole.'

The individual and employer coverage requirements would raise about $192 billion over 10 years, the Congressional Budget Office said.

Even before the bill was unveiled, the House Ways and Means Committee announced it would vote on the proposal beginning on Thursday. The panel is one of three that must act before the bill can go to the full House, probably later in the month.

Some House Democrats privately have expressed concern that they will be required to vote on higher taxes, only to learn later that the Senate does not intend to follow through with legislation of its own. That would leave rank-and-file House Democrats up for re-election next year in the uncomfortable position of having to explain their vote on a costly bill that never reached Obama's desk or became law.

2009-07-15T01:24:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday in Washington, President Obama was in the middle of giving a speech when his teleprompter fell to the floor and shattered. Meanwhile Joe Biden's teleprompter has been treated for exhaustion.

Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation hearings are well underway. Political experts say that if Republican senators attack Sonia Sotomayor too harshly, they could alienate Latino members of their own party. This may explain why Republicans opened every question with, “As a huge fan of Santana . . .”

More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor: Apparently, she’s a big New York Yankees Fan. This is good news for the Yankees because apparently they really need a strong lefty off the bench.

Former President George W. Bush released the final list of all the guests who stayed overnight at the White House when he was president. The most frequent visitor was someone known as “The Wiggles.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Sonia Sotomayor Is Getting Cocky

10. Addressed senators with "Whaddaya say, meat?"

9. Spent the entire hearing updating her Twitter page

8. Interrupted questioning to get fitted for her robe

7. Turned surprisingly hostile when told "No open containers"

6. Left early to tackle the case of Sotomayor v. Applebee's riblets

5. Started hitting on Clarence Thomas

4. Kept referring to Al Franken as "Church Lady"

3. Phoned in from All Star Game in St. Louis to see how the confirmation hearings were going

2. Only answers she gave were "Maybe," and "How the hell should I know?"

1. Took the day off to go salmon fishing with Sarah Palin

David Letterman

Swindler Bernie Madoff was moved to a prison down in Atlanta, so it will be harder for his wife Ruth to visit him. And I thought, “Well, finally . . . things are starting to go Bernie’s way.”

He’s in prison for swindling billions of dollars. He’s in prison for 150 years. When you go to the can, though, you get a job. His job is sweeping the prison floor. He makes 14 cents a d ay . . . think about it . . . 150 years, at 14 cents a day . . . That adds up.

Dick Cheney was vice president for eight years. Well, it turns out that he had a secret hit squad for al-Qaida . . . his own personal hit squad he set up with the CIA to assassinate al-Qaida members. Here’s who was on the team: Lee Marvin, Jim Brown, Telly Savalas, and Trini Lopez as Pedro.

The secret assassination squad was a tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney.

Craig Ferguson

Today is the greatest day ever — it’s National Nude Day.

No, it’s a great day because it’s Bastille Day. Bastille Day was the beginning of the French Revolution. It was a period of turmoil for France. Napoleon turned up as a hero for a while,, then he was kicked out. Then they decided they wanted him back so they put him on at 10 o’clock on NBC . . .

French revolutionaries heard there were political prisoners inside the Bastille, so they broke into the Bastille with a battering ram made of soft cheese. Much of my research is done on Wikipedia.

When they got inside, they found out there weren’t any political prisoners, just drunks, thieves, and sexual deviants — like the cast of “60 Minutes.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The death of Michael Jackson continues to be at the top of the news. He meant a lot to a lot of people. I mean, Sarah Palin quit her job because of it.

Now Sarah Palin and her husband are holed up in their igloo listening to “I Can’t Stop Loving You” over and over again.

Both his sister, Latoya Jackson, and his father, Joe Jackson, think Michael was murdered. At the top of their list of suspects? Joe and Latoya Jackson.

There are all sorts of crazy rumors going around about Michael Jackson. One of them is that his brain is someplace other than with the rest of his body. I don’t know who has it, but I do find it a little suspicious that Donald Trump is suddenly able to moonwalk.

Jimmy Fallon

President Obama attended the All-Star Game in St. Louis today. He was there to give a 10-run bailout to whoever was losing in the ninth inning.

Sarah Palin’s friends say they are worried about her — she looks frail and her hair is thinning. But it’s all part of her plan to run for president in 2012 as John McCain.

Democrats want an investigation into a secret CIA program that was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. It was so secret that Cheney could tell you about it, but then he’d have to take you hunting.

President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered during a speech about the economy yesterday. Even speeches about the economy are crashing. That’s bad.

2009-07-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

Murtha Scandals Widen to Include Florida Projects

The defense appropriations scandal surrounding Democratic Rep. John Murtha is widening.

Prosecutors are revealing more details about an $8 million Air Force project in Florida earmarked by the Pennsyvania congressman, who chairs the House Appropriations Defense subcommittee, The Washington Post reports.

The project at Pensacola Air Force base was supposed to research new battlefield technologies, and Murtha pushed millions of taxpayer dollars into the program to hire defense contractors.

But the project collapsed when federal investigators discovered that money ended up in the hands of companies tied to Murtha. Several defense contractors were paid for work they didn’t do or wasn’t supposed to be done.

This isn’t Murtha’s first brush with scandal related to his earmarks.

Newsmax has reported several other instances. On June 3, for example, Newsmax ran a story that Murtha evidently transferred $8.2 million in a tsunami relief bill to a military equipment company that was a client of his brother's lobbying firm.

And Newsmax reported June 5 that Murtha steered millions of dollars in defense work to a campaign donor, and the Pentagon went along with it, despite the fact that two convicted drug dealers had been deeply involved with the company.

As for the Pensacola case, the feds have left out one crucial element, The Post reports: Murtha’s brother Robert. A few of the companies involved hired his lobbying firm, KSA Consulting.

But now one of KSA’s former clients has promised to spill the beans as to what crimes he saw committed on the project. That’s Richard Ianierie, former chief executive of Coherent Systems International.

His business experienced strong growth after hiring KSA. Now he’s expected to plead guilty for taking kickbacks and producing false bills.

So far, there’s no proof that either of the Murthas knew about the companies’ misdeeds. But it sure smells funny.

Beltway heavies of all political stripes are blasting Murtha for his behavior.

He “has become the poster child for everything that is wrong with the earmarking process,” the American Issues Project writes on its web site.

“He uses his seniority and position on the Appropriations Committee to secure earmarks which he then passes on to companies he has personal relationships with.”

2009-07-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor got underway. Critics of Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. This morning she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay T-shirt and carrying a yoga mat.

People in New York are especially excited about Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, “Shut Up v. No, YOU Shut Up.”

President Obama has another nominee in the news — his nomination for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patient drives his house to you.

California lawmakers are still trying to close the state’s massive budget deficit, so they’re now talking about saving money by consolidating state agencies. By far the most controversial proposal is for a “Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

10. Was going to make it public, but then I remembered I'm an evil bastard

9. It was so secret, I didn't even tell myself about it

8. Uh oh, chest pains — gotta go!

7. Wasn't me — I was judging a water ski exhibition in Orlando

6. Hellooo — everything I do is illegal

5. Spy program? I thought it was a pie program

4. No habla Ingles

3. I can't willfully violate the Constitution and the rights of every American citizen — what is this, Russia?

2. Dude, bros before hos

1. If I announced every evil thing I did, I wouldn't have time to shoot old guys in the face

David Letterman

Hot today. So hot, Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference.

There’s a new bin Laden tape. They’re sure it’s new because in it he says that he doesn’t think “Bruno” is as funny as “Borat.”

They found out that Dick Cheney, while he was vice president, had a thing going with the CIA. He went to them and said, “This will be just between you and me. We’re going to run our own antiterrorism program. Don’t tell Congress . . .” Eight years this was going on. When I heard this I said to myself, “Gosh — that doesn’t sound like the Dick Cheney I know.”

No one knew anything about Cheney's secret plan. It was called “Operation Hunting Accident.”

Craig Ferguson

The movie “Bruno” was the No. 1 movie over the weekend. Gay groups are up in arms saying it reinforces the stereotypes of gay people . . . that they are always pushing the boundaries of fashion . . . they’re friendly . . . they’re in great shape . . . what a bastard you are Bruno!

The “Bruno” movie is a joke. Comedians say jokes that upset people. That’s the way it is. That’s why I always make fun of the Amish. No TV!

Even Elton John said the movie was OK. That should be good enough — he’s the king of gay-sylvania . . . or should I say queen . . .

Jimmy Fallon

Sarah Palin said that when she leaves the governor’s office, she is open to campaigning for some Democrats. So that’s great news . . . for Republicans.

Joe Biden’s wife Jill is having surgery today to relieve pain in her shoulder. Apparently, it’s a repetitive stress injury from elbowing Joe every time he says something stupid.

This weekend several people were seriously injured during the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Turns out unleashing angry bulls onto a crowded city street is dangerous.

Bernie Madoff said he will not appeal his 150-year prison sentence. He just wants to do the time and then get on with his life as a 221-year-old.

2009-07-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Americans Reject Stimulus, Don't Want Another

The stimulus isn't working, and Americans don't want another – that’s the finding of a new IBD/TIPP Poll. So why is Congress mulling a second stimulus when the first has so obviously failed?

The poll found that 53 percent of Americans believe the $787 billion stimulus plan passed in February was "not effective" in "getting the economy going in the right direction." Just 43 percent said it was. Respondents were even more emphatic — 54 percent to 39 percent — in rejecting the second stimulus the White House and congressional Democrats are mulling.

Republicans were least impressed by the first stimulus, with fully 81 percent saying it hasn't worked. Independents turned thumbs down 55 percent to 43 percent. Democrats, by 64 percent to 31 percent, say the stimulus is working — yet, strangely, think another is needed (60 percent to 40 percent). Both sides of this debate can't be right. But so far there's little factual evidence or data to suggest the stimulus has done much of anything.

On Tuesday, President Obama himself said he expected unemployment to rise for "several months" — a far cry from the fast turnaround the White House promised if the stimulus passed.

Meantime, we've reached a dubious milestone: The U.S. budget deficit, swollen with pork barrel and stimulus spending, just crossed the $1 trillion mark — and the year's not over yet.

So while we have very little economic activity to show for all the stimulus and bailout money spent, we'll have a massive debt hanging over our collective heads for decades to come.

The stimulus was supposed to keep unemployment under 8 percent and "create or save" 3.5 million jobs by the end of 2010. With joblessness now at 9.5 percent, White House economic adviser Christina Romer on Tuesday admitted there was no way to tell how many jobs were created or saved. Stimulus, it seems, is faith-based economics.

With 2.5 million jobs lost since the start of the year, you'd think a new course of action would be under discussion. Instead, Democrats talk about a "second stimulus," apparently oblivious to the failure of the first.

In addition, the Democrat-controlled House has passed a 5.4 percent surtax on "millionaires" to fund health care. It's really an entrepreneur tax. This would be on top of the higher taxes the Democrats want on those with incomes over $250,000 and small businesses — the very engines of growth responsible for 80% of our new jobs.

Hasn't anyone noticed that despite a 20 percent jump in spending over the last year, tax revenues have plunged 18 percent — largely because many of the "millionaires" Congress is going after are going broke?

So are the rest of us. Web site E-forecasting.com estimates the U.S. has lost over $108 billion in real GDP since the stimulus began.

Our poll and others show a deepening disgust with radical policies that have resulted in out-of-control spending, over-the-top debt, looming tax hikes and an ever-tightening grip on the private economy. Anything, in other words, but economic growth.

2009-07-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Obama Waste Prevention Site Wastes $18 Million

The Obama administration is wasting $18 million to fix a Web site whose original purpose was just that -- to stop wasteful spending, congressional Republicans say.

The much-touted Recovery.gov Web site was created shortly after President Obama signed the $787 billion stimulus into law on Feb. 17.

The administration's decision to spend another $18 million to fix a Web site that's less than five months old touched off a strident response from House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio.

"This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard," Boehner told reporters. "They took stimulus money to actually create this Web site. It doesn't work very well, and now they want $18 million more money to redo their Web site -- to track how this wasteful spending is being wasted.

"Now listen," Boehner continued, "this is another waste of money. This is what Americans just get infuriated about."

In a final aside, Boehner muttered, "At least the money didn't go to ACORN."

Sources say stimulus funds paid for the initial cost of building the Web site. It remains unclear how much it cost originally.

Late last week, the General Services Administration announced it would spend another $18 million to redesign that Web site.

Some $9.5 million will be paid through January 2010, and if all options in the contract are exercised through 2014, the work would ultimately be worth $17.9 million to Smartronix, the politically connected Maryland firm that won the contract.

Critics say the current Recovery.gov site is ineffective.

"Despite assurances from the Obama administration that stimulus spending would be fully transparent, the system for tracking stimulus spending is fractured, redundant, and disorganized," Cincinnati Enquirer reporter Gregory Korte recently reported.

Users can't use the site to determine how much stimulus money has been spent so far in a given region, Korte said.

The Recovery.gov Web site was heralded by the administration as an innovative, high-tech way to provide transparency. The president and others assured voters it would ensure mountains of stimulus cash were spent wisely.

Recovery.gov seemed star-crossed almost from the beginning, however.

During his address to Congress earlier this year, President Obama spoke about the importance of protecting the credibility of the stimulus plan by tracking spending.

"And that's why I've asked Vice President Biden to lead a tough, unprecedented oversight effort, because nobody messes with Joe," Obama said.

That line that drew peals of laughter and a standing ovation. But the next day, Biden was unaware of the Web site's address during an appearance on CBS's The Early Show.

"You know, I'm embarrassed," Biden said, when asked to provide the Web site address. "I should have it in front of me and I don't. I'm actually embarrassed."

A moment later an aide prompted Biden with the information, which he provided.

Hearing the objectives for the site, following its $18 million overhaul, may give voters a sense of déjà vu.

GSA Commissioner James A. Williams says the site will "use innovative and interactive technologies to help taxpayers see where their dollars are being spent."

He added, "Armed with easy access to this information, taxpayers can make government more accountable for its decisions."

2009-07-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

Director Panetta Nixed CIA Plan to Kill al-Qaida Targets

WASHINGTON -- The Central Intelligence Agency had a secret plan to capture or kill Al-Qaeda operatives but it was terminated by new CIA Director Leon Panetta, The Wall Street Journal said late Sunday.

Citing unnamed former intelligence officials familiar with the matter, the newspaper said the precise nature of the highly classified effort remained unclear, and the CIA would not comment on its substance.

According to current and former government officials, the agency spent money on planning and possibly some training of its operatives for the mission, the report said.

It was acting on a 2001 presidential legal finding, which authorized the CIA to pursue such efforts. But the initiative had not become fully operational at the time Panetta ended it.

Citing three unnamed former intelligence officials, The Journal said that in 2001, the CIA also examined the subject of targeted assassinations of Al-Qaeda leaders. But those discussions tapered off within six months.

Neither Panetta nor members of Congress provided details, said the Journal, adding that he quashed the CIA effort after learning about it on June 23.

Meanwhile, Representative Pete Hoekstra, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, said little money had been spent on the project — closer to one million dollars than 50 million.

"The idea for this kind of program was tossed around in fits and starts," The Journal quoted Hoekstra as saying.

The New York Times reported on its Web site Saturday that former vice president Dick Cheney had ordered the CIA to withhold information about a secret counterterrorism program from Congress for eight years.

Panetta, who ended the program when he learned of its existence, revealed Cheney's role in a closed briefing to the Senate and House intelligence committees, the paper said, without specifying the nature of the program.

2009-07-11T01:36:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Big day for the president — earlier today in Vatican City, President Obama had a historic meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. Or, as Fox News is reporting it, “Obama caught with old man in dress.”

This is a big deal though — President Obama had a private 35-minute meeting at the Vatican with Pope Benedict. That’s right, the man considered by millions of followers to be infallible had a meeting with Pope Benedict.

Today, many newspapers around the country featured a picture from Italy where it appears President Obama is checking out a woman’s rear-end. Which is surprising because usually the only ass Obama has to keep his eye on is Joe Biden.

Of course, the president’s in Africa now. CNN’s Anderson Cooper landed an exclusive interview with President Obama in Ghana. So now Obama’s challenge will be to somehow pick Anderson Cooper out of a crowd of Africans.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Staying At The Same Hotel As Osama Bin Laden

10. He's registered under the name Osama bin Johnson

9. Sign on the door reads: do not disturb, infidel pig dog

8. The predator drone circling above the pool bar

7. Clumps of camel hair in the jacuzzi

6. Guy in the room next door keeps shouting, "Death to overpriced minibar snacks!"

5. Maid leaves a chocolate-covered goat's eye on your pillow

4. Main ballroom is booked for the 9th Annual Jihaddy Awards

3. You get on an empty elevator, but all the buttons are pushed and that's so bin Laden

2. You overhear concierge say, "We don't offer turndown service for your turban"

1. George W. Bush can't find the hotel

David Letterman

Bernie Madoff going away for 150 years. His wife, Ruth, was left with 2 ½ million dollars. The confiscated everything. She lost her house, her car, her savings . . . it’s like being a Bernie Madoff client.

Frightening times with all these crazy dictators. But they’re all small, really. Kim Jong Il? Tiny guy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Tiny guy. Mayor Bloomberg? Tiny guy.

Over the weekend, North Korea test-fired several missiles — their way of say, “Iran’s not the craziest country, we are.”

2009-07-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

Stimulus Is a Costly 'Flop'

Republicans lined up Sunday in opposition to a second economic stimulus package, a rare demonstration of unity from an out-of-power political party in search of a rallying cry against President Barack Obama.

Republicans called Obama's $787 billion spending plan a "flop" and said it hasn't fulfilled its hype. They criticized the White House for increasing the federal deficit and doing little to combat an unemployment rate that hit 9.5 percent in June.

"The reality is it hasn't helped yet," said Sen. Jon Kyl, R-Ariz. "Only about 6.8 percent of the money has actually been spent. What I proposed is, after you complete the contracts that are already committed, the things that are in the pipeline, stop it."

Obama has urged patience with his spending program, which administration officials acknowledge was designed with incorrect or incomplete economic data. On Saturday, Obama used his weekly radio and Internet address to tell Americans they should let the plan move forward before denouncing it.

Republicans, though, were not willing to sit by idly.

"I do think it is fair to say that the stimulus is a flop," said Rep. Eric Cantor, R-Va. "The goal that was set when we passed it was unemployment wouldn't rise past 8.5 percent, and what we see now is businesses just aren't hiring. Even the best projections have us losing 750,000 more jobs this year."

Congress passed Obama's economic stimulus plan over the objection of out-of-power Republican lawmakers. Since then, GOP aides on Capitol Hill and officials alike have seized on the spending's shortcomings and unfilled promises.

"A lot of it has been spent on ridiculous projects," said Sen. John McCain, the Arizona Republican who was his party's presidential nominee last year.

Obama's allies defended the spending they helped usher into law.

"It's a two-year plan and we're four months into it," said Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill.

Some, including billionaire Warren Buffet, have called for a second round of spending to steady the economy. Obama and his allies have said it's too early to make that decision; his critics, though, pledged to redouble their opposition to any second spending bill.

"I think that would be the biggest mistake we could ever make," McCain said.

Kyl and Durbin appeared on ABC's "This Week." Cantor spoke with "Fox News Sunday." McCain was interviewed on NBC's "Meet the Press."

2009-07-10T01:39:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

I’ve got the latest news on Sarah Palin — the latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul “too coherent.”

Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, “Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”

The economy still struggling . . . the latest figures show that because of the bad economy, homelessness in the suburbs is increasing. So the next time you hear something rustling around in your trash, it could be one of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

This week in Moscow, President Obama and President Medvedev agreed to cut the United States’ and Russia’s nuclear stockpiles by a third. They also agreed to cut Medvedev’s name by a “dev.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons To See The New Movie "Bruno" Presented By Bruno

10. It's like "Transformers" but not as gay

9. Features lots of suggestive words like "bratwurst" and "schnitzel"

8. I'm sorry, I got distracted by how delicious I look

7. If you ask nicely, the guys behind the candy counter will rub the chemical butter all uber your buttocks

6. Don't you want to see a crazy gay Austrian who isn't the governor of California?

5. It's rated "F" for fabulous

4. I do a lot of this (Bruno strikes a pose)

3. Harry Potter isn't the only movie character who's good with his wand

2. Bruno is a flamboyantly gay entertainer who makes people uncomfortable . . . like David Letterman

1. Hello? I'm in it

David Letterman

Sarah Palin is no longer the governor of Alaska. It looks like she may get her own TV program. And I was thinking, “I don’t know . . . she seems pretty camera shy . . .”

Here’s what I would say to her: “If you get a TV show, you gotta be careful with what you say on the air. You could get yourself into a lot of trouble. Be careful.”

Bernie Madoff, the guy who stole like $140 billion, is in prison, but his wife, Ruth had like $80 million that she said was her own money. They didn’t buy it. They left her with $2.5 million. I hope the poor dear can make it.

Now she’s looking for an apartment in the $400,000 range. Here in New York City that’ll get her a place just a little bit smaller than where her husband is.

Craig Ferguson

There’s a new study that says over the course of a lifetime, the average woman spends a year of her life deciding what to wear. Some women spend a lot more time than that. Cher has a 10,000-square-foot dressing room in Las Vegas. Every night she spends hours trying stuff on — noses, ears . . . she’s like Mr. Potato Head.

They say that women get dressed up to impress other women. I think that’s true because no guy ever turned a woman down because her shoes didn’t match her earrings.

Guys work differently. It’s basically the smell test: You pick it up, and if doesn’t smell that bad — put it on.

2009-07-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

Economic Woes Drive GOP Recruitment Up

Economic woes always provide opportunities for the party out of power to make headway in the next election. And that’s no different this time around as Republicans gird up for 2010 races.

The Republican Party is having its best luck attracting strong candidates in years, as GOP politicians see enhanced chances for victory, The Hill reports.

A stubborn recession, near collapse of the financial system, volatile financial markets, unemployment at 9.5 percent and a fiscal stimulus package struggling to gain traction don’t exactly provide the strongest platform for Democrats.

The GOP scored two recruiting coups this week, as New Hampshire Attorney General Kelly Ayotte and Rep. Mark Kirk, R-Ill, entered high-profile Senate races in their states.

And just as Republicans are sticking their hats in the political ring, many Democrats are withdrawing.

Two strong potential Senate candidates have stepped out of their races: Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan and Rep. Stephanie Herseth Sandlin of South Dakota.

In Illinois, Kirk’s announcement came just after Madigan’s decision to withdraw. She would have been a strong favorite for the Senate seat formerly held by President Obama.

The White House, including Obama himself, leaned on Madigan hard to run, but she decided to seek reelection as attorney general instead.

The sinking popularity of Obama and the Democrats is encouraging Republicans.

“They’re getting candidates, and the polling numbers seem to be changing — not so much that it’s pro-Republican as it is anti-Democrat,” Atlanta-based Republican consultant David Johnson tells The Hill.

“It could change, but it’s beginning to feel a lot like 2006 and 2008 did for the Democrats.”

The Republican momentum comes squarely from the economic mess. That is the focus of the new candidates.

Republicans already sitting in Congress are working hard against a second fiscal stimulus package.

“All of this talk of a second stimulus bill, I think, is an admission on the part of the administration that their stimulus plan is not working,” House Minority Leader John Boehner told reporters.

2009-07-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down, and now we’re at 17.

Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can’t wait to start reading Palin’s memoirs and then quit half way through.

Sen. John McCain says he’s been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year’s Major League Baseball All-Star game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he’s been “Twittering” on his garage door opener.

President Obama arrived in Italy this morning to attend the G-8 Summit, and he praised the Italians for being our “great allies.” He went on to say, “Except, of course, for anytime we’ve ever been to war.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today In Prison

10. Has it been 150 years yet?

9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?

8. Which way to the penthouse cell?

7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?

6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?

5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?

4. I'd like the truffle-crusted halibut

3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools' prank that just got out of control?

2. Will someone TiVo "America's Got Talent" for me for the next 149 years?

1. Is it OK if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?

David Letterman

Bernie Madoff is in prison for 150 years. He has hired a prison consultant . . . I believe it's Martha Stewart.

Good news for his wife, Ruth Madoff. They returned her passport. Earlier today, she flew off to Argentina with Gov. Sanford.

How about Kim Jong Il? Shooting off missiles and scaring everybody . . . he made a rare appearance today. Here's what happened: He saw the shadow of his hair and went back in his hole.

People who watch him said he looked ill and haggard. In fact, a headline read, "Kim Jong Il, Ill."

Craig Ferguson

It's a very sad day in America — Oscar Meyer passed away at the age of 95. He'll be buried later this week in sauerkraut and mustard.

Los Angeles has declared war on marijuana dispensaries, where you get medical marijuana for medical reasons . . . glaucoma, tunnel vision . . . strangely, half of Los Angeles is suffering from the scourge of tunnel vision.

It's an epidemic here. It's worse than Botox or lying about your age.

You have to get a prescription from your doctor, which is not difficult in this town. M.D. stands for "marijuana dude."

2009-07-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

NY Rep. Peter King Stands by Michael Jackson 'Pervert' Video

NEW YORK -- A New York congressman who posted a YouTube video blasting Michael Jackson as a "pervert" and child molester is standing by his words.

In an interview that aired Wednesday on Fox News Channel's "The O'Reilly Factor," Rep. Peter King denied that there was anything racist in his remarks.

The Long Island Republican told host Bill O'Reilly that he "was saying what millions of Americans really felt."

In a 2003 documentary, Jackson admitted to letting children sleep with him in his bed at his California home but said it wasn't sexual. In 2005, a jury acquitted Jackson of charges that he molested a 13-year-old cancer survivor.

King is among the possible Republican contenders for the seat held by Democratic Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand.

2009-07-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

It’s an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America’s most entertaining figures who left us all too soon. But don’t worry folks, Sarah Palin will be back.

Sen. John McCain was reportedly surprised by Sarah Palin’s resignation as governor of Alaska. McCain was also surprised to find that television now comes in color.

Today in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow’s New economic school. The title of his speech was “Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles?”

Yesterday President Obama met with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev; this morning he met with Prime Minister Vladimir Putin; and then this afternoon he met with former President Mikhail Gorbachev. At the end of each meeting Obama would twist the Russian leader at this waist, then the next slightly smaller leader would pop out.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Messages On Sarah Palin's Answering Machine

10. "Hi, It's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"

9. "It's John McCain . . . why did I call?"

8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"

7. "I'm calling from GEICO to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"

6. "It's Letterman — we still cool?"

5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"

4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"

3. "Hi, it's Sarah . . . oops . . . dialed my own number"

2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"

1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did?"

David Letterman

Bernie Madoff hired a prison consultant to learn how to live in the can. His first piece of advice was, "Bernie, try not to look so smokin' hot."

Bernie's wife says she has about $ 90 million. But she says it's not from swindling — it's money she saved by properly inflating her tires.

They said, "Ruth we don't believe you," and they left her with about $2.5 million." Poor Ruth. Bernie called her today and said, "Look, Ruth . . . I can double your money . . ."

If everything goes right, he'll be in prison for the next 150 years. He has 149 years, 11 months, 23 days, 10 hours, 22 minutes, and 35 seconds left. When you look at it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.

Craig Ferguson

It's an end of an era. Michael Jackson was the biggest star in the world for years. I remember when I first heard the "Thriller" video. I don't remember where the bar was, but it was 1983 so it's a safe bet I was in a bar.

Everyone was anxious to see it on MTV. This was when MTV played music videos. Not like now — it's like "surprise a skank with a camera."

The "Thriller" video answered the age-old question, Can zombies dance? The answer is, Yes they can!

I saw Michael Jackson in concert at Wembley Stadium in London. There were 70,000 English people there — about 300 teeth and 70,000 English people.

2009-07-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

GOP May Have the Last Laugh on Sen. Al Franken

Whether Al Franken emerges as a godsend for Democrats or their worst political nightmare may depend on how well the merry prankster can reign in his rapier wit, and maintain the low profile expected of the Senate's most junior member.

Pundits tell Newsmax it won't be easy. Franken is an obvious lightning rod for the right’s righteous wrath, thanks in large measure to the many dubious firsts he brings to the Senate.

Franken is the only senator to joke about helping terrorists assassinate a U.S. president, to openly marvel that his cocaine habit hadn’t led to addiction, and the only salon who angrily drops F-bombs during campaign fundraisers.

He is also the only senator to laud the era of Internet communications as an “exciting time for pornographers.”

Franken's infinitesimal victory margin following a controversial recount has aroused the GOP base, and strategists expect GOP leaders will attempt to make Franken the poster child of the 111th Congress.

“The Republicans will get a celebrity target for fundraising and other purposes,” Dr. Larry J. Sabato, the director of the University of Virginia’s Center for Politics, tells Newsmax.

Sabato adds Franken could do Democrats more harm than good if he doesn’t control his tongue.

“The key here is whether Franken reverts to form and says controversial things once in the Senate, or whether he can discipline himself to assume a low profile,” Sabato says. “If it’s the former, the GOP may do better than having the actual Senate seat, because Franken is so well known and his comments will generate the kind of controversy that usually helps the other party.”

Among the incidents that don't bode well on Franken's resume:

Angry Al – Franken has a penchant for occasionally going ballistic. He won't be the only senator exhibiting that ugly trait, but it raises the question of whether he has the right temperament to serve in the Senate.

Respected Minnesota political veteran Dean Barkley, who founded Minnesota’s Reform Party and served briefly in the U.S. Senate, saw Franken up close and personal during the campaign. Barkley ran as a third-party candidate against Franken and Coleman, and participated in the debates. What he saw made him nervous.

“Franken concerns me a little because he seems so partisan and angry,” Barkley tells Newsmax. “These are two traits that do not play well in the Senate.”

Franken has pounded desks during interviews, loosed profane tirades, and engaged in shouting matches with rivals. Any of those behaviors will be viewed as dreadful breaches of decorum in the U. S. Senate, and could backfire on Democrats.

“Al Franken is a funny man driven by anger,” conservative Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform, tells Newsmax. “In politics the angry side comes out more often than the funny side. Voters tire of angry.”

Bye-Bye Bipartisanship – Although Franken says he will emulate Hillary Clinton's low key approach to the Senate, he instantly complicates Obama's aspiration for a less partisan Beltway bureaucracy. Franken's history of partisan broadsides could make it harder to find the consensus Obama seeks.

“I don’t know if we’ve ever had an opponent who is so disliked by Republicans as Al Franken,” Minnesota GOP Party Chair Ron Carey told Politico.com.

Whether Franken can effectively operate on a stage where decorum reigns supreme is an open question.

Franken’s Annoying Friends – Democrats who chaff at the notion that their party is the darling of Hollywood’s rich and pampered probably hope Franken asks his celeb friends to stay away from Capitol Hill. Franken’s famous supporters during the campaign included Rosie O’Donnell, talk host Bill Maher, Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, George Clooney, Ed Norton, the late liberal patriarch Paul Newman, producer Larry David, and cartoonist Garry Trudeau -- not to mention billionaire George Soros. It's not exactly a crowd in step with mainstream America.

In fact, Michael Brodkorb of MinnesotaDemocratsExposed.com told Fox News host Bill O’Reilly several months ago that so much of Franken’s campaign money came from Hollywood it raised the question “whether California will be gaining a third Senate seat.”

Franken may have to downplay his glitzy friendships to be accepted by Senate colleagues, but he’ll also have valuable connections to offer Democrats who need help winning elections.

Franken’s Mouthy Satire – In June, Franken’s campaign suffered a near-fatal blow when an article he wrote for Playboy Magazine titled “Porn-O-Rama!” surfaced. In it, Franken stated that Internet pornography had been a “terrific learning tool” for his 12-year-old son.

For perhaps the first time in his life, Franken in the Senate will be expected to set an example, rather than just mock the examples set by others. As perhaps the Senate’s most famous face, virtually everything he does and says will be echoed in the mainstream media.

His Serious Hypocrisy – People watch senators very carefully to see if they practice what they preach. “Do As I Say (Not As I Do)” author Peter Schweizer revealed that of the 112 staffers Franken had hired over the years, only one was African-American. Franken was so annoyed by that revelation that he threatened to sue. Now Franken will be under near-constant scrutiny, and if he chaffs at it his famous temper may erupt.

Frankly Bizarre Behavior – The Democrat reportedly used cocaine during his “Saturday Night Live” Days, and once spoke of being “in a manic high.” In 2004, he was caught joking on camera that he should have signaled "al-Qaida friends of mine" on how to assassinate President Bush. At the 2003 White House Correspondents’ Dinner, he shouted to Assistant Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz: “Clinton’s military did pretty well in Iraq, huh?” Also, Franken once appeared on the “Today” program with Matt Lauer to discuss his fantasy of assassinating Saddam Hussein, and impregnating actress Anne Heche with a cloned embryo of himself. In Congress, Franken will have to learn that while entertainers can dismiss off-color remarks as satire, U.S. senators cannot.

His Vitriol Runneth Over – To conform to Senate decorum, Franken will have to overcome his penchant for getting personal. Senators avoid the acrimonious personal attacks that Franken appears to relish.

For example, Franken said of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, who was an aide to Attorney General Ed Meese during the Reagan era: “Being a racist and a sexist was a good calling card for the Reagan administration.”

That crack led to demands that Franken apologize to Alito and former first lady Nancy Reagan. Also, Franken once called presidential adviser Karl Rove “human filth” and former Bush administration spokesman Ari Fleischer a “chimp.”

Such a penchant for bitter personal attacks will be no laughing matter for Democrats, should Franken join the Senate.

Some pundits predict Franken will manage the Beltway fishbowl by becoming Mister Serious, and avoiding humor and sarcasm altogether.

Whether Franken can successfully tone himself down, however, remains to be seen.

“Al Franken is a clown and a buffoon, but he’ll quickly become old news as the junior senator from the Gopher State,” predicts Tobe Berkovitz, a Boston University communications professor who has served as a campaign consultant for many prominent Democrats.

The one consistent thing about Franken is his unpredictability.

“If he reverts to the obnoxious character Al Franken, circa ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and ruffles the feathers of the leadership of the Senate,” warns Berkovitz, “he will quickly become the poster boy for the Democrats run amuck and will be hammered by his colleagues, the Republicans, and most of the main-stream media.”

Or as Sabato puts it, “We’ll all find out together whether he can stop being so acerbic and grow into the office. No doubt, Democrats hope that will be the case.”

So if Franken behaves badly in the Senate, Senate Democrats may discover that the last laugh is on them.

2009-07-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

President Obama is taking a historic trip — He's in Russia. Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska.

Over the weekend, Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Republicans aren’t sure who is going to fill her role in the party, but they are in talks with several of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

In her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the count was unanimous. Ladies and gentlemen, even her children thought she was in over her head.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford returned to work today after spending a holiday weekend in Florida with his wife and children. Or as Sanford called the weekend, “a total waste of time.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Spoken By A Giant Robot Presented By Optimus Prime

10. "Jergens Lotion leaves my hands silky smooth"

9. "Do you have these khakis in a size 114?"

8. "My perfect night involves a pint of Haagen-Dazs and season three of 'Sex and the City'"

7. "Man, do I love me some 'taters"

6. "It was so hot in Central Park today, I saw a squirrel rubbing sunblock on his nuts"

5. "You seemed a little pitchy, dawg"

4. "Brody Jenner has added you as a friend on Facebook"

3. "Live from New York . . . it's 'Saturday Night Live'"

2. "My parents wanted me to be a rabbi"

1. "All the slammin' shorties in the house say 'Yeah!'"

David Letterman

I took my mother to see fireworks on the Fourth of July. Every time a big one went off, she screamed, "It's North Korea! It's North Korea!"

What's Kim Jong Il's deal? Over the weekend they launched seven missiles. Vice president Joe Biden said they're just trying to get attention. Well, that should calm things down.

President Obama is in Russia. He's discussing concessions from the Russians. They've agreed to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes.

President Obama is in Russia. We know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house.

Craig Ferguson

The big news: Sarah Palin quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody was shocked. Even John McCain was surprised. He was like, "Who?"

Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down.

Don't worry, though. Alaska will be fine. According to the state's Constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor — Chilly Willy.

2009-07-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

Did ACORN Elect Al Franken?

Democrat Al Franken's emergence as the victor of the marathon Minnesota election battle has triggered growing complaints from those who blame former Sen. Norm Coleman's defeat on the Association of Community Organizers for Reform Now (ACORN).

Matthew Vadum, senior editor for the Capital Research Center think tank, stops just short of saying ACORN grabbed the election away from Coleman -- although he doesn't rule out that possibility.

He points out that ACORN registers voters who are expected to vote Democratic in overwhelming numbers, based on demographics. In the year leading up to the election, ACORN tallied 43,000 new registrations in Minnesota. That was likely a decisive factor in a contest decided by 312 votes out of nearly 3 million ballots cast.

Vadum comments, "It just seems probable that they got enough fraudulent registrations in, in order to swing the vote. But I don't have evidence that they did. More likely than not, it played a role."

Vadum says he has no evidence ACORN manipulated the outcome in Minnesota, and Coleman's own attorneys have said the same thing. But Vadum tells Newsmax ACORN "set in motion a process that allowed an election to be stolen."

That process, Vadum says, began when ACORN helped Minnesota's secretary of state, Mark Ritchie, get elected in 2006. Ritchie is a favorite son of the George Soros-funded Secretary of State Project (SOS), which has succeeded in installing partisans in key state positions that can influence election outcomes.

Ritchie, for example, presided over the recount that saw Coleman lose an apparent lead of 775 votes on Election Day. All of Coleman's legal challenges to that recount were thwarted.

Vadum blames Coleman's repeated setbacks on "the permissive environment created by the secretary of state who is ACORN's man -- endorsed by them, and ACORN supporters gave money to him."

None of which indicates ACORN has done anything improper, let alone illegal, in Minnesota.

Elsewhere, it's a different story.

The Justice Department and over a dozen states have launched investigations into ACORN's activities, charging ACORN set illegal quotas that pressured canvassers into submitting fraudulent registrations.

Prosecutors filed 39 felony counts against the group in Nevada. Four former ACORN workers are standing trial on charges in Pittsburgh that they forged or illegally solicited voter registrations in November. And in Ohio's Cuyahoga County, prosecutors have indicted Darnell Nash, a voter who was registered by ACORN, for voting illegally. Officials say Nash registered to vote on nine occasions, using different names and addresses each time. And investigators say as many as 4,000 ACORN voter registrations in Ohio may have been fraudulent.

So can Coleman blame his woes on voter fraud?

"I think it's a possibility," says Heritage Foundation election expert Hans A. von Spakovsky. "But we don't know whether that has occurred, because the secretary of state is not taking the steps that are necessary to investigate and verify the accuracy of its registration list."

To some it seems curious that Minnesota, the only state with a marathon election dispute stemming from the 2008 election, has thus far refused to launch an investigation into ACORN or possible vote fraud. Investigators in Dakota County are looking into about 50 cases where felons may have voted illegally.

Republicans worry even an infinitesimal level of voter fraud could have altered the outcome in Minnesota, and thereby altering the balance of power in the U.S. Senate.

Heather S. Heidelbaugh, vice president of the Republican National Lawyers Association, tells Newsmax: "When you're running for U.S. Senate and you're going to affect potentially the balance of the Senate, and potentially affect whether major pieces of legislation are passed and whether our nation changes course in major philosophical ways -- you're talking about an enormous, enormous effect of potential fraud."

Although Ritchie and other Minnesota election officials continue to tout the Gopher State's reputation for fair and honest elections, many observers have grown skeptical.

"I certainly don't believe that claim survives much beyond the surface," opines von Spakovsky. "When you dig just a little bit into their election system you see many problems. And this recount -- and this race which is so close -- really emphasizes the importance of those problems."

Specifically, von Spakovsky says, "Minnesota really has no system for checking and verifying the accuracy of its voter registration system."

Verifying the legitimacy of voter registrations is the primary concern of Minnesota Majority, a nonprofit organization with Republican backing that has uncovered 2,800 instances where deceased Minnesotans were listed as having "voted" in November's elections.

The secretary of state's office has dismissed those concerns, blaming local election officials' data-processing errors.

Minnesota Majority has filed a lawsuit alleging that Ritchie and 25 county election officials failed to reconcile their registrations -- the routine process of matching votes cast with actual people registered and living at valid addresses. Cleaning up the voter rolls periodically is required by law.

Minnesota Majority founder Jeff Davis says he's also very concerned also about votes cast illegally by felons, by non-citizens, and by individuals who provided residential addresses that do not exist, including "city parks, business developments, freeways, and empty lots."

"Minnesota is doing absolutely nothing to investigate or verify any of that information," says Von Spakovsky. "It points out that in a close election where every vote counts, that kind of a sloppy system can allow someone to steal an election."

None of which, it should be noted again, proves that ACORN did anything wrong in Minnesota. Elections, it should be noted, are highly competitive. The candidate who does a better job of registering voters and getting them out to the polls naturally enjoys an advantage. But the problem in Minnesota, Vadum says, is that the Coleman-Franken election was "just littered with glaring irregularities." And the response of state officials has been to drone own about Minnesota's immaculate elections.

Davis is calling for a federal investigation of vote-registration procedures in the state. He tells Newsmax that the state's failure to reconcile its voter database casts a shadow over the validity of some 30,000 ballots cast in November.

If details do eventually emerge that link vote-registration activists in Minnesota to the same abuses that occurred elsewhere, Heidelbaugh says ACORN may not get the last laugh for sending Franken to the U.S. Senate after all.

She says ACORN's reputation may "suffer even more severely, because they may have affected the entire tenor and makeup of the Senate, thereby giving a supermajority in that chamber. It could be a tremendous effect of fraud."

And Vadum, for one, says flatly of Coleman that "he was robbed."

2009-07-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

Ros-Lehtinen Rips Obama on Honduras

Republican Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen is taking issue with the Obama administration over "concerns about the U.S. approach to human rights, democratic principles, rule of law, and constitutional institutions" as a result of the crisis in Honduras.

The Honduran army forced President Maneul Zelaya from office a week ago, sparking an outcry from the Organization of American States and other nations. Zelaya's ouster came as he was working to revise the Honduran constitution, and the country's new rulers have threatened to arrest him on nearly 20 charges, including treason.

President Barack Obama has said the United States will "stand on the side of democracy" to resolve the conflict, insisting that Zelaya is still the rightful Honduran leader.

"It would be a terrible precedent if we start moving backwards into the era in which we are seeing military coups as a means of political transition rather than democratic elections," he said last week. "The region has made enormous progress over the last 20 years in establishing democratic traditions. ... We don't want to go back to a dark past."

In a letter to Obama, Ros-Lehtinen slams the administration's "mypoic" approach, saying "the U.S. stance from the onset appears to have been focused on supporting one individual, President Jose Manuel Zelaya Rosales, irrespective of the Honduran constitution, rule of law, and democratic institutions. ... [T]here has been no apparent attempt by the U.S to discern the truth about the status of democratic and constitutional order in this Central American country, before making summary conclusions and issuing condemnations based on incomplete information."

Ros-Lehtinen says the Honduran crisis actually began in March, when Zelaya issued an executive order to hold a referendum on extending his term in office. Ros-Lehtinen says that move was unconstitutional. She also points to Zelaya's attempt in June to force "government employees to participate in the 'Public Opinion Poll to convene a National Constitutional Assembly,' which would have reportedly triggered Article 239 of the Honduran constitution requiring he be relieved of his duties and office. The U.S. failed to respond. This marked a serious failure in U.S. diplomacy and democracy advocacy. As such, many would argue, that the U.S. is complicit in the escalation of the constitutional crisis in Honduras."

Ros-Lehtinen ends the letter expressing the hope that the Obama administration "will not have the U.S. response hinge on unconfirmed reports and accusations by sources with a vested interest in ensuring a particular outcome that may, or may not, be in the interest of the United States."

2009-07-04T04:56:00.000-07:00

Key Events in Palin's Political Career

December 2006: Gov. Sarah Palin, a former mayor of Wasilla City, Alaska, becomes governor of her state after defeating an incumbent governor of her own party in the primary and then beating a former governor in the general election.

August 2008: John McCain picks Palin as his vice presidential running mate in a startling selection that makes the Alaska governor the first woman named to a spot on a Republican national ticket.

September 2008: An announcement that Palin's then 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is pregnant creates a stir as the governor prepares to accept her nomination at the Republican National Convention.

October 2008: Palin is investigated for the firing of a public safety commissioner who said he felt pressure from the governor, her husband and her staff to fire a state trooper who had gone through a divorce from Palin's sister. The Alaska Legislature finds Palin abused her power in office, but a report released by the Alaska Personnel Board on the eve of the election clears Palin of wrongdoing in Troopergate.

November 2008: McCain and Palin lose the 2008 presidential race.

June 2009: Palin blasts comedian David Letterman for making a joke about her daughter getting "knocked up" by New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez. Letterman apologizes.

July 2009: Palin makes a surprise announcement, saying she is resigning from her post as governor at the end of the month.

2009-07-03T04:59:00.000-07:00

Sotomayor Had Ties to Extreme Group

The top Republican on the Senate committee that will consider Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court nomination says a Puerto Rican civil rights group's papers could shed light on her judicial approach, particularly her view of racial preferences in hiring.

White House Counsel Greg Craig, however, told Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., in a letter that board meeting minutes and other papers detailing the Puerto Rican Legal Defense and Education Fund's activities while Sotomayor was an outside adviser shouldn't impact her nomination because she had no role in writing or approving them.

"During her time there, the organization took extreme positions on legal issues ranging from the death penalty to abortion to racial quotas," Sessions said in a statement. He said it was "absurd" for the White House to call the documents irrelevant.

The battle over the papers isn't likely to damage Sotomayor's chances of confirmation, since Democrats have more than enough votes in favor of President Barack Obama's first high court nominee, and Republicans have shown little appetite for trying to block her.

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, which will begin confirmation hearings July 13, shrugged off the GOP concerns being raised about Sotomayor, saying some in the GOP were going to oppose any Obama pick — "even if the president had nominated Moses."

Republicans "were going to object no matter who it was. And several of them have told me that privately," Leahy told The Associated Press in an interview at his Vermont farmhouse.

Republicans did not respond to requests for comment about Leahy's remarks.

Sotomayor early last month gave the Judiciary panel documents she contributed to or helped write while she was a board member of the group from 1980 to 1992, but Leahy joined Sessions recently in asking for more information about the group's activities and policy positions while she was involved.

The organization, now know as LatinoJustice PRLDEF, began sending some of that material to the committee Wednesday, but Sessions' office said Sotomayor's backers were delaying the release of the information to prevent a thorough investigation.

Cesar Perales, PRLDEF's president and general counsel, told the AP earlier this week that he planned to send the documents on a rolling basis, and all of them would arrive on Capitol Hill by week's end.

In his letter to Sessions, Craig said the Judiciary panel already has all pertinent documents on Sotomayor. He said the judge never served on PRLDEF's staff or supervised its employees, and noted that Republicans have in years past refused to release similar documents on their own Supreme Court nominees.

"Perhaps there is confusion about Judge Sotomayor's role with PRLDEF, and that confusion may account for your unusual interest," Craig wrote. "Let me be clear: On Judge Sotomayor's behalf, we submitted all documents the committee requested of her, and we did so in record time."

Craig also defended PRLDEF, calling it "a highly respected civil rights fund."

Sessions noted, however, that Sotomayor held leadership posts on the group's board. And he suggested her participation in PRLDEF, which brought several lawsuits on behalf of minority employees alleging racial discrimination in hiring and promotion, could help show a propensity on the judge's part for using the legal system to advantage minorities in the workplace.

On Monday, the Supreme Court reversed a ruling Sotomayor endorsed as an appeals court judge that rejected the reverse discrimination claims of white firefighters in New Haven, Conn., who were denied promotions because too few minorities scored highly on the qualifying exam.

"During Judge Sotomayor's time at PRLDEF, the organization launched a series of legal actions to throw out the test results for other city employees on the basis of race just like in the New Haven case. What role did Judge Sotomayor play in the decision to bring these cases?" Sessions said in his statement.

The White House is strongly resisting Republicans' suggestions that the hearings should be delayed to give them more time to review the group's documents so they can draw conclusions about Sotomayor.

The best evidence "of how she'd be as a judge are the 17 years of legal opinions that she has written and that she herself has worked on — not a box or boxes of documents that she didn't write, review or approve," said Robert Gibbs, the White House spokesman. "I think there has been plenty of time to review the record."

2009-07-02T05:06:00.000-07:00

Obama Uses 'Letter' to Stop Illegals

WASHINGTON -- The Obama administration is launching investigations of hundreds of businesses around the country as part of its strategy to focus immigration enforcement on the employers who hire illegal workers.

But instead of cracking down with well-publicized raids featuring dozens of agents storming a suspect business or factory, the administration is sending a simple form letter identifying businesses as potentially being in violation of immigration laws.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement has begun notifying businesses of plans to audit their I-9 forms — employment eligibility documents that employers fill out for every worker — the agency told members of Congress in an e-mail Wednesday, according to the Associated Press.

Immigration officers served "Notices of Inspection" to 652 businesses, the Homeland Security Department said. By comparison, 503 such notices were issued to businesses last year, the agency said. Businesses were chosen for inspections based on leads and other investigative work, Immigration and Customs Enforcement said.

Employers are required to keep the I-9 forms and must check the authenticity of documents provided by the employee. The Homeland Security Department said it would not release the names or locations of the businesses that are being audited because of the ongoing investigations.

"ICE is committed to establishing a meaningful I-9 inspection program to promote compliance with the law," John Morton, Immigration and Customs Enforcement director, said in a statement. "This nationwide effort is a first step in ICE's longterm strategy to address and deter illegal employment."

President Barack Obama has said his administration's strategy for stemming illegal immigration would focus on employers who hire illegal workers.

The Feds are going to concentrate on businesses employing large numbers of ostensibly illegal workers. The tough criminal charges will be reserved mostly for employers who serially hire illegal immigrants and engage in wage and labor violations, The New York Times reported.

“These actions underscore our commitment to targeting employers that cultivate illegal work forces by knowingly hiring and exploiting illegal workers,” said Matt Chandler, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security.

Instead of criminal penalties, the new effort will makes broader use of fines and other civil sanctions. Employers found in violation could be looking at fines well up into the hundreds of thousands of dolalrs, federal officials say.

Representative Brian P. Bilbray, a California Republican who heads an immigration caucus in the House, told the Times that the amount of the fines was crucial.

“If this is a truly conscientious effort to get tough with employers to say the days are over of profiteering with illegal immigrants, that’s fine,” said Mr. Bilbray, who opposes any effort to give legal status to illegal immigrants. “But if the fine will be so low that it’s just part of doing business, there’s no deterrent.”

The Obama administration hopes this new effort might boost the chances of passing an immigration reform bill in Congress. The administration has doubted whether it has enough votes right now to pass immigration reform, the Associated Press reported. But some members of Congress emerged from a meeting with Obama last week saying immigration reform could be done by the end of the year or early next year.

2009-07-01T05:10:00.000-07:00

Al Franken a 'Clown from Minnesota'

Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., acrimoniously referred to his new colleague in the U.S. Senate as a “clown” who won’t be able to help his party muster the 60 votes needed to stop a Republican filibuster of the Waxman-Markey clean energy bill that has already passed the House.

"I'll tell you what a lot of people are thinking, and that is it looks like things are going to be over and we are going to get the clown from Minnesota,” Inhofe told The Tulsa World, referring to Minnesota Democrat Al Franken. “They are not going to get more than 35 votes."

Inhofe later was contrite and said he didn't mean to be disrespectful of Franken.

“I don't know the guy, but for a living, he is a clown. That's what he does for a living."

Franken, who earlier this week was declared the winner by the Minnesota Supreme Court of a hotly contested election against Republican rival Norman Coleman, was a professional comedian who was a writer for and cast member of “Saturday Night Live” for several years. He also is a best-selling author, former political commentator and host of a nationally-syndicated radio show on Air America.

"I don't know how Sen. Inhofe regards clowns,” Franken volleyed back during an appearance on the "Bill Press Show," “but it might be an incredible compliment.”.

2009-06-30T05:13:00.000-07:00

Obama's Popularity Plunging

The latest Rasmussen daily tracking poll shows that President Barack Obama for the first time has a negative approval index — more Americans disapprove of his job performance than approve.

In an exclusive Newsmax interview, pollster Scott Rasmussen also disclosed that, if the economy does not improve over the next year, Obama's numbers will deteriorate even further — and Democrats will suffer in 2010.

Rasmussen is founder and CEO of Rasmussen Reports and co-founder of the sports network ESPN. He has been an independent public opinion pollster for over a decade, and most major news organizations cite his reports.

Newsmax.TV's Ashley Martella asked Rasmussen for an overview of the latest tracking poll.

"The raw numbers are pretty straightforward — 31 percent of Americans strongly approve of the way Barack Obama is handling his job, 33 percent strongly disapprove," Rasmussen said.

"Before the last week we never had a circumstance where the number who disapprove outweigh the number who approve. So we're in new territory. Right now the approval index, at minus two, is as low as it's been.

"What we've seen in the last month is a growing number of people who strongly disapprove, and we're seeing it at a time when the president's honeymoon is coming to an end and people are beginning to look at the policies that he's promoting."

The closeness of the approve/disapprove numbers are "yet another indicator of how evenly divided our nation is," he added.

On specific issues, Rasmussen disclosed:

"When we talk about healthcare reform and the proposal the president is talking about, the country is fairly evenly divided. But those who have strong opinions tend to oppose the plan more than support it.

"On the cap-and-trade legislation [to reduce carbon emissions], 42 percent believe it's going to hurt the economy. Only 19 percent believe it's going to help.

"The takeover of General Motors is strongly opposed.

"Right now those things are weighing the president down. What's going to tell over the next year is how the economy performs. If a year from today, GM is doing great and throwing off profits and getting the taxpayers their money back, people will say we were wrong, the president was right, and it's great for him. But if GM is back asking for more bailouts, the president's numbers will be substantially weaker than they are today . . .

"If the economy responds negatively over the next year, it is going to hurt the Democrats in 2010.

"What the passage of legislation will actually do is bring ownership of the economy and economic performance more and more into Barack Obama's camp.

"Just over a month ago, 62 percent of Americans said that no matter what's happened in the last six months, George Bush is still more to blame for the economic mess than Barack Obama. That number fell to 54 percent, and the more of Obama's policies that are put in place, the more the blame or perhaps the credit will shift to the current president."

Rasmussen also found:

The country is evenly split between those who approve of the way Obama has responded to the disputed elections in Iran and the repression of demonstrations that followed, and those who disapprove and believe he has not been aggressive enough.

More Americans strongly oppose Obama's healthcare plan than strongly support it.

About 30 percent of Americans favor a single-payer healthcare system, but a majority will oppose it.

"Americans like the idea of healthcare reform in theory, in the abstract," Rasmussen said.

"Only 35 percent think this system is in good or excellent shape. But people like the coverage they get by themselves. Among the insured, 70 percent say their own coverage is good or excellent. Among all Americans, only 8 percent say their coverage is poor."

2009-06-29T11:43:00.001-07:00

Annual Cost of Climate Change Bill: $560 Per American

The passage of U.S. carbon legislation is likely to result in increased oil imports, declining investment and the closure of large refining plants in the United States by the country’s largest oil companies, according to experts interviewed by Bloomberg.com.

Under the Waxman-Markey climate bill that passed the U.S. House Friday, domestic companies would have to buy allowances for carbon dioxide spewed from their plants and from vehicles when motorists burn their fuel, Bloomberg reports. Foreign oil companies, though, need permits only for the latter, which ConocoPhillips Chief Executive Officer Jim Mulva said would create a competitive imbalance.

The measure, a key priority for President Barack Obama, squeaked through the House on Friday, 219-212, with 44 Democrats voting against it.

“It will lead to the opportunity for foreign sources to bring in transportation fuels at a lower cost, which will have an adverse impact to our industry, potential shutdown of refineries and investment and, ultimately, employment,” Mulva told Bloomberg. Houston-based ConocoPhillips has the second-largest U.S. refining capacity.

Not everyone with a background in the energy business agrees, though. T. Boone Pickens, the legendary oilman who has been pushing an alternative energy plan over the last year, called the House passage of the legislation “important first steps in advancing the use of renewable energy in our nation’s power grid. The American public wants this, and they recognize the important role a Green Bank, Renewable Electricity Standard (RES) and transmission provisions will have in revitalizing our economy,” Pickens said.

“But we cannot lose site of the work that needs to be done, and that is focusing on legislation that will address once and for all our ever-increasing dependence on foreign oil,” Pickens said in a statement released Friday. “It’s a national security and economic threat that we must face. We have to focus on replacing our foreign oil/diesel/gasoline use with abundant domestic fuels such as natural gas.”

On Sunday, though, leading GOP senators said they would fight the cap-and-trade legislation with every available resource.

“This bill coming out of the House is going nowhere in the Senate,” Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., said on NBC’s “Meet the Press.”

Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa, the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, said the House package would cost jobs and made the case for an international approach.

“We’ve got to have an international agreement so we have a level playing field,” he said in an appearance on ABC’s “This Week.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., appearing on “Fox News Sunday,” called the measure a jobs killer and argued it would lead to electricity rate hikes.

“If we do have a global warming problem, and many people believe we do, we need to target it on a global basis,” he said, suggesting the need to address foreign polluters like China and India.

Ironically, though, foreign producers of fossil fuels may actually benefit under the Democrat-backed plan now before the Senate. Imported gasoline would be 10 cents cheaper for each dollar in carbon costs tacked on to domestic gas, according to energy consulting firm Wood Mackenzie in Houston. Instead of reducing dependence on overseas energy suppliers, Americans would be more dependent than ever, Clayton Mahaffey, an analyst at RedChip Cos. in Maitland, Florida, told Bloomberg. Imports would rise dramatically.

“They’ll be searching the globe for refined products that don’t carry the same level of carbon costs,” said Mahaffey, a former Exxon Corp. refinery manager.

The cost to domestic fuel production in the United States will be enormous.

The equivalent of one in six U.S. refineries probably would close by 2020 as the cost of carbon allowances erases profits, according to the American Petroleum Institute, a Washington trade group known as API. Carbon permits would add 77 cents a gallon to the price of gasoline, said Russell Jones, the API’s senior economic adviser.

“Because it’s going to be more expensive to produce the stuff, refiners will slow down production and cut back on inventories to squeeze every penny of profit they can from the system,” said Geoffrey Styles, founder of GSW Strategy Group LLC in Vienna, Virginia. “We will end up with less domestic product on the market and a greater reliance on imports, all of which means higher, more volatile prices.”

Ordinary Americans will bear the brunt of these costs, experts told Bloomberg. Drivers, airlines and trucking companies would pay an additional $178 billion annually, or about $560 for each man, woman and child in the U.S., according to the API, whose 400 members include Irving, Texas-based Exxon Mobil and the U.S. unit of Royal Dutch Shell Plc, Europe’s largest oil company.

“That kind of price impact would significantly hurt the competitiveness of U.S. refiners versus importers,” said Glenn McGinnis, chief executive officer at Arizona Clean Fuels Yuma, a Phoenix-based company that’s attempting to build the nation’s first new refinery in three decades

2009-06-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

44 Democrats Broke With Obama on Climate Bill

The majority of the 52 House members who broke party ranks on Friday’s cap-and-trade climate change vote came from congressional districts that backed the presidential nominee of the opposite party in last year’s election.

Nearly all of these members will face competitive races in 2010, according to Congressional Quarterly, and many will likely brandish this ostensibly independent vote as evidence of their political independence.

Here’s the list of the 44 Democratic "no" votes that chose to go against their party leader, President Barack Obama. There were also 8 Republican "yes" votes. The bill

passed 219-212.

Among the Democrats who voted "no" and represent McCain-voting districts:

Bobby Bright, Parker Griffith and Artur Davis of Alabama.

Ann Kirkpatrick and Harry E. Mitchell of Arizona.

Marion Berry and Mike Ross of Arkansas.

John Salazar of Colorado

Jim Marshall of Georgia.

Walt Minnick of Idaho; Joe Donnelly and Brad Ellsworth of Indiana.

Charlie Melancon of Louisiana.

Travis W. Childers and Gene Taylor of Mississippi.

Eric Massa of New York.

Mike McIntyre of North Carolina.

Earl Pomeroy of North Dakota.

Charlie Wilson of Ohio.

Dan Boren of Oklahoma.

Jason Altmire, Christopher Carney and\Kathy Dahlkemper of Pennsylvania.

Stephanie Herseth Sandlin of South Dakota;

Lincoln Davis and John Tanner of Tennessee.

Chet Edwards of Texas.

Jim Matheson of Utah.

Alan B. Mollohan and Nick J. Rahall II of West Virginia.

(Davis is running for governor, Melancon is likely to challenge Republican

Sen. David Vitter and Herseth Sandlin is weighing a race for governor).

Among the Democrats who voted "no" and represent Obama-voting districts:

Jim Costa and Pete Stark of California.

John Barrow of Georgia.

Bill Foster of Illinois.

Peter J. Visclosky of Indiana.

Michael Arcuri of New York.

Larry Kissell of North Carolina.

Dennis J. Kucinich of Ohio.

Peter A. DeFazio of Oregon.

Ciro D. Rodriguez and Solomon P. Ortiz of Texas.

Glenn Nye of Virginia.

Republicans who voted "yes" and represent Obama-voting districts (7): Mary

Bono Mack of California; Michael N. Castle of Delaware; Mark Steven Kirk of

Illinois; Frank A. LoBiondo and Leonard Lance of New Jersey; John M. McHugh

of New York; Dave Reichert of Washington.

(Castle and Kirk are weighing bids for statewide office in their

Democratic-leaning states. Along with Reichert, they are three of the six

House Republicans who represent districts that voted Democratic for

president in both 2004 and 2008).

Republicans who voted "yes" and represent McCain-voting districts (1):

Christopher H. Smith of New Jersey.

2009-06-27T11:51:00.000-07:00

Obama Breaks Promise, Embraces Healthcare Tax

WASHINGTON – The Obama White House left open the possibility Sunday that the president would break a campaign promise and raise taxes on people earning less than $250,000 to support his health care overhaul agenda.

White House adviser David Axelrod said the administration wouldn't rule out taxing some employees' benefits to fund a health care agenda that has yet to take final form. The move would be a compromise with fellow Democrats, who are pushing the proposal as a way to pay for the massive undertaking without ballooning the federal deficit.

"There are a number of formulations and we'll wait and see. The important thing at this point is to keep the process moving, to keep people at the table, to the keep the discussions going," Axelrod said. "We've gotten a long way down the road and we want to finish that journey."

But if President Barack Obama compromises on that point, it would reverse a campaign tax promise.

"I pledge that under my plan, no one making less than $250,000 a year will see any type of tax increase," Obama told a crowd in Dover, N.H., last year. "Not income tax, not capital gains taxes, not any kind of tax."

At the time, his Republican rival, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., was proposing a tax on health benefits similar to the plan Obama is now considering. Just a year ago, Obama spent millions on campaign commercials attacking the idea.

One ad accused McCain of favoring "taxing health benefits for the first time ever ... taxing health care instead of fixing it. We can't afford John McCain."

A second Obama ad called McCain's approach "the largest middle-class tax increase in history." Driving the point home, it contended the "McCain tax could cost your family thousands. Can you afford it?"

Under the current proposals, a tax on health benefits would affect only those with pricey health plans. The idea would be to tax as income the portion of health benefits worth more than a specified limit. Officials are considering several options, including one that would set the limit at $17,240 for family coverage and $6,800 for individuals.

Plans worth more than that would be taxed; those worth less would see no increase.

Obama has faced similar criticism before. When he increased taxes on tobacco to pay for a children's health bill, his critics said he was raising taxes on those making less than $250,000 a year.

Obama left open the possibility of a tax during interviews last week, insisting he wasn't taking any option off the table despite his personal opposition. But two of his high-profile advisers — budget chief Peter Orszag and economic adviser Jason Furman — both have indicated they support some taxes on health benefits to pay for the overhaul.

Sen. Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, said that Obama should step in an oppose the tax if he's truly against it. Otherwise, he faces a loss to his own Democratic Party and his own campaign credibility.

"I think it's going to take presidential leadership to get people of his party to see that we shouldn't be subsidizing high-end health insurance policies that drive up inflation in health insurance," said Grassley, the top Republican on the powerful finance committee.

Grassley — and, to be sure, other Republicans — remember Obama's scathing criticism of their GOP presidential nominee.

"Since the president denigrated John McCain's effort to move in this direction during the campaign, it's going to take, in order to win over Republicans, presidential leadership in that direction," Grassley said.

To help sell his plan, Obama scheduled a town hall-style meeting this week in Annandale, Va., a Washington suburb. He plans to take questions Wednesday from the audience and from online sites such as Facebook, YouTube and Twitter.

Axelrod insisted that the White House has made progress on a health care plan and is working with Congress. Even so, the emerging legislation is hardly the bipartisan collaboration Obama's top advisers had sought.

"One of the problems we've had in this town is that people draw lines in the sand and they stop talking to each other," Axelrod said. "And you don't get anything done. That's not the way the president approaches us."

Axelrod appeared on ABC's "This Week" and NBC's "Meet the Press." Grassley appeared on "This Week."

2009-06-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

It’s been reported that Gov. Sanford’s mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. This makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media.

Earlier today Sanford apologized to his Cabinet for having the affair with an Argentinean woman. In response, his Cabinet members said, “An apology is not good enough — we want photos.”

In Iran, opposition groups have announced that, from now on, they’re going to hold their protest rallies online. The protesters say they’re going to overthrow the Iranian regime, and then they’re going after that YouTube cat that plays the piano.

The new Transformers movie is a huge hit. Sources say that 65 General Motors cars were provided for the movie “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” General Motors said they will be providing even more of their cars for next one, “Transforms III: Revenge of the Lemons.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Too Fat

10. When people first meet you they say, "Lemme guess — opera singer?"

9. You live on 23rd, 24th, and 25th streets

8. Barack Obama has requested $3 billion to bail you out of your bed

7. When doctor says you're pregnant with octuplets, you have to remind him you're a man

6. Often get free waffles at Denny's by claiming to be Rush Limbaugh

5. When you get on a scale, it says, "One at a time!"

4. On your visit to Russia, cholesterol checks you

3. Since this list began, you've eaten a quart of tartar sauce

2. You're too fat to read Artie Lange's "Too Fat to Fish"

1. Get in bed at 11 p.m., but your ass doesn't get there till midnight

David Letterman

Hot and humid today. So hot, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer spent an extra 10 dollars on an oscillating hooker.

The garbage men in New York City will be allowed to wear shorts this summer. All part of Mayor Bloomberg's plan to beautify the city.

I know what you're thinking: New York City has garbage men?

Fourth of July this week. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.

Craig Ferguson

Dick Cheney is writing his memoir. It's going to be called, "To Kill a Mockingbird While Aiming at Your Lawyer."

It will be published by Satan and Schuster.

Well, Schuster's not really involved.

Environmentalists say that living naked for a few hours a day will help save the earth. Somebody please keep this information away from Al Gore.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Thousands of people have come to pay their respect to Michael Jackson. The line to see his star on Hollywood Boulevard stretches around the block. It's longer than the iPhone line.

Michael Jackson news has pretty much wiped out all other news — Iran, Iraq, North Korea, the economy . . . not even Jon and Kate get mentioned anymore, and that's important stuff.

With all the Michael Jackson news, we almost forgot that today is Bring Your Dog to Work Day. Which, for blind people, is every day.

Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford met with his wife, Jenny, for the first time since admitting his affair. It did not go very well. The first thing he asked was, "Did I get any e-mail while I was away?"

The next thing he said was, "I got you a shot glass from the airport."

"Transformers II" has made more than $145 million worldwide. It's on track to be the biggest box office opening of all time. It's incredible — somebody has finally found a way to make money using American cars.

To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurist is going to fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane. He's just praying that nothing bad will happen . . . like night.

2009-06-26T04:49:00.000-07:00

Liberals Waters, Obey Fight on House Floor

Two liberal Democrats launched into a verbal argument that turned physical on the floor of the House Thursday night during a debate over an appropriations earmark one was seeking, according to Roll Call.

Rep. Maxine Waters, D-Calif., and Appropriations Chairman David Obey, D-Wis., split apart from a heated conversation and began yelling at one another.

“You’re out of line,” Waters shot while walking down toward the well.

“You’re out of line,” Obey shot back before turning and walking away.

But then Obey stopped, turned back toward Waters, and shouted: “I’m not going to approve that earmark!”

The dispute apparently centered on a longtime feud over an earmark for a public school employment training center in Los Angeles that was named after Waters when she was a state representative.

Obey rejected that earmark as violating policies against so-called “monuments to me.” Waters revised her request to go to the school district’s whole adult employment training program, so the district could decide whether the money would go to the school named after Waters.

The floor had largely cleared at the time of the argument. The earmark voting had largely wrapped up, Roll Call reported.

Obey turned away, but Waters went to go huddle with members of the Congressional Black Caucus. She could be over heard telling them: “He touched me first.”

Waters was escorted by her colleagues into the cloakroom, Roll Call reported.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Md, then got involved, counseling Obey. Obey had been speaking with Hoyer and leadership staff for most of the vote series prior to his encounter with Waters.

Obey then exited the chamber.

But then Waters returned briefly, loudly telling her colleagues: “He touched me.”

The dispute apparently centered on a longtime feud over an earmark for a public school employment training center in Los Angeles that was named after Waters when she was a state representative.

Obey rejected that earmark as violating policies against so-called “monuments to me.” Waters revised her request to go to the school district’s whole adult employment training program, so the district could decide whether the money would go to the school named after Waters.

2009-06-25T04:52:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Two Columbia University students who study statistics, say the Iranian election was rigged because they found that there were too many 7s and not enough 5s in the vote totals. Then they admitted that they have too many free evenings and not enough girlfriends.

USA Today says that Chrysler is trying to make its cars more appealing by painting them in bright colors like orange and lime green. They’re also trying to make them more appealing by painting the name Toyota on them.

Toyota has begun production on a Prius Hearse — which will be better for the environment than traditional gas-powered hearses. Experts say it’s the perfect way to tell everyone in your funeral procession, I’m judging you from beyond the grave.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses

10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating

9. Had to do something after devastating news about Jon and Kate

8. I learned everything I know from Gov. Spitzer

7. Let's talk about more important issues like the Nestle Toll House cookie recall

6. I learned everything I know from Gov. McGreevey

5. It's Ahmadinejad's fault

4. If you met my wife you'd be fleeing the country too

3. Putting together my audition tape for "The Amazing Race"

2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone?

1. It wasn't me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno

David Letterman

Bernie Madoff, swindler, is asking a judge for a reduced sentence. Everybody remembers him — up until a couple of weeks ago, he was the most hated man in America. Then I had my trouble with the governor of Alaska.

He's asking for 12 years. In addition, he's not allowed to trade in securities. And I'm thinking, "Well . . . they nipped that in the bud.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford disappeared for a few days and said he was out hiking. Then he said he was in South America. Today he says he was in Las Vegas and woke up hung over with a tiger and a baby.

It turns out he was in Argentina with another woman. Keep in mind he's a married guy with a family. Here's what I want to know: Why can't he be like our former governor and use a local escort service?

Craig Ferguson

Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, mysteriously disappeared last week. Then on Sunday, a spokesman said he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail." I think that's a euphemism. "What's that lipstick on your face?" "I was 'hiking the Appalachian Trail.'"

He was busted getting off a flight from Argentina. You know where all this is headed . . . the press conference when you have to tell the whole world . . . He admitted to the affair in Argentina. Great — now we're outsourcing mistresses.

There's been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade has been Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, disappeared without telling his staff or his wife where he went. Then he said he was hiking. Today, he showed up and held a press conference to announce that he went to Argentina to visit his mistress. This is the guy who some people thought might be a candidate for president. He won't, by the way.

In international news, if you're planning a trip to North Korea, don't go. The North Koreans are accusing us of trying to start another war, and they're saying that they will wipe us out if we do. They're probably kidding, though. They have a very good sense of humor about this stuff.

The Pittsburgh Penguins just won the Stanley Cup. Who better to congratulate them than New Age keyboard sensation Yanni. Nothing says hockey like Yanni in a light blue jersey.

Jimmy Fallon

Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina, was missing for five days. He finally showed up and claimed he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then today, he revealed he was not hiking in the mountains, he was in Argentina where he was having an extramarital affair. It all seems so strange until you realize who his mistress is: Carmen Sandiego.

On July 14, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game in St. Louis. Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error.

As a way to attract movie viewers, the Oscars now will nominate 10 movies for Best Picture, instead of five. That's just what the Oscars are missing — more losers.

2009-06-24T01:57:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Elizabeth Hasselbeck of "The View" is denying claims that she plagiarized her recent book. Hasselbeck said she plans to refute these charges in her upcoming memoir, “The Autobiography of Malcolm X.”

The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named The USS John McCain to deal with a North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Actually, the Navy didn’t dispatch The John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own.

Yesterday, the mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced that he is not going to run for governor of California. Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country, and you can understand every word he says.

In China, a husband recently discovered that his wife was a man after he’d been married to her for three years. Friends are describing the husband as “not a real details guy.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Lucas Glover Would Like To Say After Winning The U.S. Open

10. I'd like to thank Tiger Woods for letting someone else win

9. I started playing golf in March

8. I forgot my wedge yesterday, so I used a rake

7. Honestly, I'm just glad to be out of the rain

6. I had Phil Mickelson in the office pool

5. Ladies, my last name isn't "Glover" — it's "G. Lover"

4. I drive for show, I putt for dough

3. Does anybody have a phone number for that Jon & Kate lady?

2. If there's anything more exciting than watching golf, it's 10 lame jokes read by a guy who plays golf

1. Even I have never heard of me

David Letterman

It's Gay Pride Week in New York City. One of the many events is the silent auction. The winner gets Liza Minnelli.

Bernie Madoff has been barred from working in the securities industry. And I'm thinking, "Great — how's the guy supposed to make a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?"

He was looking for a shorter sentence — 12 years. If anybody deserves a break, it's this guy.

Wow — 150 years. When he gets out, Republicans could be back in.

Craig Ferguson

MySpace has fired 60 percent of its workforce. They notified workers as fast as possible. They left messages on their Facebook pages.

Tonight's the premier of "America's Got Talent." It's based on an English show called, "Britain's Got Talent." Which they do, in some areas. In others, not so much. Like dentistry — there's very little talent.

The winner of "America's Got Talent" gets a million bucks. Which sounds great until you find out it's paid over 40 years. So that's $25,000 a year . . . which is considered poverty level. But it's poverty for 40 years, guaranteed!

Jimmy Fallon

An earthquake struck Alaska yesterday that measured 5.4. But as Sarah Palin said, it felt like 6 point "oh my gosh."

Manny Ramirez, after being suspended for 50 games for using a banned drug, will play baseball for the Albuquerque Isotopes. He says he doesn't know what isotopes are but he's pretty sure he's injected them at some point.

Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes when their owners' blood sugar drops. They're great at it, but only when diabetes is in your crotch.

2009-06-23T01:01:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Nice vote of confidence for President Obama — this weekend, John McCain of all people said that President Obama has “done well” during his first few months in office. In fact, McCain’s so proud of Obama he sent him a card with a $5 bill inside.

More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. To disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons, and the NBC prime time line-up.

Some experts are saying the Iranian election was rigged because in some towns President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad got more than 100 percent of the vote. And what’s even stranger, all of those extra votes were from elderly Jewish people in Palm Beach, Fla.

Good news for the auto industry — according to a new report, Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Mayor Bloomberg Has Gone Nuts

10. Canceled an official event to be home for the big "Jon & Kate Plus 8" announcement

9. Often wears lipstick and demands to be called Veronica

8. Routinely sunbathing in the middle of the Van Wyck Expressway

7. Just gave Yankees a billion dollars to build another new stadium

6. Decided to run for Ayatollah

5. Been eating nothing but raw cookie dough

4. Renamed every street "148th Street"

3. Often seen lurking around the city at night in a black cape

2. Declared war on Trenton

1. Announced he's building a pedestrian plaza in his pants

David Letterman

Barack Obama's approval rating dropped to 56 percent. So don't kid yourself — Hillary could still win this thing.

Hillary broke her elbow recently. She hasn't fully recovered yet. In fact, she's still wearing her orthopedic pantsuit.

John McCain is being more outspoken about Obama's foreign policy, his Iranian strategy. Today, he got so loud and so angry, they asked him to leave Denny's.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner of the Iranian election. People are protesting in the streets of Tehran. It got to be so crazy that Iran's supreme leader spoke live on TV last night. It pre-empted Al Jazeera's most popular show — "How I Met Your Camel."

Craig Ferguson

The couple from Jon & Kate Plus 8 filed for divorce today. The show's going to go on, it's just going to be called "Jon & Kate Minus Half of Jon's Stuff."

The man who invented the vibrating bed has died at age 92. The vibrating bed industry is very shaken up over this.

The bed I have is the Sleep Number bed. I can sleep soundly even if there's a hippo and a glass of wine on the other side.

Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton is expected to make a full recovery after surgery to repair her broken elbow. Doctors say she'll be able to point and crazy smile at people in no time.

Steve Jobs is doing fine after a liver transplant. Of course, every time you get a new liver they come out with a better one a month later . . .

Oprah is treating her entire staff and their families to a Mediterranean cruise. They're going to Spain, Greece, and Italy. This has inspired me — I want to let my staff know that tomorrow I am footing the bill for "Taco Tuesday

2009-06-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

The Iranian government is trying very hard to legitimize their election — today, Iran’s supreme leader declared last week’s presidential election an “absolute victory.” And then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA Championship.

Speaking of basketball, today, President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers coach Phil Jackson, and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. In a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin.

Earlier today in Los Angeles, armed robbers held up a medical marijuana clinic. Police can't identify the robbers because all the eyewitnesses say they have glaucoma.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow so yesterday she worked from home. Which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words “Help Me” with garden gnomes.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Kids On Father's Day

10. "And you are?"

9. "Father? We always kind of assumed you were our mother"

8. "I'm supposed to give you a gift to thank you for ruining my life?!"

7. "Hey Dad, on your special day, how 'bout updating your will?"

6. "It's not just a nose hair trimmer, it's a nose and ear hair trimmer"

5. "All eight of us got you a subscription to US Weekly, so you can read about how you're cheating on Mom"

4. "It's a restaurant, Dad; they require a shirt"

3. "I know you don't play golf, but golfballs were easiest to shoplift"

2. "It's nice to go through the motions like this every year"

1. "Here's a couple bucks. Get yourself a McDLT"

David Letterman

Sunday is the summer solstice. It's the longest day of the year, if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family.

It's Gay Pride Week in New York City. This is the week Liza Minnelli goes out husband-hunting.

I love Gay Pride Week. Where else can you see 300 guys dressed up like Sarah Palin?

Sunday is also father's Day. I got a weird call from my mom. She said, "David. Don't forget to send a Father's Day card to Larry King."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The Mexican navy this week siezed almost 2,000 pounds of cocaine hidden inside the bodies of frozen sharks. Who knew Mexico had a navy?

It's already being made into a movie: "Sharkface."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in a cast. She fell and fractured her elbow. Fortunately, her scowl borke her fall.

Everyone is concerned about her. To wish her well, they flew a pantsuit at half-mast at the White House.

Jimmy Fallon

Today Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said there was no fraud in the election and the results will stand. I don't know. I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other Supreme Leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course Diana Ross."

GM just announced that they will stop manufacturing the Pontiac Vibe in August. The reason? Bad Vibes. The CEO said today, “We’re no longer making the Pontiac Vibe. Also, I had no idea there was something called the Pontiac Vibe."

A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. Too bad there wasn’t an easier way to know when your phone is ringing . . . like when it rings.

Happy Birthday to Paula Abdul. She’s 47 years old, and she plans to spend the day with her closest friends: Vicodin and Chardonnay

2009-06-19T01:09:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran. Actor Ashton Kutcher is urging the U.S. government not to intervene in the crisis because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice and said he’d get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers.

The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life.

Earlier today it was announced that Billy Joel is separating from his wife Katie who is 33 years younger than he is. Katie said, “I feel bad, but all my friends are graduating and we want to backpack across Europe.”

Paris Hilton is going to be filming the next season of her reality show in the Middle Eastern nation of Dubai. Producers will also be re-titling the show, “This is Why They Hate Us.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Caddy Is Nuts

10. Replaces your 7-iron with a garden weasel

9. Spends afternoon sipping mojitos in the sandtrap

8. He's the only caddy on skates

7. Congratulatory high-five replaced with open mouth kiss

6. Likes to pick up divots, put them on his head and say, "Welcome to Celebrity Apprentice"

5. Pimped golf cart to hop up and down

4. Says he needs weekends off

3. Using bag to stow beers for John Daly

2. Keeps inviting you to a "foursome," but he's not talking about golf

1. Carries your clubs in his pants

David Letterman

My family is taking me out for brunch on Father's Day. I'm looking forward to the picketing.

My son has made me a Father's Day gift. It's so cute. It's a giant box . . . an inbox for all my hate mail.

They're having trouble in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people are lining the streets to protest the election results. And the government is going crazy. They're saying, "No, no, no. It's not a protest. Those are folks just lining up to get their new iPhones."

This guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is claiming victory. He is very unpopular. And the danger is this: He could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb.

Craig Ferguson

Hillary Clinton fell down yesterday and broke her elbow. This is the worst break for a secretary of state since Madeleine Albright broke my heart. Call me, Mad Dog.

You know Fox News is going to be all over this: "This proves the Democrats are weak — Reagan fell over 10 times and didn't even break his hair."

The official report says that Hillary fell while walking to her car. But she's telling people that she broke it dodging sniper fire.

You know who I'm blaming for her fall, the under secretary of state, William Burns. That's right, Mr. Burns, I'm calling you out — you should have been under secretary of state as she fell.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

We survived the Lakers victory parade — more than 150,000 people jammed the streets of downtown L.A. to welcome the NBA champions. And why not? No one has a job anymore anyway.

Many of the people were actually living on the street.

The president is getting a lot of criticism from PETA . . . the Psychotic Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking exception to the president killing a fly. For real. I guess the fly was a gift from the president of Ethiopia. They're saying he should have captured the fly and taken it outside.

They have relocated the fly's family to the rose garden where they are now living on a fresh pile of Obama's dog droppings

2009-06-18T01:12:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Today was the Lakers victory parade, and thousands of people crowded downtown Los Angeles, which clogged streets and held up traffic all over the city. Officials say it was the worst traffic jam in Los Angeles since yesterday.

People are suspecting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's re-election may have been a sham because he’s claiming he won by a 2-to-1 margin. They’re also suspicious of Ahmadinejad’s claim that he’s dating Megan Fox.

More fallout from the bad economy: It's affecting the number of available jobs, so many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and GM.

President Obama’s new healthcare bill proposal is so expensive, Democrats are looking for ways to trim it back. One plan is so drastic it will only offer coverage for Jon and Kate plus three.

David Letterman

It's been 15 years since O.J. Simpson had his low-speed chase and was arrested for murder. I'm happy that guy has straightened out and settled down.

Today, O.J. celebrated quietly in jail with his new wife, Chuck.

Yesterday was the "Fire Dave" rally . . . a gathering of people who hate me. At my house, we call that Thanksgiving.

In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent Mir Hossein Mousavi had one of those crazy bets over who would win in the election. If Ahmadinejad won, he would get a crate of figs. If Mousavi won, he would be brutally slain.

Craig Ferguson

It's "National Eat Your Vegetables Day." It's the day America puts aside foods they like and eat vegetables.

Last night on TV president Obama killed a fly during an interview. It was kind of impressive. Of course, PETA is very upset.

Sen. John Ensign of Nevada had to resign as chairman of the Republican Policy Committee because he admitted to having an affair. It was an unusual affair for a senator — it was with a woman.

It's nice to see senators branching out — now that's change I can believe in.

Jimmy Fallon

The New York Times just reported that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. First Barry Bonds, then Alex Rodriguez, now Sosa. I think we know one thing for sure — steroids work great.

The FDA has reported that the nasal spray Zicam can reduce your sense of smell. Ever since the announcement, it's been flying off the shelves in New Jersey.

Shia LaBeouf announced that "Indiana Jones V" is in preproduction. So I guess they are counting that last one.

A woman in Ohio held up three separate banks on Monday. But only because they kept going out of business in the middle of the robbery. Even worse — they weren't her branch so they kept charging her $1.75 to rob them.

2009-06-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

Attorney General Holder Soft on Terror

WASHINGTON -- The senior Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee says Attorney General Eric Holder is too soft on terrorism.

At an oversight hearing Wednesday on the Justice Department, Sen. Jeff Sessions criticized Holder for the release of Bush administration memos that authorized harsh interrogation techniques. The Alabama senator said the memos gave important information to America's enemies.

Holder told the Senate committee that protecting Americans from terrorists is his top priority.

2009-06-17T01:29:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Sen. John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has an AM and FM radio.

In Iran, people protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabir is enjoying a lamb kebab.

General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General Motors said, “It’s a perfect fit ‘cause we only sell a dozen cars a year.”

It has been reported that publishers are turning Wikipedia into a 5,000 page book. However, I don’t think it’s true, because I read about it on Wikipedia.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard At The 'Fire David Letterman' Rally

10. "David who?"

9. "Well, it was nice of CBS to provide the catering"

8. "We should have done this years ago"

7. "What idiot turned Broadway into a pedestrian mall?"

6. "Isn't there always a crowd demanding Letterman be fired?"

5. "March around the potholes, people"

4. "Can we also get CBS to bring back 'Gunsmoke'?"

3. "When does Cheney get here with the waterboarding gear?"

2. "He should apologize for that hairpiece"

1. "Thanks for coming, Regis"

David Letterman

Sarah Palin has accepted my apology. She also accepted a $500 gift certificate from LensCrafters. I thought that was a nice touch.

I was really nervous about apologizing to Sarah Palin. So to get my confidence up, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey.

New York City is at war with Canadian geese ever since the whole US Airways landing in the Hudson. Mayor Bloomberg is serious about this. He's so serious, he's bringing in Dick Cheney.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the Iranian presidential election. People are angry and demanding a recount. As a matter of fact, the last unofficial count actually had Al Franken ahead.

Craig Ferguson

Things are going crazy over in Iran. They're calling for a recount . . . not of the election — "American Idol." They're very upset.

Drivers in New York were cited as the most aggressive and angry in the country. I dispute these results. New York — Los Angeles will raise you with one Mel Gibson.

Today is Cirque du Soleil's 25th anniversary. They're one of Canada's biggest exports, alongside Canadian bacon . . . which is really ham . . . and William Shatner . . . which is really ham . . .

Cirque du Soleil is like a circus, but instead of animals, they have the strangest creatures of all — the French Canadians.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

There was some vandalism after the Lakers won the NBA championship. I like to think I contributed to their victory by never changing my Lamar Oden underpants.

Some people even torched vehicles. They were mostly at GM dealerships.

President Barack Obama has been on TV more than Regis lately . . . he's all over. He was all over NBC the week before last, and next week he's doing a two-hour prime-time town hall. I guess if we didn't want a president on TV all the time we shouldn't have elected Oprah's boyfriend.

Jimmy Fallon

John McCain said on his Twitter feed that he's buying a new Ford Fusion hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer; now he's on Twitter and buying a hybrid. I think he's like Benjamin Button.

British Airways has asked 40,000 employees to work the next month for free. That's just what you want . . . a pilot with nothing to lose.

MySpace is laying off 30 percent of its workforce. Things are so bad, they've also laid off half their pedophiles.

2009-06-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

AMA Avoids Supporting Obama's Healthcare Plan

CHICAGO -- The American Medical Association has declined to take a firm position on President Barack Obama's proposal to create a public health insurance program.

The AMA delegates meeting in Chicago agreed Wednesday to support health care reform alternatives that are "consistent with AMA principles," which include freedom to choose health insurance and universal access for patients. But they didn't specifically support a plan for public health insurance.

Several AMA members say that by not using the words "public option" the AMA is sending a message that they are obstructing Obama's efforts to reform health care.

But the AMA's immediate past president, Dr. Nancy Nielsen, says the group didn't close the door to a public option. She says delegates simply didn't want to be seen as supporting something that hasn't been defined

2009-06-16T01:38:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Big news from Iran. Three days of riots, street-fighting, people setting fire to everything. I’m not sure who won over there: Ahmadinejad, or the Lakers.

President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won. Weeks before the Iranian election, President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he’d be put over the top by the Iranian Irish vote?

In an interview this weekend, Vice President Joe Biden says he still has his eye on the presidency. Which is weird, since the question was, “How do you take your coffee?”

In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the state he offered them is New Jersey.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Messages On Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Answering Machine

10. What kind of dictator only gets 63 percent of the vote?

9. I voted for you, now where is that goat you promised me?

8. Dude, where'd you get that sweet tan windbreaker?

7. It's Kim Jong Il. Congratulations. See you at Gadhafi's for Thursday night's Texas hold'em

6. Hey Mahmoud, hey mad dog. Can the Yankees win with that bullpen?

5. Sorry, wrong number — I was looking for Maxine Ahmadinejad

4. It's Jeb Bush. Those crooked voting machines arrive on time?

3. Osama here. My cable's out — can I come over to watch "Gossip Girl"?

2. According to exit polls, soccer moms thought your beard was H-O-T hot

1. It's Dubya. Congratulations on winning the election in whatever country you're in

David Letterman

Times Square is now a pedestrian mall. They have 400 beach chairs in the middle of the street. If you don't get one of those beach chairs, I'll lend you a bag of my hate mail. You can stretch out on that.

In Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the presidential election in a landslide. But there were problems with the ballots in the election. Who would have thought that?

There was a mistake — thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan.

I hope they get this figured out soon because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East.

Craig Ferguson

I've just been elected president of Iran.

I think I'd rather be the queen of West Hollywood.

It's not such a great day for Chicago. They're having the coldest June on record. It's so cold, Dr. Phil is kissing Oprah's ass just to stay warm.

People are wondering how long it will last. Experts are saying the weather will change when Oprah tells it to.

Jimmy Fallon

The results of Iran's presidential election are in: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. His opponent is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. And if that doesn't work, he's going to make a documentary about global warming.

Six Flags, those amusement ride parks, has declared bankruptcy. Their stock dropped to 41 cents a share, then it went up to $20, then down to 45 cents . . . then slowly, way, way up to $30 . . . then straight down to 12 cents.

Then stock holders started to barf. But for $50, they can buy a photo of what their faces looked like when prices started to dive

2009-06-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

CIA's Panetta Backs Off Cheney Terror Attack Claim

CIA Director Leon Panetta has disavowed his statement suggesting former Vice President Dick Cheney wants a terrorist attack against the United States.

"The director does not believe the former vice president wants an attack," CIA spokesman Paul Gimigliano said in a statement to CNN.

"He did not say that. He was simply expressing his profound disagreement with the assertion that President Obama's security policies have made our country less safe. Nor did he question anyone's motives."

The controversy erupted after The New Yorker this week published an interview with Panetta in which he said Cheney's recent criticism of Obama’s national security policy illustrates that the ex-vice president "smells some blood in the water on the national security issue."

Panetta said in the magazine, "It's almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it's almost as if he's wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point."

Cheney responded Monday by saying "I hope my old friend Leon was misquoted. The important thing is whether or not the Obama administration will continue the policies that have kept us safe for the last eight years."

Vice President Joe Biden disagreed with Panetta's comments Sunday, telling NBC "I don't question (Cheney's) motive."

Cheney’s criticism may be influencing Obama’s policy.

For example, the president now opposes the release of photographs showing alleged abuse by U.S. soldiers of prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan. That’s a reversal of Obama’s initial positio

2009-06-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

Ensign Case is 'Extortion' GOP Sources Tell Reporters

Sen. John Ensign made the stunning admission that he'd had an affair with a staffer after the woman's husband asked him for a substantial sum of money.

That's the disclosure from Politico a day after the Nevada Republican's Tuesday statement that he had "violated the vows of marriage" by having the affair.

Fox News is reporting that two sources close to Sen. Ensign described the case as "extortion."

Ensign, 51, did not identify the staffer. But Politico reports that she is 46-year-old Cynthia Hampton, who served as the treasurer for Ensign's re-election campaign.

The affair reportedly took place between December 2007 and August 2008.

Hampton's husband, Douglas Hampton, served as Ensign's administrative assistant in his personal office from November 2006 to May 2008, according to Senate records.

"I deeply regret and am very sorry for my actions," Ensign said at Tuesday's briefing, reading from a prepared statement and leaving without taking questions. Ensign's wife Darlene was not at her husband's side during the short briefing.

Sources told Politico that the affair occurred while Ensign was separated from his wife, but the two have since reconciled.

Ensign is chairman of the GOP Policy Committee, the No. 4 job in the Republican Senate leadership. He served as chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee in 2008, and was considered a rising star in his party.

He does not face re-election until 2012 and had taken preliminary steps to explore a run for the White House that year, making a trip three weeks ago to Iowa, an early caucus state, The Washington Post reported.

Ensign has been a member of the Promises Keepers, a male evangelical organization that promotes marital fidelity.

In 1998, as a House member, he called on President Bill Clinton to resign after revelations about his affair with a White House intern.

2009-06-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

Obama: A Certain Network Attacks Me Too Much

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama says one television network is "entirely devoted to attacking my administration."

Obama didn't name the network during an interview with CNBC on Tuesday, but his administration has often taken issue with Fox News. When the interviewer asked if Obama meant Fox News, the president didn't respond.

Instead, Obama says the unnamed network seldom runs any positive stories about his White House. Obama says the network has a "pretty big megaphone" to attack his views.

Fox television did not carry his most recent prime-time press conference, drawing rebuke from the White House. Fox News did air the event.

The two networks share a parent company but are run independently.

2009-06-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

It’s been reported that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it’s the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter.

Today, the country of Iran is holding its presidential election with four candidates running. Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the 12th century.

Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as “Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.”

Yesterday in New York City, a woman gave birth to a baby girl while waiting on a subway platform. Witnesses say it was the third grossest thing happening on the subway platform.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions Congress Is Receiving About The Digital Switchover

10. If I don't switch over, is my teevee gonna "splode?"

9. Is this 'cuz of the swine flu?

8. Can I still mute "The View"?

7. Will I have to do a digital switchover for my waffle maker also?

6. Any chance this will make Letterman funny?

5. Can you help me? I swallowed my remote

4. Uh . . . is that today?

3. Can you pass a law to bring back "Gunsmoke"?

2. Does this mean Oprah can finally see me watching her?

1. Seriously, shouldn't you idiots be working on the economy?

David Letterman

Today is the day for the big digital changeover for your TV. Everyone's getting ready. As a matter of fact, Dick Cheney hooked up a converter to his pacemaker.

Donald Trump's birthday this weekend. That thing on his head will be wearing a party hat.

They're trying to figure out what to do with the prisoners at Guantanamo. I have an idea: Let's move them in with Jon and Kate. It'll be "Jon & Kate Plus 245."

Craig Ferguson

I heard Prince needs a double hip replacement. Wow. Tonight he's going to party like he just turned 99.

The Olsen twins both turn 23 this weekend. They'll be celebrating like they do every year — they get a birthday cake and don't eat it.

It's a big night in television. Every TV station made the switch to digital. If you don't understand what's happening, you're not alone. It's like trying to understand "Lost" or Paula Abdul.

Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama signed a note for a fourth-grade girl who missed school so she could attend his town hall. I don’t see what the big deal is. Bush wrote notes for fourth graders too — he just called them “speeches.”

Lil Wayne will be the proud father of two new sons from two different women. Yeah — the women were Lil Drunk and Lil Stoned.

Norman Brinker, the man who invented the salad bar, passed away this week. The wake was open-casket but with a sneeze-guard.

They lowered his casket into the ground using giant tongs.

2009-06-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

Ahmadinejad Has Ruined Country

TEHRAN -- The young Iranians cruising noisily around upscale northern Tehran in cars plastered with election posters have only one thing on their minds: denying President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a second term.

Millions of reform-minded Iranians stayed away from the polls in 2005, disillusioned by how hardliners had stymied former President Mohammad Khatami's liberal initiatives.

Ahmadinejad's political fate may well hang on how many of those jaded voters turn out on June 12 - if only to thwart him.

"I will vote, but only because I want to see anyone but Ahmadinejad win. He has ruined the country," said Mina Sedaqati, a 25-year-old sociology student at Tehran University, over coffee and doughnuts with friends in northern Tehran.

More than two-thirds of Iran's 70 million people are aged under 30, making them too young to remember life before the 1979 Islamic revolution that toppled the U.S.-backed Shah.

All four presidential candidates are wooing youthful voters in speeches and campaign messages and have used popular networking and content-sharing sites such as Facebook to target young people.

More than 150,000 Iranians are Facebook members, and young voters make up a huge bloc which helped Khatami win elections in 1997 and 2001. Access to Facebook was blocked for a few days last month, suggesting government concern at its influence.

But analysts say the anti-Ahmadinejad vote is likely to be split between the radical president's two moderate rivals, ex-Prime Minister Mirhossein Mousavi and former parliament speaker Mehdi Karoubi.

Karoubi, the only cleric in the race, has even met one of Iran's best-known underground rap singers, Sasy Mankan.

Mousavi and Karoubi's posters adorn the cars of the middle-class youngsters eager to stop Ahmadinejad out of fear he will lead Iran on a collision course with the West and further erode social freedom.

Ahmadinejad also faces a conservative challenger in Mohsen Rezai, a former Revolutionary Guard chief, but the president has his own support base among young people who admire his defiant nuclear rhetoric, simple lifestyle and devotion to Islam, as well as his pledges of social justice.

"I will vote for Ahmadinejad because his policies in the past four years have been a return to the fundamental values of the Islamic revolution," said Mohammad Reza Baqeri, 24, a member of the Basij, a religious militia group, who criticized previous governments for neglecting the poor.

"Ahmadinejad is a hero. He stood against those who were Iran's enemies for years, but in return he befriended other nations," said the religious studies graduate, referring to ties the president has forged with U.S. adversaries such as Venezuela and Bolivia.

An Iranian political analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of Iranian politics, described the election as a referendum on Ahmadinejad. "Some people, especially among the young, are for him and some are only voting to prevent his re-election," he said.

POST-REVOLUTIONARY GENERATION

Ahmadinejad swept to power in 2005, promising to share oil wealth among ordinary Iranians, and has frequently toured the provinces distributing loans and development projects.

Reformists and even some conservatives say the president has failed to keep his promises, blaming him for rising unemployment and high inflation, which is hovering around 18 percent.

But Iran's most powerful figure, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has repeatedly praised Ahmadinejad's government and urged people to vote for an anti-Western candidate.

That seeming endorsement could rally conservatives behind Ahmadinejad - but could also backfire if protest voters seize the chance to defy Iran's clerical establishment.

Ahmadinejad's four-year term has seen a crackdown on reformist student activists and renewed efforts by the feared "morality police" to enforce what they deem Islamic behavior.

"How can I feel safe when the president of a country allows the arrest of women for what they wear?" Sedeqati asked, wearing a red loose headscarf.

The political analyst said Ahmadinejad had alienated large sections of the electorate. "The imposed restrictions have mobilized youth and women against him. They are afraid that his re-election will pressure them more."

No one knows if such sentiments will be enough to overcome the political apathy shown by these groups since the eight-year Khatami era ended with little to show for his reformist drive.

"All hopes, such as social and political reforms, created under Khatami are shattered," Sedaqati said.

Khatami had planned to run again, but then withdrew in favor of Mousavi. He won landslide presidential votes in 1997 and 2001, and pushed for detente with the West and for a freer Iran. But hardliners who had kept hold of security agencies and other levers of power blocked many of his reform attempts.

In the late 1990s students formed a bastion of support for Khatami, but many lost heart when reforms failed to materialize.

"Iranian youth have lost their spirit and livelihood since 2005," said Sedaqati.

2009-06-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Finally some good news from the American auto industry. Fiat, which took over Chrysler this week, says it plans to build its cars with American, not Italian, workers. Fiat says it got the idea from the Olive Garden.

A top Republican is angry that Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor belongs to an elite private group. The top Republican is angry and so is everyone at his country club.

Political experts say that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is expected to endorse what he calls a “two-state solution” where Israelis and Palestinians live side-by-side but have no contact. Netanyahu said, “It’ll be just like being married to a Jewish woman.”

Recently, Michael Phelps released a children's book he wrote called "How to Train With a T-Rex and Win 8 Gold Medals." Then he wrote another book called, “How to Make a Bong Out of a Milk Carton.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Regis Philbin Is Not on the Show Tonight

10. I'm not available.

9. I'm out of town.

8. Just not interested.

7. You know, I never really cared for this show.

6. I'm waiting for the exterminator.

5. I gotta do a thing – anything.

4. I'm just not a fan.

3. It's the digital TV switchover.

2. Honestly, I don’t feel like it.

1. Frankly, it’s none of your business.

Late Show with David Letterman
If you have an old TV, tomorrow it won't work unless you digitalize it. You've got to get a converter thing, and a lot of people are confused about this. For example, earlier today, John McCain was confused. He wanted to know, after the conversion, will his tv dinners still work?

Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he's running for re-election. Have you seen this guy? Looks like the kind of guy that tries to get to you buy a cell phone you don't need. He looks like one of those guys that would be wearing a member's only jacket. He looks like one of those guys they drag away every week on ‘Dateline.’

Well, it's been a busy week here on the Late Show. Earlier in the week, I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin. I was telling jokes about her family and stuff. She got really upset. And I think everything's fine now. I think everything's going to be great because she called today and invited to take me hunting.

Jimmy Fallon

Karl Rove called the New York Times’ Maureen Dowd a “bitter, twisted, deranged columnist,” -- and a “dour, downbeat liberal” - and more - a “nasty, snarky person.” Hey - get a room!

Venezuela has banned the sale of Coke Zero because of unspecified health risks. And still not banned in Venezuela: actual coke.

According to the Congressional budget office deficit hit a record 189 billion dollars in May. Or as it’s known here in New York – Four Yankee Tickets.

Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my mother get in Congress?

2009-06-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

Obama Firing AmeriCorps IG for Probe of Friend

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama plans to fire the inspector general who investigates AmeriCorps and other national service programs amid a controversy between the IG and Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson, who is an Obama supporter and former NBA basketball star.

The IG, Gerald Walpin, was criticized by the U.S. attorney in Sacramento for the way he handled an investigation of Johnson and his nonprofit group, which received hundreds of thousands of dollars in federal grants from the Corporation for National Community Service. The corporation runs the AmeriCorps program.

On Thursday, Obama said in a letter to Congress that he had lost confidence in Walpin. Neither the president nor deputy White House press secretary Josh Earnest would give details.

The president must give Congress 30 days' notice before removing Walpin, who is being suspended with pay for the 30 days.

Sen. Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, criticized the White House's reluctance to specify why Walpin is being fired. Grassley pointed to a Senate committee report that says the requirement to notify Congress when an IG is removed is designed to ensure that inspectors general are not removed for political reasons.

The report accompanied an IG reform law passed by Congress last year. Grassley said Walpin had identified millions of dollars in AmeriCorps funds that were wasted or misspent.

"For obvious reasons, we won't get into details of a personnel decision like this, but I can tell you that the president lost confidence in Mr. Walpin's performance," Earnest said. "The president will appoint a replacement in whom he has full confidence as the corporation carries out its important mission."

Walpin serves at the pleasure of the president, the corporation said.

Messages left for Walpin seeking comment were not immediately returned.

The IG found that Johnson, a former all-star point guard for the Phoenix Suns, had used AmeriCorps grants to pay volunteers to engage in school-board political activities, run personal errands for Johnson and even wash his car.

In August 2008, Walpin referred the matter to the local U.S. attorney's office, which said the IG's conclusions seemed overstated and did not accurately reflect all the information gathered in the investigation.

"We also highlighted numerous questions and further investigation they needed to conduct, including the fact that they had not done an audit to establish how much AmeriCorps money was actually misspent," the U.S. attorney's office said in an April 29 letter to the federal counsel of inspectors general.

Walpin's office made repeated public comments just before the Sacramento mayoral election, prompting the U.S. attorney's office to inform the media that it did not intend to file any criminal charges.

The U.S. attorney's office reached a settlement in the matter. Brown cited press accounts that said Johnson and the nonprofit would repay half of nearly $850,000 in grants it received.

Ken Bach, who works in the inspector general's office at the corporation, will be acting inspector general until Obama appoints someone to the position.

Walpin, a New York attorney, was appointed by President George W. Bush and sworn into office in January 2007 after being confirmed by the Senate, according to a news release on AmeriCorps' Web site. Walpin graduated from College of the City of New York in 1952 and received a law degree in 1955 from Yale Law School. He was a partner with the New York City law firm Katten Muchin and Rosenman LLP for more than 40 years.

On Wednesday night, Alan Solomont, a Democrat and the board chairman of the government-run corporation, and Stephen Goldsmith, a Republican and the board's vice chair, said they backed the president's decision.

In a written statement, Solomont and Goldsmith said: "We strongly endorse the president's decision with respect to Inspector General Gerald Walpin. We look forward to working with a new inspector general."

2009-06-11T01:28:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Historic day for the auto industry. Today, Chrysler was taken over by Fiat. Today the new CEO said, “going forward we intend to build on Chrysler’s culture of innovation.” Then he laughed for 3 straight hours.

President Obama has put healthcare back in the news. President Obama says he wants to create a national healthcare plan that’s both affordable and easy to use. The insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with Congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use.

As you all know, two US reporters have been imprisoned in North Korea and now President Obama is considering sending Al Gore to negotiate their release. After hearing the Al Gore threat, North Korea gave up the reporters and their nuclear program.

Former President George H.W. Bush will celebrate his 85th birthday by once again going skydiving. His son, George W. Bush will celebrate his father’s birthday the way he always does: giving him a World’s Greatest Dad mug and making him a macaroni necklace.

David Letterman

Have you folks seen the blockbuster summer movie 'Hangover?' The movie is about what happens after a wild night of drinking. And, you know, I did that once, where you wake up and you realize you'd done something. That was a couple of months ago – I got married. 'Hangover,' by the way – now here's a little confusion. Don't confuse 'Hangover' with a film about Donald Trump – it's called 'Combover.'

I am in so much trouble – the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me ‘pathetic.’ Yep, that's right. Honestly, I haven't been called pathetic – well, since the honeymoon, actually. But I won't kid you. I was feeling a little depressed when I heard that the governor was mad at me and called me pathetic. And to cheer myself up, I went out and spent $150,000 on clothes. And I was thinking about this – great. My luck. I pissed off a hunter.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in a tight race but today he got some great news for the campaign – he was endorsed by Mel Gibson. Ahmadinejad may lose his job, and the korean dictator Kim Jong-il is stepping down, and before you know it, the only tiny – because these guys are all petite guys – the only small control freaks left in the world will be, like, well, I guess, Tom Cruise.

According to a tracking agency, President Obama invokes the name Jesus more frequently now than did George Bush for the same amount of time in his presidency. I bet it's true. Because, if you think about it, Obama is always saying, 'Jesus, why did I run for president?'

Jimmy Fallon

Edward Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new chairman of General Motors. I’m not sure about his business plan – he’s giving away free cars on nights and weekends. In an interview the new chairman actually said, "I don't know anything about cars.” I respect that. He’s keeping up the GM tradition.

Kim Jong-il said that – if provoked – North Korea would not hesitate to use it’s nuclear weapons in a “merciless offensive.” I just hope no one is stupid enough to provoke that fat, little weirdo.

Scientists have created a mathematical formula that can be used as a “cosmic pregnancy test” to predict the birth of new stars in the galaxy. The only problem is that it's really hard to get the universe to pee on a stick.

Cops in France are searching for a thief who stole a notebook full of Picasso’s sketches. The thief should be easy to find—he has just one eye and his foot is on his forehead.

2009-06-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

Rev. Wright: 'Them Jews Won't Let Obama Talk to Me'

Rev. Jeremiah Wright, longtime pastor of Barack Obama's former Chicago church, has sparked new controversy by claiming "them Jews" won't let him speak to Obama.

Attending the Hampton University Ministers' Conference in Virginia, Wright said in an interview on Tuesday that he had not spoken with Obama since he became president

The former pastor of Trinity United Church of Christ told Virginia's Daily Press: "Them Jews ain't going to let him talk to me. I told my baby daughter that he'll talk to me in five years when he's a lame duck, or in eight years when he's out of office . . .

"They will not let him talk to somebody who calls a spade what it is."

Wright said Obama should have sent an American delegation to the recent World Conference on Racism in Switzerland, but chose not to do so for fear of offending Jews and Israel. The U.S. and several other countries boycotted the conference in large part because it was viewed as anti-Israel.

"Ethnic cleansing is going on in Gaza," Wright declared. "Ethnic cleansing (by) the Zionist is a sin and a crime against humanity, and they don't want Barack talking like that because that's anti-Israel."

Richard Gordon, chairman of the Community Relations Commission of the United Jewish Community Center, told the Daily Press: "My impression is that Barack Obama . . . is doing what he thinks is in the best interest of the country, and his advisers are telling him the best way to accomplish that.

"It would also be my opinion that he wants to distance himself from Rev. Wright because of these spurious and ridiculous accusations that he consistently and persistently makes."

On the Sunday following 9/11, Wright characterized the terrorist attacks as a consequence of violent American policies. Four years later, Wright suggested that the attacks were retribution for America’s racism.

Wright has said America created the AIDS virus to kill off blacks. He gave an award for lifetime achievement to Louis Farrakhan. He has equated Zionism with racism and has compared Israel with South Africa under its previous policy of apartheid.

Obama resigned from Trinity United in May after nearly 20 years as a member. Rev. Wright had retired as senior pastor several months earlier.

In his interview with the Daily Press, Rev. Wright said he did vote for Obama but added: "He made mistakes. He made bad choices. I've got kids who listen to their friends. He listened to those around him. I did not disown him."

Rev. William Curtis, president of the Ministries Conference, said: "Dr. Wright is a part of the church and he is a friend of the church and his views are personal. And they don't represent the statements and views of the entire African-American pulpit."

2009-06-10T01:31:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

Speaking of President Obama—Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay Wisconsin. Half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American and the other half had never seen a skinny person.

Little upsetting—Yesterday, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle – and she’s expected to be on crutches for several weeks. In a related story, Republicans have announced that Sotomayor’s confirmation hearing will consist of 3 questions – and a timed obstacle course.

In a recent interview, the Octomom says she apologized to the man who was her sperm donor. Next up, she’ll give an even bigger apology to her uterus.

Jon and Kate Gosselin of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" celebrated their 100th episode by having celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse over to cook dinner. Things got a little tense when Kate asked Emeril how to make chicken cacciatore and Jon asked Emeril how to make a bitch shut up.

Dunkin Donuts has announced a new donut flavor called, “Toffee for your Coffee.” Apparently this narrowly beat out the flavor, “Molasses for your Big Asses.”

2009-06-09T05:24:00.000-07:00

Obama Breeds Climate of Hate Against Jews

Our new president did not tell a virulent anti-Semite to travel to the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington to kill Jews, but he is most certainly creating a climate of hate against us.

It is no coincidence that we are witnessing this level of hatred toward Jews as President Barack Obama positions America against the Jewish state.

Just days ago Obama traveled to Cairo, Egypt. It was his second trip in a short time to visit Muslim countries. He sent a clear message by not visiting Israel.

But this was code.

In Cairo, Obama said things that pose a grave danger to Jews in Israel, in America and everywhere.

And if his views are not vigorously opposed they will help create a danger as great as that posed by the Nazis to the Jewish people.

Just last week, Obama told his worldwide audience — more than 100 million people — that the killing of six million Jews during the Holocaust was the equivalent of Israel’s actions in dealing with the Palestinians.

This remark is incredible on its face, an insult to the six million Jews who died as a result of Hitler’s genocide — and it is a form of revisionism that will bode evil for Jews for years to come.

While Obama acknowledged that “six million Jews were killed — more than the entire Jewish population of Israel today” — his discussion about the Holocaust was followed by this statement: “On the other hand, it is also undeniable that the Palestinian people — Muslims and Christians — have suffered in pursuit of a homeland.”

“On the other hand . . . ”?

Obama’s clever construct comparing the mass genocide of six million Jews to the Palestinian struggle will not be lost on the estimated 100 million Muslims who tuned into to hear him.

Perhaps it was not lost on James W. von Brunn, the 88-year-old white supremacist identified as the alleged attacker Wednesday at the Holocaust Museum. He apparently felt that he could easily take retribution against the Jews for the atrocities Obama implies they are guilty of.

At first blush Mr. Obama’s speech seemed rosy, optimistic — one that espoused tolerance and understanding.

If you scratch the surface it is a dangerous document that history will view as a turning point for America and Israel — one that will lead to dangerous times ahead for both Jews and believing Christians.

The immediate danger posed by Obama’s speech is in its incredible re-writing of the history of Jews, Christians and Muslims from Medieval times to the present.

Obama, continually throughout his speech, talks of Islam’s peaceful intent. And while there are certainly Koranic verses that support this interpretation, Islam has a long and bloody history of violence against fellow Muslims, Jews and Christians.

Has Obama not heard about the Muslim’s violent conquest of the Middle East, Spain and half of Western Europe? Was he never taught that the Crusades sought to turn back this Muslim onslaught that demanded subjugated populations convert or die?

In his almost hour-long speech, there is not a single word about Islam’s well known and checkered past.

Ironically, the American president offered plenty of references to what he sees are America’s evils, such as its “colonialism” and history of slavery.

“For centuries, black people in America suffered the lash of the whip as slaves and the humiliation of segregation,” Obama told his audience, citing a litany of American shortcomings. He failed to mention that Arab Muslims were the greatest slave traders in the history of humanity.

According to Obama, Israelis, too, are guilty of wrongdoing, especially when it comes to their supposed maltreatment of the Palestinians.

Isn’t it odd an American president would go to a foreign country and slander his own country and its long-time ally?

At the same time he praises — unconditionally — a religion and culture that has a long history of being antithetical to the very values that have made America a great nation?

Mr. Obama even has the unbelievable gall, when talking about the treatment of Muslim women, to condemn Western countries for attempting to stop Muslim women from using the full facial cover, or hijab. This is a symbol of Muslim subjugation of women.

Listen to what Obama said: “Likewise, it is important for Western countries to avoid impeding Muslim citizens from practicing religion as they see fit - for instance, by dictating what clothes a Muslim woman should wear.”

And Obama not only ignores the gross subjugation of women in many Arab societies — he does not mention even once the almost total religious intolerance throughout the Muslim world against Christians and Jews.

In his speech, Obama’s only plea for Muslim women living in Muslim countries is that they should be afforded an education.

How about a discussion of the beheading of Arab women for “crimes” such as adultery? How about the malicious treatment of women in Muslim countries who choose not to wear the hijab?

Obama insists that Islam has promoted tolerance and that in Islamic societies such ideals have flourished.

Obama claimed that “as a student of history” he understands more than most the truth about “civilization's debt to Islam.”

He added, “And throughout history, Islam has demonstrated through words and deeds the possibilities of religious tolerance and racial equality.”

Does he not know that a Jew or Christian would be beheaded in Saudi Arabia for practicing their religion today, now, this minute?

Of course, Obama offers not one example of where religious freedom is truly tolerated in the Muslim world. Yet, he proudly told his audience that in every state of the union and throughout the U.S. there exist more than 1,200 mosques.

But why, Mr. President, is there no Christian Church or Jewish synagogue operating within the borders of Saudi Arabia? Not even one.

Why in many countries, including your host Egypt, Christian churches have suffered vicious and continual persecution? Why is a once vibrant Cairo Jewish community — a home for the likes of Maimonides — today practically extinct?

Why, dear president, has the ancient Christian community in the West Bank and places like Bethlehem been almost completely wiped out by the modern Muslim onslaught?

“On the other hand,” to quote you Mr. President, you avoided mentioning some other truths.

Let’s start with the Israeli Arabs who can claim one of the highest standards of living in the Arab world. Indeed, they have more rights than Arabs in any Muslim country, their religious freedom is completely protected, and they even vote in free elections.

Tell me what Muslim country matches Israel’s record in protecting its minorities?

Even Arabs in the West Bank, during the time of Israeli control, saw their standard of living rise dramatically. Today, Arabs there are among the best educated in the world, thanks to Israel.

In your revisionist view, Israel has acted to harm these people. But it was not Israel that could not abide by United Nations resolutions clearly setting borders for both the state of Israel and an entity that had never existed before named Palestine.

You cleverly omitted any discussion of these facts, or the continual attacks against the state of Israel over six decades by its Muslim neighbors. Nor is it the Israelis who persecute from time to time the Coptic Christians of Egypt.

No, Mr. President, I do not accept your assertion that you are seeking religious tolerance or that you are seeking to protect Jews. I do not accept it because you are inventing a false history to fit your own agenda.

Mr. President, I am deeply disturbed that you would offer such a distortion of truth in the hopes of creating a lasting peace. A lasting peace cannot be created out of lies, distortions and half truths.

You profess to be a Christian. But you seem more intent on protecting Muslims. In your speech you talked openly of your Muslim heritage, your admiration of their way of life, and so forth. You said in your speech that you have made one of your chief aims of your presidency repairing the image of Islam.

Why did you hide these views from the American public during the recent presidential campaign?

Why, as president, did you fully bow to the Saudi king, who refuses to allow any religious freedom for any Christian or Jew?

You have made clear, by your words and assertions, that you are re-positioning the United States away from Israel, America’s lone democratic ally in the Mid-East.

You have made clear through your statements and those of your minions that Israel should, under no circumstances, prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons.

And yes, you have promised to retaliate against Iran if it ever attacks Israel with nuclear weapons.

But you know full well that if Iran succeeds in its admitted goal of “wiping the Jewish state off the map” — and hits this tiny nation with nuclear warheads — there will be no Israel for the U.S. to retaliate on behalf of.

Some Jews may be naïve, but we are not stupid.

2009-06-09T01:42:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

This morning, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle at La Guardia Airport. If she’s confirmed, the first case she’ll hear is “Sotomayor versus La Guardia Airport.”

Yesterday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sent a stern warning to North Korea to stop their belligerent actions. Her exact quote was, “Don’t make me get all Hillary on your ass.”

A new study says that this year airlines could lose up to $9 billion dollars. Apparently the airlines are going to lose the $9 billion dollars by putting it in a suitcase and checking it.

The family of a Michigan woman brought her to a McDonald’s to celebrate her 100th birthday. It was basically the family’s way of saying, “Grandma, you’ve lived long enough.”

Paris Hilton’s in the news. Paris Hilton is denying rumors that she stripped naked at a Las Vegas party and then danced for a group of wealthy businessmen. Paris said, “They weren’t businessmen, they were plumbers.”

Jimmy Fallon

For the first time in 30 years, Saudis are allowed to go to the movies this weekend. There’s a few movies to choose from: Turban Cowboy, The Taking of Hostages 1, 2, and 3, He's Just Not That Into You Driving, or Tyler Perry’s: Madea Goes to Jail for Showing Her Ankles.

Two doctors in Tennessee have invented a device that improves your posture by giving you a small electric zap every time you slouch. The device is called “Your Mother-with-a-Taser”

Figure skater Michelle Kwan graduated from the University of Denver on Saturday with a degree in international studies. She finished with a GPA of 4.0, 4.0, 3.9, 4.0, and from the Russian judge… 2.6.

Happy Birthday to Joan Rivers, she turned 76 today. And Happy 10th Birthday to Joan's eyelids.

2009-06-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

Biden Goofs On Cars Using Hudson Rail Tunnel

TRENTON, N.J. -- Vice President Joe Biden is off track about the nation's largest transportation project.

When questioned by The Record of Bergen County about the Hudson River rail tunnel during a conference call on Monday, Biden told the New Jersey newspaper the tunnel "is designed to provide for automobile traffic."

However, the tunnel will only handle commuter trains that shuttle passengers between New Jersey and Manhattan.

Biden's office said Tuesday the vice president misheard the question.

Biden's press secretary, Elizabeth Alexander, says the vice president is a big proponent of rail and worked hard to boost funding for the project.

Officials broke ground on the $8.7 billion project on Monday.

2009-06-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

Playboy Writer Targets Conservative Women

A writer for Playboy magazine lists 10 conservative women that he says are worthy of an anger-fueled sex act.

"There is a way to reach across the aisle without letting principles fall by the wayside. ... We may despise everything these women represent, but ... they’re hot. Let the healing begin," wrote Guy Cimbalo.

Rep. Michele Bachmann

Michelle Malkin

Megyn Kelly

Mary Katharine Ham

Amanda Carpenter

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Dana Perino

Laura Ingraham

Pamela Geller

Peggy Noonan

Playboy's Web site has pulled the article.

2009-06-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

-President Obama gave an historic speech yesterday in Egypt. President Obama impressed listeners by beginning his speech with the traditional Islamic greeting, "assalaamu alaykum.” It was especially impressive, because a year ago, President Bush opened with “Shalom, Amigos

-President Obama gave a speech at Egypt’s Cairo University. The crowd at Cairo University loved Obama’s speech – especially the joke he made about their rival Cairo State.

-Today is National Donut Day. Or as Kirstie Alley calls it, “Friday.”

-Big entertainment news—it’s being reported that a movie version of the classic board game “Battleship” is in the works. Producers say the “Battleship” movie will capture all the excitement of a letter and number being read aloud.

-Paula Abdul is in the news. Paula Abdul is still negotiating her ‘American Idol' contract. It could take a while, because she’s negotiating it with the voices in her head and a lamppost.

-This is big ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow the Post Office is giving the area around Dodger Stadium its own zip code and renaming it Dodgertown. They’re also going to rename the area around where the Clippers play, “Suckville”.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs

10. Octomom babysitter

9. Mel Gibson divorce lawyer

8. Assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh

7. Susan Boyle groomer

6. Second assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh

5. Dick Cheney hunting buddy (4th year on the list)

4. 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' marriage counselor

3. No number 3 - writer left to work for Conan

2. General Motors CEO

1. Proofreader for George W. Bush's memoir

David Letterman

“President Obama is continuing his World tour. Yesterday he was in Egypt. Did you see that? He visited the pyramids of Giza and called them “awe-inspiring.” That was an improvement over President Bush’s tour of the pyramids - he called them “pointy.”

“Happy Birthday to Kenny G, who turned 53 today. He had a huge birthday party in one of New York’s hottest elevators. ”

“The season premiere of “Weeds” is this Monday. Or if you’re in college, it premieres tonight, tomorrow morning, maybe after English class, or in your friend’s basement.”

“A nude photo of Carla Bruni – the first lady of France – sold at an auction Thursday for over $19,000. The buyer reportedly said (in Bill Clinton voice) “Worth. Every. Penny.””

“The 63rd Annual Tony Awards are this Sunday – right across the street at Radio City Music Hall. It’s exciting - old gay people have already started tailgating.” “Instead of frisbees, they toss around Barbra Streisand Records.” “Doing shots of sparkling JagerMeister.” “I saw one guy funneling white Zinfandel.”

“Congratulations to Randy Johnson for winning his 300th game last night. He’s 45 years old and still pitching. Amazing. He's also leads the league in Runs to the Bathroom.”

“Today is National Doughnut Day. And tomorrow of course, is National “I can’t see my own penis” Day.”

“Did you see that new video of Britney Spears' 2- and 3-year-old sons dancing to her song "Toxic?” It’s super cute. But you can tell Kevin Federline’s their Dad - halfway through the song they stop dancing - and ask Britney for money.”

2009-06-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan O'Brien

On Tuesday, NBC’s news special “Inside the Obama White House” was watched by 9 million people. Historians say it was the most revealing look behind the scenes at the White House since Bill Clinton set up a secret Web cam.

Yesterday President Barack Obama met the King of Saudi Arabia, who kissed Obama twice. Obama says he hasn’t got this kind of treatment since he met Keith Olbermann.

It’s being reported that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is in the process of deciding who’s going to be his successor, and the most likely person is his youngest son Kim Jong Un. Kim Jong Un says he’s excited, but he realizes he’s got some awfully big women’s sunglasses to fill.

Today is the 20-year anniversary of the Tiananmen Square protests. Or as the Chinese government refers to it, the "nothing happened day."

David Letterman

I really need caller ID. Last night my mother called . . . she said, "Daaaavid. I was going through the channels looking for Jay Leno and I stumbled across you."

In New York, you can now share a cab with strangers. I saw two strangers sharing a cab just today. One was taking the tires; the other was taking the radio.

Sharing a ride with strangers? Don't we already have this? It's called carjacking.

How about Eliot Spitzer. Do you remember him? He was the governor of New York for a while, then it turned out he enjoyed whores. But it turns out he was doing this all over the country. When I heard this, I was outraged. I mean, what, New York hookers aren't good enough for you?

Craig Ferguson

President Obama is in Egypt. He took a tour of the pyramids, those massive structures that longer serve any function, and he offered them a bailout.

Scientists have discovered they can track migrating penguins from space. They follow their poop trails using satellites. It's the same way the Secret Service tracks Joe Biden.

Today is Hug Your Cat Day. I'm on to you, cats. When your owners die, you're going to eat them.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It's NBA Finals night. The Lakers and Magic do battle tonight. President Obama is said to be monitoring the situation . . .

He said he hopes both sides will act with restraint and, of course, work towards peace.

He was in Egypt today, addressing the Muslim world at Cairo University. Reactions to his speech were mixed: Some said, "Death to America!" others said, "Die, American dogs!"

Iranians dismissed his speech as "all talk." Well . . . it was a speech . . .

Jimmy Fallon

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia met with President Obama and gave him a large shiny medallion on a thick gold chain. Obama said, “Thank you, but I think you have me confused with Flava Flav.”

In Egypt President Obama gave a historic speech at Cairo University. The speech was translated into 13 languages and posted on Twitter, MySpace, and Facebook . . . and it was misspelled on all of them.

The U.S. government accidentally released a confidential list of the exact location of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have no idea who was responsible . . . Really!? it was Joe Biden, OK? It was Biden.

The IRS says that John Kerry’s 2004 presidential campaign owes over $800,000 in back taxes. I guess that explains the long face.

2009-05-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Sotomayor 'Reverse Racist, Hack'

Rush Limbaugh blasted President Barack Obama’s Supreme Court pick Tuesday, calling Judge Sonia Sotomayor a “reverse racist” and a “hack.”

“Here you have a racist — you might want to soften that, and you might want to say a reverse racist,” Limbaugh said on his show. He was referring to a now notorious statement of Sotomayor’s in which she said that a “wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life.”

Liberals, "of course, say that minorities cannot be racists because they don't have the power to implement their racism,” said Limbaugh, whose remarks were later reported by Politico. “Well, those days are gone, because reverse racists certainly do have the power. ... Obama is the greatest living example of a reverse racist, and now he's appointed one.”

Limbaugh was not optimistic that Republicans would muster the will to back a filibuster of the candidate.

“The odds that she could be stopped are long,” Limbaugh said. He called moderate Republicans like former Secretary of State Colin Powell “completely useless” in the fight against Obama’s pick.

“When the rubber hits the road, such as in this nomination, where are these moderate Republican groups on the nomination? Where are the moderate senators? Where is Colin Powell? Where is Tom Ridge?” Limbaugh asked.

“I'm the one doing the heavy lifting. Colin Powell panders to moderate Republicans,” he said. “If the moderates in the Republican Party offer no way to address this danger, then they are useless

2009-05-27T01:34:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been going at each other all week. It’s like big-time wrestling. It’s like charisma vs. arrhythmia.

I can’t believe Dick Cheney. He keeps giving speeches, and he’s appearing on TV news shows. It’s like he thinks he’s still president.

Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim that the CIA lied to her, but Pelosi remained tight-lipped . . . she also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eye-lidded.

In fact, before she left, Pelosi told the press she's not going to have any further comment on this whole controversy about the CIA. That's it. No more talking, she's not going to say another word. Why can’t we get this deal with Joe Biden?

Craig Ferguson

Happy Memorial Day. I have to work because CBS won't let me have the day off. Memorial Day is CBS Latin for "Make the immigrant work the holiday."

I wonder what President Obama did this weekend for Memorial Day. He probably spent the day with the new pet: throwing him sticks, watching him slobber and get all excited . . . what's the pet's name? Oh — Joe Biden.

Memorial Day is an important day of remembrance. It originally was called Decoration Day. How do we celebrate it? Sales on mattresses.

Jimmy Fallon

North Korea detonated an underground nuclear weapon today. So I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi is going to debate climate change with the Chinese. She'll do fine — these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first.

Honolulu just conducted the first-ever, all-digital elections. No voting booths. People cast their votes online or by phone. Everyone should congratulate Honolulu's new mayor — a piano-playing cat.

2009-05-27T01:29:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

The big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is Federal Appeals Judge Sonia Sotomayor. A Latino woman. You know what that means — Ruth Bader Ginsburg will no longer be the hot chick on the court.

If confirmed she would be the country’s first Hispanic justice. Her first order of business? Deporting Lou Dobbs.

The Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama say he might appoint a minority, they said, “Oh great, a Republican!” Then they realized.

Judge Sotomayor seemed overwhelmed today. She said it really won’t sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails. Then she knows . . .

Craig Ferguson

"Night at the Museum" made a bazillion dollars over the weekend. There's a sex museum in Amsterdam — I hope that's where they make the next one.

I would hate to actually spend a real night in a museum. All those ancient fossils and dusty old bones . . . if I wanted that I'd watch "60 Minutes."

The museum I do like is Madam Tussauds Wax Museum in London. There's a figure of Sean Connery that's very lifelike. You can tell it's fake only because he's holding a drink that still has some left in it.

Jimmy Fallon

President Obama has nominated Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice on the Supreme Court. Obama said it will help keep the court from leaning too far to the white.

She grew up in the Bronx. She said, "Don't be fooled by the robes I got, I'm still Sonia from the block."

North Korea test-fired two missiles after they detonated a nuclear bomb. OK North Korea we get it — you have a small penis.

In West Virginia, a clown returning from a kid's party was arrested for drunk driving. Police say he tried to turn the breathalizer into a giraffe.

2009-05-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

North Korea Threatens War Against U.S., South Korea

SEOUL, South Korea -- North Korea threatened military action Wednesday against U.S. and South Korean warships plying the waters near the Koreas' disputed maritime border, raising the specter of a naval clash just days after the regime's underground nuclear test.

Pyongyang, reacting angrily to Seoul's decision to join an international program to intercept ships suspected of aiding nuclear proliferation, called the move tantamount to a declaration of war.

"Now that the South Korean puppets were so ridiculous as to join in the said racket and dare declare a war against compatriots," North Korea is "compelled to take a decisive measure," the Committee for the Peaceful Reunification of Korea said in a statement carried by state media.

Seoul's decision comes at a time when "the state of military confrontation is growing acute and there is constant danger of military conflict," the statement warned.

South Korea's military said Wednesday it was prepared to "respond sternly" to any North Korean provocation.

North Korea's latest belligerence comes as the U.N. Security Council debates how to punish the regime for testing a nuclear bomb Monday in what President Barack Obama called a "blatant violation" of international law.

Ambassadors from the five permanent veto-wielding council members - the United States, Russia, China, Britain and France - as well as Japan and South Korea were working out the details of a new resolution.

South Korea, divided from the North by a heavily fortified border, had responded to the nuclear test by joining the Proliferation Security Initiative, a U.S.-led network of nations seeking to stop ships from transporting the materials used in nuclear bombs.

Seoul previously resisted joining the PSI in favor of seeking reconciliation with Pyongyang, but pushed those efforts aside Monday after the nuclear test in the northeast.

North Korea warned Wednesday that any attempt to stop, board or inspect its ships would constitute a "grave violation."

The regime also said it could no longer promise the safety of U.S. and South Korean warships and civilian vessels in the waters near the Korea's western maritime border.

"They should bear in mind that the (North) has tremendous military muscle and its own method of strike able to conquer any targets in its vicinity at one stroke or hit the U.S. on the raw, if necessary," it said.

The maritime border has long been a flashpoint between the two Koreas. North Korea disputes the line unilaterally drawn by the United Nations at the end of the Koreas' three-year war in 1953, and has demanded it be redrawn further south.

The truce signed in 1953 and subsequent military agreements call for both sides to refrain from warfare, but doesn't cover the waters off the west coast.

North Korea has used the maritime border dispute to provoke two deadly naval skirmishes _ in 1999 and 2002.

On Wednesday, the regime promised "unimaginable and merciless punishment" for anyone daring to challenge its ships.

Pyongyang also reportedly restarted its weapons-grade nuclear plant, South Korean media said.

The Chosun Ilbo newspaper said U.S. spy satellites detected signs of steam at the North's Yongbyon nuclear complex, an indication it may have started reprocessing nuclear fuel. The report, which could not be confirmed, quoted an unidentified government official. South Korea's Yonhap news agency also carried a similar report.

The move would be a major setback for efforts aimed at getting North Korea to disarm.

North Korea had stopped reprocessing fuel rods as part of an international deal. In 2007, it agreed to disable the Yongbyon reactor in exchange for aid and demolished a cooling tower at the complex.

The North has about 8,000 spent fuel rods which, if reprocessed, could allow it to harvest 13 to 18 pounds (six to eight kilograms) of plutonium _ enough to make at least one nuclear bomb, experts said. North Korea is believed to have enough plutonium for at least a half dozen atomic bombs.

Further ratcheting up tensions, North Korea test-fired five short-range missiles over the past two days, South Korean officials confirmed.

A North Korean newspaper, Minju Joson, said in commentary Wednesday that Pyongyang does not fear repercussions for its actions.

"It is a laughable delusion for the United States to think that it can get us to kneel with sanctions," it said. "We've been living under U.S. sanctions for decades, but have firmly safeguarded our ideology and system while moving our achievements forward. The U.S. sanctions policy toward North Korea is like striking a rock with a rotten egg."

2009-05-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

Sotomayor Majority Opinions Reversed 60% by Supreme Court

With Judge Sonia Sotomayor already facing questions over her 60 percent reversal rate, the Supreme Court could dump another problem into her lap next month if, as many legal analysts predict, the court overturns one of her rulings upholding a race-based employment decision.

Three of the five majority opinions Judge Sotomayor wrote for the 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals and the Supreme Court reviewed were reversed, providing a potent line of attack opponents raised Tuesday after President Obama announced he will nominate the 54-year-old Hispanic woman to the high court.

"Her high reversal rate alone should be enough for us to pause and take a good look at her record. Frankly, it is the Senates duty to do so," said Wendy Wright, president of Concerned Women for America.

But opponents have an uphill battle.

Judge Sotomayor has been confirmed for the federal bench twice: unanimously in 1992, when President George H.W. Bush nominated her to a district court, and by a vote of 67-29 in 1998, after President Clinton nominated her to the appeals court. Seven Republicans who voted for her in 1997 are still in the Senate, and White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said "they're certainly well positioned to support her again."

Mr. Gibbs dismissed questions about Judge Sotomayor's reversal rate, saying she wrote 380 majority opinions during her 11 years on the appeals court. Of those 380 opinions, the Supreme Court heard five of the cases and overturned her on three.

"The totality of the record is one that's more important to look at, rather than, like I said, some out-of-context or clipped way of looking at it," Mr. Gibbs said.

While Democratic senators were quick to back Judge Sotomayor, Republicans took a wait-and-see approach, saying they will judge her by her answers at her confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Still, Republicans will be under pressure from conservative and libertarian activist groups, who say the questions are mounting. The activists are looking forward to the Supreme Court's expected ruling next month in the Ricci case on race-based employment promotions.

Court watchers predict a majority of justices will rule in favor of New Haven, Conn., firefighters who said the city discriminated against them after it tested them for promotions, then scrapped the results after it realized a disproportionate number of whites would be promoted. Judge Sotomayor was part of a unanimous three-judge panel that issued an unsigned opinion ruling against the firefighters and in favor of the city.

"Given the way she recently all but dismissed the Ricci case ... and the expectation, based on oral argument, that the Supreme Court will reverse the 2nd Circuit decision, there will likely be an extremely contentious confirmation battle ahead," said Roger Pilon, vice president for legal affairs at the Cato Institute. "If confirmation hearings are scheduled for summer, they will follow shortly upon the Courts decision in that explosive case."

The White House was cognizant of the danger that case could present. An administration official, briefing reporters after the announcement, said Judge Sotomayor was not specifically asked about the case since it may come back before the Supreme Court with her as a member.

But the official said Judge Sotomayor's reading of the law in the case was well founded and defendable.

"It was a unanimous decision by the panel that she sat on, it applied 2nd Circuit law very faithfully and did rely upon what was a very thoughtful, well-written district court opinion and adopted that opinion," the administration official said. The White House refused to allow the official to be quoted by name.

Maybe more so than her judicial rulings, Judge Sotomayor can expect to be asked about her temperament as a judge and about her remarks during speeches and conferences.

The Almanac of the Federal Judiciary lists a series of quotes from lawyers praising her legal ability, but she also drew barbs from lawyers who said she is abusive in the courtroom: "She really lacks judicial temperament," one lawyer told the publication.

In 2002, in a speech in California, Judge Sotomayor said race or sex does affect a judge's rulings, and said because of that, a minority woman is a better decider than a white man: "I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experience would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life."

Three years later, at a panel discussion at Duke Law School, she seemed to endorse judicial activism on the appeals courts, telling students considering clerkships: "Court of Appeals is where policy is made. And I know - I know this is on tape, and I should never say that because we don't make law. I know."

A clip of the Duke comment on YouTube has been widely accessed by conservative activists.

Mr. Gibbs said the YouTube clip does not do justice to the context of Judge Sotomayor's comments, and said her record on the courts will be her answer to critics.

"The president is very convinced that people will look at the full context of this and not rely on, as I said, a small, short, out-of-context YouTube clip, and more importantly look at the basis of her entire record. I think you come to a broader understanding of who she is and what she meant," Mr. Gibbs

2009-05-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

NKorea Blast Obama's 'Moment of Truth'

President Barack Obama, who has been reaching out to anti-American regimes, faces "a moment of truth" with North Korea's nuclear test, former US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton said Monday.

Bolton, who was an outspoken hardliner under George W. Bush, also warned that the claimed test is a bad omen in the Middle East "given the cooperation" between North Korea and Iran on ballistic missiles.

The North Koreans "were looking for an excuse for another test because their first test in 2006 fizzled," Bolton said on Fox News.

"The Obama administration gave them that opportunity. The special envoy, Stephen Bosworth said about two weeks ago he didn't feel any sense of crisis and hoped to get back to the six-party talks," he added.

Under a six-party deal with the United States, China, Japan, South Korea and Russia in 2007, North Korea agreed to scrap its weapons-grade nuclear programs for energy aid.

"Another official said we'd be back to the talks within nine months. I think the North Koreans read it as a signal that they could get away with it. I think we are at a moment of real testing for the Obama administration," Bolton said.

The incident is "a real moment of truth for the Obama administration," he added.

"I think, at a minimum, the US should put North Korea on the list of state sponsors of terrorism," he said.

The Bush administration drew fire from hardliners when it removed North Korea last year from the US blacklist after North Korea verbally agreed to verifying denuclearization that it never confirmed in writing.

Bolton also called for a UN Security Council resolution that "imposes sanctions on their weapons programs and complete economic sanctions like the ones we had the council impose on Iraq after it invaded Kuwait in 1991."

He also said that, as what he calls a "persistent violator" of UN resolutions, it should be expelled under article six of the UN charter.

Bolton added that such a push within the UN would also be a "moment of truth" for China, a permanent council member which has resisted tougher action but which also says it wants to stop North Korea from acquiring atomic weapons.

Bolton also said the test has implications for the Middle East, where the United States suspects Iran of seeking a nuclear weapon with its uranium enrichment program.

"Given the cooperation between North Korea and Iran, there is reason to fear that North Korea and Iran may be sharing data on nuclear matters as they do on ballistic missiles," he said.

"This is a threat not just in northeast Asia, but potentially in the Middle East as well," he added.

2009-05-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

Washington Post: Climate Bill Badly Flawed

The so-called cap and trade bill allegedly designed to drastically reduce carbon emissions is “badly flawed,” would cost the U.S. economy trillions of dollars, create a vast army of bureaucrats and make “The opportunities for waste, fraud and regulatory screw-up look enormous,” warns the Washington Post.

The American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009, also known as the Waxman-Markey bill after its authors, is now awaiting action by the other committees of House of Representatives after being approved by the House Energy and Commerce Committee.

It is, the Post writes, a "monster piece of legislation that promises to reduce by 83 percent over the next 40 years the amount of carbon emitted into the atmosphere from American cars, power plants and factories.” According to the Post, there are few pieces of legislation that are “likely to have a more profound effect on the U.S. Economy.”

The bill, says Rep. Joseph Pitts, R-Pa., is a tax bill, warning that "No matter how it is doctored or tailored, it is a tax." Michigan Democratic Rep. John Dingell also has called it nothing less than a tax.

Aside from the fact that many scientists and other critics question the allegation that CO2, a benign gas essential to all plant life, is helping to create global warming, the almost 1,000-page bill would have a devastating effect on the average American family. If enacted, it would cost a U.S. family at least $3,100 a year in added expenses, and over a 20-year period result in the loss of 7 million jobs, Republican studies show.

Peter Orszag, the director of the Office of Management and Budget, admitted that a 15 percent cut in carbon dioxide emissions would slash Americans’ incomes. Testifying before the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee last year, he stated that the lowest quintile of households would pay an average of $680 more each year for goods and services (3.3 percent of their incomes) and the highest would pay $2,180 more (1.7 percent of their incomes) than they would have in the absence of carbon rationing.

Writing in the Post, Steven Pearlstein explains that the bill would cause dramatic changes in the relative prices of energy and goods produced by energy-hungry industries, redistribute trillions of dollars in business sales and household income and generate hundreds of billions in government revenue.

All told, Pearlstein writes, it would be “the most dramatic extension of government's regulatory powers into the workings of the economy since the early days of the New Deal.”

The bill, he explains, would result in the creation of dozens of new government agencies having the authority to establish standards, dole out rebates and tax subsidies, and pick winning and losing technologies, even as it relies on newly created markets with newly created regulators to set prices and allocate resources.

According to Investor’s Business Daily, the bill awaits action by the tax-writing House Ways and Means Committee and perhaps the Agriculture Committee as well and could be tied up for months before it can ever get a floor vote by the full House.

Pearlstein concludes that it’s not too late to change our minds about th

2009-05-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Cheney Swipes at Pelosi: She Demanded Briefing on Interrogations

Accusing President Obama of giving Americans "less than half the truth," former Vice President Dick Cheney said Thursday tough interrogation tactics worked, and said the tactics had the approval of members of Congress including current House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

The former vice president said the president's attempt to find a middle ground that angers the right and the left is compromising American security: "in the fight against terrorism, there is no middle ground, and half-measures keep you half-exposed."

Mr. Cheney said tough interrogation tactics "were legal, essential, justified, successful and the right thing to do."

In the closest thing to a head-to-head debate between the former and current administrations, Mr. Cheney spoke minutes after Mr. Obama, speaking at the National Archives, delivered his own defense of his decisions to try to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba; to suspend the use of the tough interrogation tactics; and to release memos detailing those tactics.

Mr. Cheney, who spoke at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative think tank, called on his own experience as a top decision-maker after the Sept. 11 attacks to argue the new administration has lost sight of the threats and reasons for decisions made by Mr. Cheney and President George W. Bush.

The former vice president also tackled the ongoing dispute over who approved the use of enhanced interrogation techniques, arguing it had bipartisan support, including that of Mrs. Pelosi, and saying the questions Congress is raising now will only hurt the CIA.

"On numerous occasions, leading members of Congress, including the current speaker of the House, were briefed on the program and on the methods," he said, though he provided no details for the assertion.

Without naming the person, Mr. Cheney said "some members of Congress are notorious for demanding they be briefed into the most sensitive intelligence programs. They support them in private, and then head for the hills at the first sign of controversy."

Mrs. Pelosi has maintained that despite CIA records that show otherwise, she was not told about the enhanced techniques in a September 2002 briefing, though she acknowledged last week she was told in 2003 by her top intelligence aide. She said she didn't feel there was anything she could do to stop the use of the tactics short of trying to gain control of Congress.

Mr. Cheney repeated his belief that the Constitution and the resolution authorizing use of force against terrorists after Sept. 11 gave them the authority to let intelligence officers use "the tools and lawful authority they needed to gain vital information."

And he said the president has selectively declassified memos to try to confuse the understanding of those tactics and their successes.

"The released memos were carefully redacted to leave out references to what our government learned through the methods in question. Other memos, laying out specific terrorist plots that were averted, apparently were not even considered for release," Mr. Cheney said.

He said there has been a serious misunderstanding about the interrogation techniques and "a strange and sometimes willful attempt to conflate what happened at Abu Ghraib prison with the top secret program of enhanced interrogations."

And Mr. Cheney said the times the tactics, such as waterboarding, were used, it was because intelligence officers were trying to get specific information to prevent a future attack -- not out of vengeance or other motivation.

"Intelligence officers were not trying to get terrorists to confess to past killings; they were trying to prevent future killings," Mr. Obama said.

Of the memos that Mr. Obama did release, Mr. Cheney called it "flatly contrary to the national security interest of the United States."

Speaking across Washington at the National Archives, Mr. Obama said with the tactics already having been acknowledged in the press, and with his own action to ban the se of the techniques, there was no longer any reason to keep the specifics secret.

"I released these memos because there was no overriding reason to protect them," Mr. Obama said.

Mr. Obama did not address Mr. Cheney specifically, but seemed to be addressing many of the arguments the former vice president has made.

"Every now and then, there are those who think that America's safety and success requires us to walk away from the sacred principles enshrined in this building. We hear such voices today," Mr. Obama said.

Mr. Cheney accused Mr. Obama of duplicity for claiming to have ended the use of enhanced interrogation techniques, though Mr. Cheney said Mr. Obama has retained the right to authorize the tactics himself in the future.

2009-05-22T01:39:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney spoke on torture yesterday. Obama spoke out against torture, and Cheney gave more of a "how-to" discussion.

Yesterday during a speech, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that the CIA misleads us all the time. You know . . . unlike Congress.

California experienced another earthquake yesterday. California is the only state where you don't know what's going to bounce first — the ground from the earthquake or the check you get from the government.

The economy is bad. So bad, Joe Biden was seen standing outside the White House selling maps to politicians' secret locations.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things I've Learned During Fleet Week In New York City

10. Fish from the Hudson don't taste right (Petty Officer 1st Class Veronica McCoy)

9. There truly is no place like New York City during Tony Awards season (Petty Officer 2nd Class Damien Defazio)

8. I spent a month's pay on Yankee tickets (Capt. Nicholas Whitman)

7. I've seen many ships, but nothing surpasses Applebee's Baja Potato Boats (Petty Officer 1st Class Loretta Henderson)

6. Today's the perfect temperature . . . unless you're in Letterman's studio (Cpl. Robert Sandoval)

5. How do you people eat those street vendor hot dogs? (Lt. Cmdr. Carissa April)

4. Traffic lights are just for decoration (Gunnery Sgt. Sarah Nolan)

3. Katz's Deli has knishes that'll make you plotz (Lt. Brad Davis)

2. With zero percent financing there's never been a better time to buy a 2009 aircraft carrier (Petty Officer 1st Class Veda May)

1. Not everyone in a dress is a woman (Cmdr. Tony Ceraolo)

David Letterman

Scientists have repaired the Hubble telescope. They not only repaired it, they improved it. It's now the Hubble Kaleidoscope.

How about that Dick Cheney? He gave a speech on terror today. I guess it was well received. He was so excited he went outside and waterboarded people.

They found a 47 million-year-old fossil that they think may be the missing link between man and ape. And I thought, "Wait a minute — I thought that was the governor of California?"

Craig Ferguson

It was revealed today that the richest people in the world held a private meeting. People like Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Oprah Winfrey got together to talk about whatever rich people talk about: "Aren't poor people bastards? They can't afford jets!"

I think they were trying to make sure the recession doesn't affect the money they give to charity. I wonder what they did after their meeting. They probably went sightseeing in New York, looking at all the landmarks . . . buying them . . .

If you want a secret meeting, is Manhattan really the place to go? It's full of reporters, bloggers, hobos . . . hobos who used to be stock brokers . . .

I have to say, if there's an upside to the recession, at least some of those bastards are getting it in the neck. We're all broke, but at least the stock brokers are broke too.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Last night's "American Idol" was the second-lowest-rated "Idol" finale ever. Something like only 9 billion people watched.

If they want higher ratings, all they have to do is name the American Idol, then throw the old one in a volcano. Who wouldn't watch that?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney's been in the news a lot, attacking Obama. For eight years, he never said two words, now he's like Regis.

He's making so many speeches lately, I'm starting to think he's not dead.

Jimmy Fallon

The National Archives lost a harddrive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton administration. It contained Bill Clinton’s “to-do” list — 500 people long.

A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car.

According to a new poll, Dick Cheney’s approval rating is up 8 percentage points since leaving office. Wow, I can’t believe Cheney’s approval rating is 8 percent.

Michelle Obama is on the cover of Time magazine this week. She says she has dinner with Barack and the kids every night. And then — oh it’s so cute — Joe Biden jumps up and tries to lick the plates.

2009-05-21T07:21:00.000-07:00

GOP Must Confront Obama Head-On

Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele likened President Barack Obama's popularity to that of a celebrity and said Republicans can't be afraid of criticizing him head-on if they want to regain their relevance.

"He's young. He's cool. He's hip ... he's got all the qualities America likes in a celebrity, so of course he's going to be popular," Steele told state party chairmen Tuesday. But "this is not American Idol. This is serious ... and we are going to take them on."

Steele said the GOP has owned up to the mistakes that caused its fall from power and is embarking on a renaissance.

"The era of apologizing for Republican mistakes of the past is now officially over," he said. "We have turned the corner. No more looking in the rearview mirror. From this point forward, we will focus all of our energies on winning the future."

The Republican National Committee chief is seeking to re-establish himself as the head of the beleaguered party and set its course. His speech comes after a rocky start to his two-year term that drew criticism from some longtime RNC members as well as a sustained Democratic campaign tagging conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh as the GOP's titular head.

Even as he called for a unified front, Steele was fending off efforts to strip him of some control over RNC operations from a small band of internal critics who say he is mismanaging the organization. He also was opposing a resolution — whose final wording hadn't yet been set but was expected for a vote Wednesday — in which Republicans would rename the Democratic Party as a "Nationalist Socialist Democrat" party.

Steele and others said the party should focus its efforts elsewhere.

"I think it's stupid," Florida GOP Chairman James Greer said of the name resolution. "These are trying times. We need to be serious."

Greer and other state chairmen said Steele, who drew a loud standing ovation at Tuesday's speech, continues to enjoy strong support among most party leaders.

"Obviously there was going to be a learning curve, but I certainly support Chairman Steele. I like the fact that he's going on offense," said Alabama Chairman Mike Hubbard. "I think everybody's willing to give (him) some time."

Steele is trying to steer a GOP that's out of power in the White House, Congress and a slew of statehouses across the country. The party also has no natural successor to former President George W. Bush. And the GOP is in the midst of an intense debate over its identity while facing an emboldened Democratic Party that's grown larger under Obama's leadership — at the Republicans' expense.

Steele played down the obstacles and claimed the GOP's comeback is "well under way" in the states. But he said people in Washington don't recognize it yet.

"Republicans may be the minority party at the moment, but we represent the ideas and concerns of the majority of Americans," Steele said. "Candidate Obama was very moderate in his views, but President Obama could not possibly be further to the far left."

Steele said the GOP will take on Obama with class and dignity, unlike the "shabby and classless way" Democrats took on Bush.

Democratic National Committee spokesman Hari Sevugan said that while Steele talks of moving forward, the party remains bogged down in name-calling and petty politics.

"The test of the sincerity of the chairman's words will be if he and the other GOP leaders stand up to the fringe elements of their party," Sevugan said. "Unfortunately, they have shown no willingness to do so."

2009-05-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership.

Vice President Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it "Operation Keep Biden Away From a Microphone."

He goes to Antarctica next.

The economy is bad. It's so bad, Amy Winehouse is now snorting only Diet Coke.

David Letterman

Trump magazine is going out of business. So you see, the recession isn't all bad.

I have a subscription. Tremendous magazine: real estate column, financial report, and of course, the monthly hair tip.

Michael Vick is now out of prison. He's on house arrest. The judge gave him strict, specific instructions: "Staaaaaaay."

Cher's birthday today. She's 63. She'll be on display at the New York City Museum of Natural History.

Craig Ferguson

Michael Vick was released from prison. Just to be safe, Scooby Doo has moved to Canada.

Cher is 63 today. I think her boobs are only 5, and her butt is 2.

Big "American Idol" finale last night. More people vote for "American Idol" than in the presidential election. That's not true. But maybe to get more people involved in politics, we should have the candidates sign their positions. They could have a sing-off.

Jimmy Fallon

It's Fleet Week in New York City. Lots of sailors strolling around. Or as Clay Aiken calls it, hunting season.

Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like "American Idol," except one of them got voted off months ago.

The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on 10 charges of piracy. His bail was set at 100 doubloons.

2009-05-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

Charles Krauthammer: Obama Critic-in-Chief

Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer has emerged as the top intellectual critic of President Barack Obama.

"He's the most important conservative columnist right now," fellow conservative David Brooks, a columnist for The New York Times, tells Politico news.

Krauthammer has made his opposition to Obama clear along a whole range of policy issues.

Obama is committed to "radical health-care, energy and education reforms," central to a "social democratic agenda," Krauthammer writes in The Post. That agenda will thoroughly change American life – for the worse, he argues.

Krauthammer should know a thing or two about health-care. He’s a Harvard-trained psychiatrist who turned to politics (working for Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale) in 1978 and punditry in 1981, joining The New Republic.

Krauthammer’s skepticism about Obama began early, soon after a December 2006 column in which he pushed Obama to run for president and guaranteed that he would lose.

During the presidential race, Krauthammer called Obama’s campaign "cult-like." His milestone speech on race was a "brilliant fraud," Krauthammer wrote. His friendships with Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers showed his "cynicism and ruthlessness."

Krauthammer remains impressed with Obama’s powers of persuasion. He tells Politico that at this point, he’s fighting a losing battle against Obama’s attempt to turn the U.S. economic model into a European one.

While Krauthammer has alienated some conservatives in the past with his liberal social views, he’s now getting the star treatment.

Fox News books him frequently. National Review Online's group blog, The Corner, quotes him at length under the heading, "Krauthammer's Take."

Krauthammer’s rise to a leadership role among anti-Obama pundits matches the rise of Dick Cheney to a leadership role among former officials who oppose Obama.

The former vice president, who has sharply criticized Obama’s national security policy, will give a speech about terrorism Thursday at the same time that Obama delivers his own.

2009-05-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

The White House had a private screening of "Star Trek." You don't have to worry about some moron talking though the movie at private screenings. That's why they didn’t invite Joe Biden.

Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne movie coming out. Matt Damon plays a CIA agent who Tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. But it's Pelosi who gets amnesia in this one.

The government is now bailing out insurance companies. Billions are going to insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Too bad they didn't have insurance.

The economy is bad. So bad, Dick Cheney was hanging people upside down just to get the change that was falling out of their pockets.

David Letterman

NASA is repairing the Hubble telescope. They're having difficulties. Everything is more difficult in space. It doesn't surprise me — it's not like they're rocket scientists.

Everyone's got an opinion on how to fix it. Kiefer Sutherland said, "Hey — did you try head-butting it?"

Vice President Joe Biden apparently had a couple of drinks and was shooting his mouth off. He announced the undisclosed location of former Vice President Dick Cheney's bunker. And I was thinking, "Joe, c'mon. If you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal where bin Laden is hiding?"

Former President Bill Clinton and former President George W. Bush are going to be in Toronto debating. There's nothing more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count.

Craig Ferguson

Los Angeles had an earthquake the other day. There wasn't much damage. In fact, there were $2,000 worth of improvements to this studio.

Scientists say they have found the missing link. The link between man and monkey. It's a little monkey. It lived on mostly twigs and berries — which makes it the direct ancestor of today's supermodel.

Scientists have determined that the monkey fossil is 47 million years old. It was verified today by Larry King who was married to the monkey.

Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of Dick Cheney's top secret bunker. He did apologize. He said, "I'm so sorry. The launch code is 85334."

"The house key is under the plant near the door step . . ." He just can't help it.

President Obama has appointed Utah's Republican Gov. Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China. Part of Obama's plan to get every Republican out of the country by 2010.

2009-05-19T04:28:00.000-07:00

Obama Linking Auto Emissions and Mileage Standards

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama, seeking to end a stand-off between states and the auto industry, plans to issue new national emission limits and mileage requirements for cars and trucks.

Obama plans to announce on Tuesday that he will couple pollution reduction from vehicle tailpipes with increased efficiency on the road. It would be the first time that limits on greenhouse gases were linked with federal standards for passenger cars and light trucks.

New vehicles would be 30 percent cleaner and more fuel efficient by 2016, according to officials familiar with the administration's discussions. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because the formal announcement had not been made.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs would not release details of the announcement on Monday, although he said the administration has been working with states, businesses and environmental groups on a deal.

California, 13 other states and the District of Columbia have urged the federal government to let them enact more stringent standards than the federal government's requirements. The states' regulations would cut greenhouse gas emissions by 30 percent in new cars and trucks by 2016 _ the benchmark Obama planned to unveil at the White House for vehicles built in model years 2011 and beyond.

The proposal is expected to coordinate two separate standards for fuel efficiency and greenhouse gas emissions from vehicles, aiming for cars that achieve higher miles per gallon and have lower polluting air conditioning systems, said Roland Hwang, the vehicles policy director for the Natural Resources Defense Council. The environmental group has discussed the upcoming changes with the White House in recent weeks, he said.

Hwang said he expected the greenhouse gas standard would be set to an equivalent of nearly 35 miles per gallon for the vehicle fleet by 2016.

A 2007 energy law requires car makers to meet at least 35 mpg by 2020, a 40 percent increase over the current standard of about 25 mpg. Passenger car requirements have remained unchanged at 27.5 mpg since 1985, drawing complaints from environmental groups that the government has been slow to push automakers to produce more fuel-efficient vehicles.

Obama's move also would effectively end litigation between states and automakers, who sought to block state-specific rules. The new federal rules would prompt automakers to drop their lawsuit. Two car companies who have been part of the litigation, General Motors Corp. and Chrysler LLC, have received billions in government loans during a dramatic downturn in car sales and weakened economy.

Auto industry executives, including GM CEO Fritz Henderson, were expected to participate in the announcement along with United Auto Workers President Ron Gettelfinger, industry officials said.

Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm, a Democrat who is being considered for the Supreme Court vacancy, will be at the White House for the event, said an administration official who spoke on condition of anonymity because details of the event had not been announced.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a Republican, will be in Washington for an announcement on California's request regarding federal auto emissions standards, spokesman Aaron McLear said. He declined to elaborate.

A March 2008 decision prevents states from setting their own limits on greenhouse gas emissions from automobiles, but Obama has ordered the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency to reconsider the ruling.

The EPA was already working toward establishing federal greenhouse gas emissions standards for new motor vehicles when it made a preliminary determination in April that six greenhouse gases _ four of which are released from automobiles _ endanger human health and welfare.

The White House announcement will make sure efforts by states, the EPA and the Transportation Department will occur in unison, said David Bookbinder, the Sierra Club's chief climate lawyer.

2009-05-19T01:30:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Los Angeles starts water rationing in June — which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week.

Another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. Here's more proof you don't need to waterboard — just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks.

This is all part of our new plan: "Don't Ask — We'll Tell."

His secret hiding place turned out to be his basement . . . I guess the enemy would never think to look there.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Classified Pieces Of Information Revealed By Joe Biden

10. Biden confirmed vice president has no actual responsibilities

9. Obama also bought his kids a kangaroo

8. Nixon faked his death to escape gambling debts

7. In case of trouble, President's car can turn into a fighting robot

6. To enter Oval Office, you must know the president's secret fist-bump

5. Biden often skips staff meetings to watch "Jon And Kate Plus Eight"

4. America will declare that it's going out of business next Tuesday

3. Obama smokes in his sleep

2. When Bush ran out of pate at a state dinner, he fed Queen Elizabeth week-old taco meat

1. Dick Cheney once caught waterboarding himself

David Letterman

Good news for the environment — they're cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad the salmon had to swim upstream for their hepatitis shots.

They're saying the Hudson River has more chemicals than Manny Ramirez.

Dick Cheney is in town. He's here to see all his favorite shows — "Phantom" . . . "Wicked" . . . "Stomp."

Joe Biden, our vice president, was yakking away over the weekend, and he gave away Dick Cheney's undisclosed hidden location where he would go in times of emergency. Top secret information, classified information. Joe Biden is living proof people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.

Craig Ferguson

There was an earthquake in Los Angeles last night. It only did minor damage — Lindsay Lohan was knocked back into lesbianism.

The government in China shut down a sex theme park before it even opened. It was designed to teach Chinese people about sex. Do we really need to teach the world's most overpopulated country about sex? They know!

I like the idea of a sex theme park, though. Instead of the Tea Cups, there could be the D-Cups.

Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, President Obama went to daughters Malia and Sasha's soccer game. He went in Minivan One.

In the new issue of Newsweek, they're calling Barack Obama "Spock with global sex appeal." Which is a bit of coincidence because Time is calling Joe Biden "Chewbacca with fur plugs."

A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male Republicans. In other words — Republicans.

2009-05-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

Obama Adviser Axelrod Compares Miss Calif. USA Prejean to a Dog

David Axelrod, senior adviser to President Obama, added to the criticisms of Miss California USA Carrie Prejean during the weekend. But instead of merely giving her grief for opposing same-sex marriage, he basically called her a dog.

In a largely humorous interview on National Public Radio’s “Wait, Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me!” show, Axelrod was asked how involved he was in the Obama family’s selection of its dog, Bo.

He quipped that he “only got called in for the final three,” The New York Times reports.

But while Axelrod got serious for a moment, telling listeners he didn’t take part in the dog decision, show host Peter Sagal asked for information about the other two contestants.

“One was Miss California,” Axelrod cracked, as the audience laughed.

Last week, liberal pundits had gone after Prejean to the point that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin felt compelled to step up in her defense.

"The liberal onslaught of malicious attacks against Carrie Prejean for expressing her opinion is despicable," Palin said Wednesday.

"What I find so remarkable is that these politically-motivated attacks fail to show that what Carrie and I believe is also what President Obama and Secretary Clinton believe: that marriage is between a man and a woman," Palin says.

Obama has said that, although he supports gay rights, as a Christian he is opposed to same-sex marriage. Clinton has expressed opposition to gay marriage, but support for same-sex civil unions.

2009-05-17T04:39:00.000-07:00

Huntsman: I Agonized Over China Ambassador Job

Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman said Monday he agonized over the decision to join the Obama administration as ambassador to China, concerned about the impact it would have on his family and his state.

President Barack Obama tapped the Republican governor for the post on Saturday, and Huntsman has yet to answer questions from reporters about his selection.

Huntsman said Monday that the decision was not an easy one. He and his wife, Mary Kaye, have seven children, including adopted daughters from China and India.

One of the most popular governors in state history, Huntsman won re-election in November with 78 percent of the vote. During the campaign, he said he intended to serve out his second term. He did not address his campaign pledge on Monday.

"The last week has been surreal. It has been an emotional roller coaster and it has been complete with a lot of sleepless nights," Huntsman said. However, he said, it would have been very difficult to say no to the president.

Huntsman and Obama "talked a lot about service and in some cases the importance of putting self-interest and politics aside in pursuit of those things that are more important for our nation, and I think we understand that," Huntsman said.

The governor said he and Obama agreed that the U.S. relationship with China was the most important in the world, and discussed how that relationship might be handled.

"We had a good meeting of the minds," Huntsman told reporters Monday.

Huntsman, 49, is fluent in Mandarin Chinese from his days serving as a Mormon missionary in Taiwan and has extensive experience in Asia, including serving as ambassador to Singapore in the George H.W. Bush administration.

A moderate Republican, Huntsman had been making a name for himself as a potential presidential contender in 2012 and had spoken openly about the need for the GOP to become more inclusive if it wanted to attract new voters.

Huntsman said he wouldn't resign as governor until the U.S. Senate confirms the appointment.

2009-05-15T01:36:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

President Obama held a poetry night the other night at the White House. When former President Bush heard about it he said, "Now that's torture."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that she was misled by the CIA on waterboarding. She spent eight years complaining about how dumb President Bush was and the minute she's in trouble, she says he fooled her.

President Obama has reversed direction, saying we should not release dozens of interrogation photos. The matter has not been decided yet. I understand the photos are being reviewed by Donald Trump.

I think all this publicity has gone to Trump's head. Today he held a press conference and said some Burger King guy could keep his crown.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Director (Presented By Ron Howard)

10. The stuntman called in sick — we’re gonna set you on fire

9. Sorry, I forgot to take the lens cap off

8. This piece of crap’s going straight to DVD

7. Dammit, I keep forgetting to take the lens cap off

6. I’ve got my shot list, but can someone please find my pants?

5. I’m drunk

4. Potsie, come quick! Ralph Malph’s stuck in a phone booth with the Polinga triplets

3. We need to do some reshoots because I licked the film

2. I hope you don’t mind, I shot some footage of you in the shower

1. OK Hanks, start Gumping it up!

David Letterman

They're going through Bernie Madoff's credit card receipts. In one week he spent $100,000. Most of it was at Swindler's Depot.

Much of it was spent at a bait store. That's how he lured investors.

Dick Cheney was in one of those crazy, embarrassing, New York City moments: He was in a cab, and it turns out the cab driver was someone Cheney had waterboarded.

Scientists now say French kissing can lead to sexually transmitted diseases. I think I have a way to avoid French kissing: Get married.

Craig Ferguson

To raise money for California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's willing to sell some aging landmarks, like San Quentin Prison. So far, the only bid has come from Dick Cheney.

He wants to use it as a vacation home.

John McCain's mother was on TV saying that she doesn't like Rush Limbaugh. Here's my question: John McCain's mother is still alive!?

Jimmy Fallon

Today is Thursday. Or what I like to call on Friday, "yesterday."

A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. This wouldn't happen if we'd just legalize Ebola.

Barack Obama has announced that his administration will not release photos of prisoners being abused. It's not because they don't want to, it's because they don't have the password to Dick Cheney's camera phone.

2009-05-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gets to keep her crown. Not only that, she gets to keep her implants for another year.

Donald Trump reviewed the racy photos and approved. I like that he calls himself "The Donald." You can get away with that when your name is Donald. That doesn't work when your name is Colin Powell.

Or Dick Cheney . . .

Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant today. They're already embroiled in a scandal. Topless photos of Miss Saudi Arabia have surfaced. You can see her entire forehead.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin Memoir

10. She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech

9. Her husband Todd is a person of interest in dozens of unsolved snowmobile hit-and-runs

8. State troopers have been instructed to taser Katie Couric on sight

7. "Memoir" is misspelled

6. Not only can she see Russia, earlier today she saw the astronauts working on Hubble

5. The entire thing, plagiarized word-for-word from Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish"

4. Cover shows her in a passionate embrace with a shirtless Fabio

3. Sworn in as governor with her left hand on a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine

2. Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper

1. She voted for Obama

David Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City. So nice, Bernie Madoff moved to his cell in the Hamptons.

It's graduation time. The NYU graduation speaker? Hillary Clinton. You think she looks great in a pantsuit, you ought to see her in a robe.

She told the grads, "Work hard, save your money, and one day you might be able to afford to attend a Yankees game."

Sarah Palin got a deal to write her memoir. It's titled, "The Book to Nowhere."

Craig Ferguson

President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White house. These can get out of control. Apparently somebody got up on stage and rambled on and on, and didn't make any sense . . . when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry.

It's groundbreaking to have a poetry slam there. It's never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam.

"There once was a man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The three remaining contestants on "American Idol" competed twice to see who would win. Danny Goki was not chosen. Now I have to take the Goki posters over my bed down.

I had him in the office pool, too. Now I have to fire people.

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, blames the wind for blowing her shirt open and blames unscrupulous photographers for releasing topless shots of her. Here's an idea: If you don't want photographers releasing naked pictures of you, don't stand in front of a camera with your clothes off.

Jimmy Fallon

Officials say the economy is affecting the cocaine market. It's not only affecting the cocaine industry, it's trickling down . . . today, Obama asked for a bailout of the tiny spoon industry.

The New York State Assembly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. It goes to the state Senate where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways.

An Amish teenager in Upstate New York was ticketed for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy. I don't see what the big deal is — it's not like he was riding around with light bulbs.

2009-05-13T01:56:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

John Edwards said he and his wife are getting to "a better place." He said after admitting the affair, he took a look in the mirror and fell in love all over again.

Elizabeth's Edwards' book "Resilience" comes out today. John's is already out: "Cheating for Dummies."

The price of a postage stamp has gone up to 44 cents. The government says they had to raise the price because fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government thinking for you — "Hey nobody's buying our products . . . let's raise the price!"

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Obsessed With "Star Trek"

10. You're writing "Star Date 5946" on your checks

9. Family dog plus aluminum foil equals space dog

8. Built your own phaser out of a staple gun and 20 D batteries

7. Last Halloween, you dressed as "Star Trek" props designer, Irving A. Feinberg

6. You spend a lot of lonely nights "wrestling the Gorn"

5. During your Power Point presentation for company's 2nd quarter review, the word "Romulans" came up more than one would normally expect

4. Always telling barber, "Give me the Spock"

3. You're already camped out for the 2011 "Star Trek" sequel

2. When the Stock Market goes down, you'll suddenly yell, "KHAAAAAN!"

1. Got suspended at work for trying to mind-meld with an intern

David Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City. So nice, Manny Ramirez tested positive for lemonade.

Manny Ramirez has tested positive for some sort of female hormone. The Dodgers are saying they became suspicious when Manny missed a game to go to a Lamaze class.

President Obama's security adviser says he just doesn't know whether Osama bin Laden is dead or alive . . . same thing with Larry King.

He says he doesn't know whether bin Laden is dead or alive. Well, hell — our last president didn't know whether Lincoln was dead or alive.

Craig Ferguson

During the Miss USA pageant, Miss California was asked a question about gay marriage by Perez Hilton. At a press conference, Donald Trump said he thought Perez was "engaging in self promotion." Trump accusing someone else of self promotion!?!?

That's like the Octo-Mom accusing someone of having too many kids.

Trump had to decide whether she would keep her crown after topless photos turned up. He said it was his judgment that Miss California could keep her crown. Trump would never tell someone to remove a useless piece of rubbish from their head . . . why would he?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

You're not going to believe this — a beauty contestant, Carrie Prejean, posed naked
in pictures. She had to go face to face today with Judge Donald Trump. He owns the Miss USA pageant so he would decide whether or not to de-sash Miss California. It was difficult for him to go public because he's such an intensely private man.

He decided she could keep her crown. Who better to judge what should and should not be on someone's head.

There was also controversy when she stated her opposition to same-sex marriage. Trump pointed out that even Obama does not support same-sex marriage, and also he pointed out that he personally believes that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a series of progressively younger women.

Jimmy Fallon

President Obama fired our top military commander in Afghanistan. It was a tough call to fire him, but in the end, he hired Joan Rivers.

Shirley Jones, the 75-year-old actress from the "Partridge Family," may pose nude for Playboy. She said after 50 years in the business, she's ready to let it all hang down.

A 12-year-old boy in Iran is officially running for president. They say it's the craziest thing to happen in Iran since a woman drove a car.

2009-05-06T04:45:00.000-07:00

Colin Powell Attacks Rush Limbaugh

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell blasted Rush Limbaugh Monday during a speech in which he said the Republican Party is in a state of collapse.

The GOP is "getting smaller and smaller" and "that's not good for the nation," Powell said, according to the National Journal. He also said he hopes that emerging GOP leaders, such as House Minority Whip Cantor, will not keep repeating mantras of the far right.

Powell lashed out at Limbaugh and conservative icon Ann Coulter. Neither serves the party well, Powell said during a speech to corporate security executives at a conference in Washington sponsored by Fortify Software Inc.

"I think what Rush does as an entertainer diminishes the party and intrudes or inserts into our public life a kind of nastiness that we would be better to do without," Powell said.

He also said that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, McCain's running mate last year, is "a very accomplished person" but became "a very polarizing figure." He said the polarization was created by Palin's advisers.

“The Republican Party is in deep trouble," he added, according to the Journal. “The party must realize that the country has changed, he said. "Americans do want to pay taxes for services," he said. "Americans are looking for more government in their life, not less."

Powell stirred controversy last year when he came out for the Democratic presidential candidate, then-Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois. Powell said he told the GOP candidate, Sen. John McCain of Arizona, that the party had developed a reputation for being mean-spirited and driven more by social conservatism than the economic problems that Americans faced, the Journal reported.

2009-05-05T04:49:00.000-07:00

Chambliss Moves to Block Gitmo Transfers

A U.S. Senator said Tuesday he would soon introduce legislation aimed at blocking the release on US soil of any detainees currently held at the Guantanamo Bay facility for suspected terrorists.

"I intend to introduce legislation in the next few days to make sure that we establish a policy that will provide for no funding for the release of any of these individuals on US soil," said Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss.

The Georgia lawmaker said his bill aimed to reassure the US public that Guantanamo detainees are "not going to be re-released into their neighborhoods where they're going to immediately form cells where they will seek to kill and harm Americans."

Republicans have accused US President Barack Obama of committing to closing the facility -- seen in much of the world as a symbol of excessive US "war on terrorism" tactics -- by January 2010 without first knowing where the detainees would go.

But even House Democrats appear to have rejected the White House's appeal for 80 million dollars to study where the prisoners might go, or to fund their release, transfer, prosecution, or continued detention.

"We understand that over on the House side they've deleted the money. That doesn't eliminate the issue. The issue remains, what will be done with these prisoners?" said Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Obama plans to release into the United States some of the 17 Chinese Muslim Uighurs held at the facility for seven years then cleared for release by US authorities, said a US official, who requested anonymity.

About 240 prisoners still languish in the prison opened in the wake of the September 11, 2001 attacks at a US military base at Guantanamo Bay, southern Cuba.

2009-05-04T04:52:00.000-07:00

Obama Botches Cinco De Mayo Salute

WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama's joke wasn't lost in translation — even though he referred to a Cinco de Mayo celebration as "Cinco de Cuatro."

Obama jumbled his words as he welcomed guests to the White House to observe the Mexican holiday, sending the crowd into laughter before he referred to the day correctly.

"Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro _ Cinco de Mayo at the White House," said Obama, in what appeared to be an attempt to note they were celebrating on the fourth of May instead of the fifth.

Cinco de cuatro means "five of four" in Spanish.

"We are a day early, but we always like to get a head start here at the Obama White House," he said.

During the presidential campaign, Obama acknowledged his Spanish skills weren't great.

"My accent's always been good," he said. "It's just that I only know 15 words."

The holiday, which marks the Mexican troops' defeat of the French on May 5, 1862, was overshadowed by a swine-flu outbreak that started in Mexico and has spread around the world.

Obama pledged to work with Mexican officials to fight the swine flu and drug wars, using the early Cinco de Mayo celebration to underscore the challenges facing the neighboring countries.

"I know it's a tough time, on both sides of the border," Obama told lawmakers and other guests.

The president said the United States would "stand side by side" with Mexican President Felipe Calderon and the people of Mexico to overcome hardships, including an economic downturn that has hit both countries.

"One thing we know: Good neighbors work together when faced with common challenges," Obama said.

2009-05-03T04:57:00.000-07:00

Sen. Specter Hints Jack Kemp Died of GOP Agenda

Sen. Arlen Specter, Pennsylvania Democrat, said part of the reason he left the Republican Party last week was disillusionment with its healthcare priorities, and suggested that had the Republicans taken a more moderate track, Jack Kemp may have won his battle with cancer.

Mr. Specter, responding to a question from CBS's Bob Schieffer over whether he had let down Pennsylvanians who wanted a Republican to represent them, said he felt his priorities were more in line with those of the Democrats.

"Well, I was sorry to disappoint many people. Frankly, I was disappointed that the Republican Party didn't want me as their candidate," Mr. Specter said on CBS's "Face the Nation." "But as a matter of principle, I'm becoming much more comfortable with the Democrats' approach. And one of the items that I'm working on, Bob, is funding for medical research."

Mr. Specter continued: "If we had pursued what President Nixon declared in 1970 as the war on cancer, we would have cured many strains. I think Jack Kemp would be alive today. And that research has saved or prolonged many lives, including mine."

Mr. Kemp passed away Saturday, after fighting with cancer. Mr. Kemp ran for the White House in 1996 with Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole.

2009-05-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

Obama's TV Press Conference Ratings Take a Dive

The telecast to mark President Barack Obama’s 100th day in office pulled in the smallest number of prime-time viewers since his inauguration, according to Nielsen Ratings reported by THR.com.

Audience fascination with Obama’s news conferences is apparently in a downward spiral, with 28.8 million viewers tuning in Wednesday night’s much touted news conference.

That figure represents a 29 percent drop from the president’s previous news conference on March 24, and a 42 percent fall from his first, on Feb. 9, according to the Nielson report.

The numbers from the president’s last three prime-time news events tell the story, with 49.5 million viewers on Feb. 9, 40.4 million viewers on March 24, and 28.8 million viewers on April 29.

Ten networks carried the telecast.

But even with the diminished 28.8 viewers, President Obama managed to outdraw TV’s biggest show, “American Idol,” which attracted a mere 21.8 million sets of eyes and ears, according to Eonline.

Obama’s big show came on at 8 p.m., while “Idol” aired at 9 p.m. According to Eonline, Obama’s most direct challenger Wednesday night was Fox’s “Lie to Me.” That matchup was a tie.

According to Nielsen News' blog, President Bill Clinton's prime time news conference on the economy in 1993 was carried by 4 networks and garnered 64,300,000 viewers on average.

On Oct. 11, 2001, exactly a month after the attacks of Sept. 11, President Bush held a primetime news conference that seven networks carried and drew 64.8 million viewers.

Of course, in 1993 the average U.S. TV home had about 40 channels available, while that number has reached 118 today

2009-05-01T05:11:00.000-07:00

Obama Gives Chrysler $8 Billion to File Bankruptcy

WASHINGTON — Chrysler will file for bankruptcy after talks with a small group of creditors crumbled just a day before a government deadline for the automaker to come up with a restructuring plan, President Barack Obama said Thursday.

The Obama administration said it had long hoped to stave off bankruptcy for the nation's third-largest automaker, but it became clear that a holdout group wouldn't budge on proposals to reduce Chrysler's $6.9 billion in secured debt. Clearing those debts was a needed step for Chrysler to restructure by the Thursday deadline.

Chrysler will file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in New York, giving Chrysler time to galvanize a partnership with the Italian car maker Fiat Group SpA. The government, which has poured $4 billion in loans into Chrysler, would provide up to $8 billion more to carry the company through bankruptcy, said senior administration officials speaking on condition of anonymity. The government also will help appoint a new board of directors.

The deals give Chrysler "a new lease on life," President Barack Obama said.

"This is not a sign of weakness," he said. "I have eery confidence that Chrysler will emerge from this process stronger and more competitive."

Under bankruptcy, Chrysler would still sell cars and the government would back its auto warranties.

The officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because the terms of the bankruptcy had not yet been released, said there would be no job losses or plant closing due to the Chapter 11. But it will be up to Fiat and Chrysler to decide whether to restructure the steadily shrinking company.

Obama said Chrysler Financial, the arm of the company that makes loans to buyers and to dealers to finance their inventories, will be merged into GMAC Financial Services, once General Motors Corp.'s finance arm. The new GMAC will get government support.

The Treasury Department's auto task force has been racing in the past week to clear the major hurdles that prevented Chrysler from coming up with a viable plan to survive the economic crisis ravaging nation's automakers.

Along with the Fiat deal, the United Auto Workers ratified a cost-cutting pact Wednesday night.

Treasury reached a deal this week with four banks that hold the majority of Chrysler's debt in return for $2 billion in cash.

But the administration said about 40 hedge funds that hold roughly 30 percent of that debt also needed to sign on for the deal to go through. Those creditors said the proposal was unfair and they were holding out for a better deal.

A person briefed on Wednesday night's events said the Treasury Department and the four banks tried to persuade the hedge funds to take a sweetened deal of $2.25 billion in cash. But in the end, this person said most thought they could recover more if Chrysler went into bankruptcy and some of its assets were sold to satisfy creditors. This person asked not to be identified because details of the negotiations have not been made public.

Fiat will obtain a 20 percent stake in Chrysler in return for giving the company access to its fuel-efficient technology, a move toward cleaner cars that the Obama administration thinks is critical to Chrysler's future survival. The company has committed to building Fiat cars in Chrysler factories, to be sold as Chryslers.

The bankruptcy will be filed under a section of the law that allows a company to shed bad assets and some liabilities. The administration expects it to last only up to 60 days.

Obama's auto task force in March rejected Chrysler's restructuring plan and gave it 30 days to make another effort, including a tie-up with Fiat. The company has borrowed $4 billion from the federal government and needs billions more to keep operating.

The UAW agreement, which would take effect May 4, meets Treasury requirements for continued loans to Chrysler Corp., and includes commitments from Fiat to manufacture a new small car in one of Chrysler's U.S. facilities and to share key technology with Chrysler.

Meanwhile, the Fiat partnership means Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli could be out of a job. In an April e-mail to employees, he said that if the deal is completed, Chrysler would be run by a new board appointed by the government and Fiat. The new board, Nardelli wrote, would pick a CEO "with Fiat's concurrence."

Sergio Marchionne, CEO of the Italian automaker, told reporters earlier this month that he could run Chrysler. Obama said Wednesday that Fiat's management "has actually done a good job transforming their industry

2009-05-01T01:13:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

We’re learning more about Republican Sen. Arlen Specter’s switch to the Democratic Party. To sweeten the deal, Democrats offered him Life Alert and a lifetime’s supply of Ensure.

Specter has been a Republican since 1966. That’s gotta be hard. For 46 years you’re lying out of the right side of your mouth, now suddenly you gotta start lying out of the left side.

Now there’s talk that John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party.

David Letterman

Shooting are down in New York City. The bad news? Stabbings are up.

Do the math: It’s the high price of ammo.

The swine flu? It just gives me another reason to avoid human contact. It’s not so bad.

It’s bad in Mexico. They’re not allowing anyone to go to the soccer games. They’re playing them, just no fans are in the stands. Just like soccer here in the United States.

Craig Ferguson

President Obama has declared that Chrysler has the swine flu.

Chrysler is going to merge with Fiat. That’s great — crappy cars in two languages.

The CDC says people should wash their hands before handling food. Here’s what should happen: Joe Biden should wash his foot before putting it in his mouth.

Biden said people should stay off of subways and trains. I think the next time Biden puts his foot in his mouth, Obama should put his foot in Biden’s [butt].

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

More than 300 schools in 14 states are closed because of swine flu. I would be delighted if I was a child — it’s like snow days.

I am blaming the people at Purell for the swine flu.

Rep. Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota seems to have another idea of who’s to blame. Here’s what she said: “I find it interesting that it was back in the ‘70s swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter . . . I think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

Well, she’s wrong — it was Gerald Ford, a Republican, who was president when the last swine flu broke out.

2009-04-30T05:15:00.000-07:00

Napolitano Retracts 'Passive Surveillance' Term

WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano is asserting that the description she initially gave of the border swine-flu monitoring effort no longer applies.

Appearing Wednesday before a Senate panel, Napolitano said that "passive surveillance" is "not an accurate picture of what is going on" at U.S. entry points. She had used that term Tuesday morning to describe the nature of the monitoring for illness.

On Wednesday, Napolitano said that U.S. officials are "actively" questioning visitors at the border, asking questions about "whether they are ill, their travel history and the like."

She also discounted turning to thermal meters to gauge whether people are carrying a fever, and Napolitano also said she does not believe the facts of the current situation would merit closing the borders

2009-04-30T01:16:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

I trying to plan my vacation — I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise and a Mexican pig farm.

Sen. Arlen Specter has a new reality show: “I’m a Republican — Get Me Outta here!”

The 79-year-old senator is leaving the Republican Party. Which is a big loss for Republicans — they really could use that young blood . . .

Obama was celebrating his first 100 days in office. George Bush was president for eight years and never spent close to 100 days in office.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties

10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars

9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning

8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding

7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama

6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November

5. Uhh, pirates?

4. No #4 — writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by

3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers

2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys

1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?

David Letterman

It was cold today in New York City. So cold, I was wearing two swine flu masks.

New Yorkers are being very careful about that swine flu. The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel. Here’s an example of nonessential air travel: flying Air Force One really low over New York City.

Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today. That’s his first birthday in prison — 149 to go.

All the guys got together and tapped “Happy Birthday” on the pipes.

Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday Bernie Madoff. Of course, he can’t watch the show . . . he’s in jail.

What do you get the guy who stole everything?

The president held a press conference last night. I especially liked it when he said, “Sometimes stuff was like other stuff.”

Fox didn’t air his press conference. I get it — Fox doesn’t like the president. But why not cover the conference . . . he might get tripped up from reporters asking tough questions like, “Is the dog house-trained yet?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The president held a press conference last night. All the major networks carried it except Fox. They ran the show “Lie to Me.”

Today marks Obama’s first 100 days in office. It’s a big deal, because 100 days is when his warranty runs out.

We can’t return him now.

He warned us about the flu pandemic during the conference. Has a president ever called a press conference to remind us to wash our hands?

2009-04-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Remember the good ol’ days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget?

To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U.S. government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard.

Some government idiot thought it would be a great idea to buzz New York in a 747 to get pictures for a brochure showing Air Force One. But they didn’t tell anyone. A lot of people were panicked and evacuated. What’s the government’s next big idea? Send some guy in a pirate costume to Capt. Richard Phillips’ house?

Actress Mia Farrow has announced she’s going on a hunger strike to show solidarity with the people of Darfur. Why is it always skinny people who go on hunger strikes? Why can’t we get Michael Moore to go on a hunger strike?

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten White House Excuses

10. Do you want an excuse for scaring thousands of people or for wasting tax dollars on a brochure

9. Air Force One also acts as 1010 WINS' "Traffic Eye In The Sky"

8. Huh?

7. Biden had to get to New York for the "Wolverine" premiere

6. If we don't photograph the president's plane over the Statue of Liberty, who will know what the president's plane looks like over the Statue of Liberty?

5. It's Bush's fault

4. You've been Howie'd!

3. Maybe the Statue of Liberty was too close to us

2. C'mon, let's just be cool about it . . . everybody stay cool . . . we're cool, right?

1. Swine flu made us crazy

David Letterman

They’re saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with Mexico.

Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. Meanwhile, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac.

President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner.

Craig Ferguson

Arlen Specter has switched sides — he left the Republican Party and went over to the Democrats. Who’s he think he is, Lindsay Lohan?

He announced that he’s now a Democrat. Republicans were like, “Right — you’ve been a Democrat for 15 years.”

Scientists have cloned dogs . . . dogs that glow in the dark. Why? They’ve made it easier for Michael Vick to find them now.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they’re wearing.

To help avoid the spread of swine flu, the U.S. government is asking Mexicans not to come to the United States. Isn’t that what they’ve been doing for the past 40 years?

They’ve traced the swine flu’s origin to one little piggy who went to the market when he should have stayed home.

2009-04-28T01:24:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

It’s swine flu now. It’s so big, it’s knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. It’s obvious who’s spreading the swine flu . . . Dick Cheney.

They’re calling it swine flu because it’s either originated from pigs or AIG executives.

A plane flew into restricted airspace on Friday. As a precaution, Obama was taken to a secure location . . . a place no one knew existed — Joe Biden’s office.

The economy is bad. It’s so bad, third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Matthew Stafford's Mind On Draft Day

10. You don't often hear, "Congratulations, you're going to Detroit"

9. Why am I the only one who came to Radio City Music Hall dressed as a Rockette?

8. If the Lions win one game this year, I'm a hero

7. Anybody dumps Gatorade on me and I'll deck 'em

6. Holy crap, I think I just pulled a hamstring

5. I didn't think anything could top the excitement of Heidi and Spencer getting married

4. Is it me or does NFL Commissioner Goodell look like a young Larry Hagman?

3. Why am I here when I could be at that movie where Beyonce and that babe fight?

2. Why does Jessica Simpson keep calling me?

1. I'd gladly go No. 2 if it means not having to appear on Letterman

David Letterman

What a day . . . 86 and sultry — like Barbara Walters.

GM is phasing out Pontiac. I guess that means another $20 million bonus for the head of GM.

Obama’s approaching his first 100 days in office. He’s had to deal with a financial crisis; pirates; swine flu; all that plus he’s got a live-in mother-in-law.

Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage.

Craig Ferguson

Kim Kardashian shocked her fans today with a blonde wig. Then she admitted that her butt is actually an old Buick.

In a new interview, Iranian President Ahmadinejad complained Obama’s not returning his messages. Hello — maybe he’s just not that into you.

Swine flu anyone? I’m terrified. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has asked the government for federal aid to fight the swine flu. Isn’t this the guy who just last week was threatening to secede from the United States? Well . . . OK, but only because we like your hat.

Jimmy Fallon

The movie “Knowing” won the weekend box office with $24.8 million. Or as it’s called at AIG, a junior executive bonus.

This is all over the news: Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.

The Catholic Church is planning on boycotting the upcoming “Da Vinci Code” sequel “Angels & Demons.” They plan to air their own movie that they say more accurately depicts Jesus — “He’s Just Not That Into Jews.”

2009-04-25T01:28:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

David Letterman

Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout.

Today is the 81st birthday of Madam Tussauds wax museum. Biggest collection of wax figures since “The View.”

In economic news, ExxonMobil’s profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs.

Craig Ferguson

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have announced their going to have a debate. They already have a name for it — “Alienated vs. Predator.”

The “Soloist” opens today. I don’t know what it’s about, but they stole that title from my sex tape.

It’s World Penguin Day. Penguins are important. It’s true. Some say John McCain lost the election due to his resemblance to The Penguin from Batman.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Today is Arbor Day. Does anyone care? I guess not, now that we have Earth Day. We’ve dumped the old wrinkly holiday in favor of a hot new young one.

We should be ashamed. The next time you order a pizza, ask for it without the box.

Yesterday was “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” It used to be “Take Your Daughter to Work Day,” but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there’s a new special day for parents and kids — “Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day.”

This day shows that daddy and mommy didn’t always just sit around in their underwear.

Jimmy Fallon

The White House was on lockdown because a small plane flew into restricted airspace. Say what you want, but Dick Cheney would have shot that thing down.

Obama was on the news today speaking about college spending . He’s proposing a new budget — $15 billion for college loans, $20 billion for Ramen Noodles.

It’s Arbor Day. Trees everywhere will use the day as an excuse to dress like sluts.

2009-04-24T01:31:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

David Letterman

According to a new poll, 2 out of 3 New Yorkers would like to have Eliot Spitzer again as their governor. Well sure — 2 out of 3 New Yorkers are hookers.

The guy got stuff done. He had a reputation for being on top of everything.

Bernie Madoff’s wife, Ruth, is saying she has her own money. She says she has $62 million in savings. She says it’s not swindle money; it’s not fraud money; it’s money she made from yard sales.

It’s money she says she saved by switching to GEICO.

Craig Ferguson

“Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” is returning to prime time. Due to the recession, it’s been renamed “Who Wants Five Bucks and a Taco.”

Michael Jackson’s limo has been in an accident. There was no damage to the limo; however, Michael Jackson’s face suffered $1 million in improvements.

William Shakespeare’s birthday today. He’s 445 years old. Almost as old as Larry King.

Jimmy Fallon

I was watching Larry King interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby. He asked, “Exactly where did sex occur in the Palin’s house?” And then, it was incredible . . . my TV threw up.

I heard that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "The Hills" will be getting married this weekend. And if you'd like to send a gift, they're registered at Bed, Bath, and Beyond Shameless.

Police in North Carolina are looking for a pregnant woman who attempted to rob a bank at gunpoint. FBI sketch artists have just released a sonogram. Be careful everyone she is armed and lactating.

2009-04-23T01:34:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Happy Earth Day . . . or as the oil companies call it — Wednesday.

To celebrate Earth Day, a group of school children in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden’s head.

Even Dick Cheney got into Earth Day. He said he only uses recycled water when waterboarding prisoners.

All over the world people were doing their part. Somali pirates were only attacking sailboats.

Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Earth Day. I’m happy to say that all of our rats here at the Ed Sullivan Theatre are free-range.

They’ve released classified documents that show Dick Cheney ordered waterboarding. President Obama said that instead of waterboarding suspects, he’s going to put them in dunk tanks.

Eliot Spitzer, the guy who had a thing for prostitutes, is talking about running for governor again in 2010. He said he’s looking forward to spending less time with his family.

Even Eliot Spitzer is excited about Earth Day — he was on the side of the highway picking up trash today.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A doctor in England claims he has impregnated four women with human clones. I think we should go back to the old-fashioned way of having babies — eight at a time.

This is the 39th Earth Day. Enjoy it now because once you get into your 40s, it’s all downhill.

Today is also Administrative Professionals Day. It used to be called Secretaries Day, but now it’s all PC. It’s like Thanksgiving used to be called “Just Cook My Dinner,” now it’s called Thanksgiving.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa to visit a wind-power plant.

There was a large crowd on hand to greet him, partly to show support, partly to show kids what a black person looks like. It’s a very white state.

A company that makes baseball uniforms issued an apology for making the Washington Nationals uniforms without the “o.” They actually wore them to the game. Oprah’s going to be furious, by the way.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Earth Day. I remember as a kid on Earth Day we would run downstairs in our footed pajamas to see what Al Gore brought us.

We’re doing our part: Half of our staff is planting trees, the other half is smoking them.

General Motors is joining in. GM is helping out the environment by doing everything they can to not sell cars.

2009-04-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

Homeland Security Warns of Growing Domestic Terror Threat

A Homeland Security analysis being distributed to law enforcement agencies warns of a new era of domestic terrorism spawned by the election of the nation’s first black president, unemployment, rising poverty, a backlash against illegal immigration, and the return of disgruntled veterans from the nation’s war fronts.

The highly charged document, first reported by talk-radio host and World Net Daily columnist Roger Hedgecock, is entitled “Right-wing Extremism: Current Economic and Political Climate Fueling Resurgence in Radicalization and Recruitment.”

“This is huge,” Brett Winterble, the Roger Hedgecock Show executive producer told Newsmax, as he described Hedgecock’s continuing coverage of the report and all it portends.

A Department of Homeland Security spokeswoman confirmed to both Fox News and The Washington Times that the report is real, and said it is part of a series of analyses of domestic terrorism. An analysis includes left-wing groups, but the department could offer no evidence of a report looking at the violent political left in America.

Perhaps one of the most disconcerting disclosures in the report is its disturbing analysis of the recent historic presidential election.

“Rightwing extremists are harnessing this historical election as a recruitment tool. Many rightwing extremists are antagonistic toward the new presidential administration and its perceived stance on a range of issues, including immigration and citizenship, the expansion of social programs to minorities, and restrictions on firearms,” the report states.

Although the antagonism toward President Barack Obama’s administration reportedly is mobilizing existing supporters, and broadening the extremists’ scope and appeal through propaganda, they have not yet turned to attack planning, the DHS report authors note on a rare upbeat note.

Most right-wing extremists’ statements have been rhetorical, expressing concerns about the election of the first black president — but stopping short of calls for violent action, the DHS report says.

However, in two instances in the run-up to the election, “extremists appeared to be in the early planning stages of some threatening activity targeting the Democratic nominee, but law enforcement interceded.”

If there is a pervasive theme to the report, it is the economic crisis, which the student analyzes in depth and compares with other landmark moments in history.

The economic and political climate has some similarities to the 1990s, when right-wing extremism experienced a resurgence fueled largely by an economic recession, criticism about the outsourcing of jobs, and the perceived threat to U.S. power and sovereignty by other foreign powers, the authors note.

“During the 1990s, these issues contributed to the growth in the number of domestic rightwing terrorist and extremist groups and an increase in violent acts targeting government facilities, law enforcement officers, banks, and infrastructure sectors.

“Growth of these groups subsided in reaction to increased government scrutiny as a result of the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing and disrupted plots, improvements in the economy, and the continued U.S. standing as the preeminent world power,” conclude the DHS experts.

Disgruntled Vets

The report mentions a simmering powder keg in noting a perceived role of U.S. troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan in domestic upheaval.

“The possible passage of new restrictions on firearms and the return of military veterans facing significant challenges reintegrating into their communities could lead to the potential emergence of terrorist groups or lone wolf extremists capable of carrying out violent attacks,” the report concludes.

The report further assesses that right-wing extremists will attempt to recruit and radicalize returning veterans to exploit their skills and knowledge derived from military training and combat:

“These skills and knowledge have the potential to boost the capabilities of extremists — including lone wolves or small terrorist cells — to carry out violence.

“The willingness of a small percentage of military personnel to join extremist groups during the 1990s because they were disgruntled, disillusioned, or suffering from the psychological effects of war is being replicated today,” the experts warn.

After Operation Desert Shield/Storm in 1990-1991, some returning military veterans, including Timothy McVeigh, joined or associated with right-wing extremist groups.

A prominent civil rights organization reported in 2006 that “large numbers of potentially violent neo-Nazis, skinheads, and other white supremacists are now learning the art of warfare in the [U.S.] armed forces.”

What’s more, the FBI noted in a 2008 report on the white supremacist movement that some returning military veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have joined extremist groups.

Illegal Immigration as a Flashpoint

During the past five years, various right-wing extremists, including militias and white supremacists, have adopted the immigration issue as a call to action, rallying point, and recruiting tool, the DHS report says.

“Debates over appropriate immigration levels and enforcement policy generally fall within the realm of protected political speech under the First Amendment, but in some cases, anti-immigration or strident pro-enforcement fervor has been directed against specific groups and has the potential to turn violent,” the report says.

The DHS assessment is that right-wing extremist groups’ frustration over a perceived lack of government action on illegal immigration has the potential to incite individuals or small groups toward violence. If that occurred, it probably would be isolated, small-scale, and directed at specific immigration-related targets.

Furthermore, prominent civil rights organizations have observed an increase in anti-Hispanic crimes during the past five years, the report says.

In April 2007, six militia members were arrested for various weapons and explosives violations. Open source reporting alleged that those arrested had discussed and conducted surveillance for a machine gun attack on Hispanics.

A militia member in Wyoming was arrested in February 2007 after communicating his plans to travel to the Mexican border to kill immigrants crossing into the United States.

Blaming Jews for the Economic Downturn

The right-wing extremist chatter on the Internet continues to focus on the economy, the perceived loss of U.S. jobs in the manufacturing and construction sectors, and home foreclosures, the report says.

Significantly, anti-Semitic extremists attribute these losses to a deliberate conspiracy conducted by a cabal of Jewish “financial elites.” These “accusatory” tactics are employed to draw new recruits into right-wing extremist groups and further radicalize those already subscribing to extremist beliefs, the authors conclude.

The DHS experts warn that this trend is likely to accelerate if the economy is perceived to worsen.

Poverty and Radicalization

While scholars and experts disagree over poverty’s role in motivating violent radicalization or terrorist activity, high unemployment has the potential to lead to alienation — thus increasing an individual’s susceptibility to extremist ideas, say the authors.

There appears to be a strong association between a parent’s unemployment status and the formation of right-wing extremist beliefs in their children — specifically xenophobia and anti-democratic ideals, according to a 2007 study from the German Institute for Economic Research, the report says.

“Rightwing extremists are increasingly galvanized by these concerns and leverage them as drivers for recruitment. From the 2008 election timeframe to the present, rightwing extremists have capitalized on related racial and political prejudices in expanded propaganda campaigns — thereby reaching out to a wider audience of potential sympathizers,” the authors write.

Visions of the ‘End Times’ and Conspiracy Theory

Historically, domestic extremists on the right have feared, predicted, and anticipated a cataclysmic economic collapse in the United States. Prominent antigovernment conspiracy theorists have incorporated aspects of an impending economic collapse to intensify fear and paranoia among like-minded individuals and to attract recruits during economic uncertainty, write the report authors.

“Conspiracy theories involving declarations of martial law, impending civil strife or racial conflict, suspension of the U.S. Constitution, and the creation of citizen detention camps often incorporate aspects of a failed economy.

“Antigovernment conspiracy theories and ‘end times’ prophecies could motivate extremist individuals and groups to stockpile food, ammunition, and weapons.

“These teachings also have been linked with the radicalization of domestic extremist individuals and groups in the past, such as violent Christian Identity organizations and extremist members of the militia movement,” the report says.

Lone Wolves and Small Terrorist Cells

Lone wolves and small terrorist cells embracing violent right-wing extremist ideology are the most dangerous domestic terrorism threat in the United States, the report concludes.

Indeed, information from law enforcement and nongovernmental organizations indicates that lone wolves and small terrorist cells have shown intent — and, in some cases, the capability — to commit violent acts.

DHS has zeroed in on white supremacist lone wolves posing “the most significant domestic terrorist threat because of their low profile and autonomy — separate from any formalized group — which hampers warning efforts.”

Recent state and municipal law enforcement reporting has warned of the dangers of right-wing extremists’ embracing the tactics of “leaderless resistance” and of lone wolves carrying out acts of violence.

Arrests in the past several years of radical militia members in Alabama, Arkansas, and Pennsylvania on firearms, explosives, and other related violations indicates the emergence of small, well-armed extremist groups in some rural areas.

Right-wing extremist views bemoan the decline of U.S. stature and recently have focused on themes such as the loss of U.S. manufacturing capability to China and India, Russia’s control of energy resources and use of these to pressure other countries, and China’s investment in U.S. real estate and corporations as a part of subversion strategy.

Legislative and Judicial Drivers

Many right-wing extremist groups perceive recent gun control legislation as a threat to their right to bear arms and in response have increased weapons and ammunition stockpiling, as well as renewed participation in paramilitary training exercises, according to the report

“Such activity, combined with a heightened level of extremist paranoia, has the potential to facilitate criminal activity and violence,” the report says.

Legislation has been proposed this year requiring mandatory registration of all firearms in the United States. Similar legislation was introduced in 2008 in several states proposing mandatory tagging and registration of ammunition.

“It is unclear if either bill will be passed into law; nonetheless, a correlation may exist between the potential passage of gun control legislation and increased hoarding of ammunition, weapons stockpiling, and paramilitary training activities among rightwing extremists,” conclude the report authors.

Proposed imposition of firearms restrictions and weapons bans probably would attract new members into the ranks of right-wing extremist groups, as well as potentially spur some of them to begin planning and training for violence against the government.

The high volume of purchases and stockpiling of weapons and ammunition by right-wing extremists in anticipation of restrictions and bans in some parts of the country continue to be a primary concern to law enforcement.

Perceived Threat from Rise of Other Countries

Right-wing extremist paranoia of foreign regimes could escalate or be magnified in the event of an economic crisis or military confrontation, harkening back to the conspiracy theories of the 1990s, the report says.

The dissolution of Communist countries in Eastern Europe and the end of the Soviet Union in the 1990s led some right-wing extremists to believe that a “New World Order” would bring about a world government that would usurp the sovereignty of the United States and its Constitution, thus infringing upon their liberty.

“The dynamics in 2009 are somewhat similar, as other countries, including China, India, and Russia, as well as some smaller, oil-producing states, are experiencing a rise in economic power and influence.

“Fear of Communist regimes and related conspiracy theories characterizing the U.S. Government’s role as either complicit in a foreign invasion or acquiescing as part of a ‘One World Government’ plan inspired extremist members of the militia movement to target government and military facilities in past years,” the report says.

The Bottom Line

Threats from white supremacist and violent antigovernment groups during 2009 have been largely rhetorical and have not indicated plans to carry out violent acts, the authors conclude.

Nevertheless, the consequences of a prolonged economic downturn — including real estate foreclosures, unemployment, and an inability to obtain credit — could create a fertile recruiting environment for rightwing extremists and even result in confrontations between such groups and government authorities similar to those in the past.